Whether you clench one in your hand all night while you sleep or one sits faithfully atop your covers at the foot of your bed, we understand needing someone comforting to watch over you all night. Made of fabric, stuffing, thread, and more, these friends were made to get us through our nights as much as any YouTube playlist about faery music ever was.
We have many stuffos here at Sneer Campaign, as you’ve likely seen in our posts, especially of Teddy and most recently Daryl. They keep us happy, guard our beds, hang out with us and the cats, and remain our loyal friends. Roll call!
We have a lot of fears. Some make sense; others, not so much. This latter type will be featured once monthly until we run out of material, at which point, we might begin accepting the fears of our readers.
I am sure that this is an irrational fear that everyone gets who has difficulty sleeping for a few days. But once you read up on this specific disease, you will REALLY get this fear, even though it is definitely very irrational. Very few people will ever get this brain disease, Fatal Familial Insomnia, and very few people have ever even had it. However, all of this is thrown out the window as soon as Wikipedia uses the words “can also develop spontaneously in patients with a non-inherited mutation variant.” What? Oh no!
Sporadic Fatal Insomnia is something none of us will probably ever have, but if we find ourselves struggling with insomnia, remember that it would set in as we near middle age. Have you been so tired that you get anxiety attacks and hallucinations? I sure have, and those are two things that happen in the early stages of this deadly, horrible disease. However, I thankfully usually konk out after a while, instead of trudging on in this manner, going slowly insane until the big sleep anywhere between seven to eighteen months later, when an exhausted ghost version of myself would escape this tired husk of mine and then find that there is actually no resting in peace after all. Noooo.
When my logical mind steps in to again remind me that I probably haven’t developed this, my paranoid insomnia mind counters with another irrational fear, which is that I have developed a brand new sleepless brain disease that will be named after me after I have died of it and have been studied by science.
Sleeping is a magical world of dreams and rest, but it sure does take up a lot of time! Ideally, you should be getting seven to nine hours of sleep per night, but some you true go-getters out there might writhe in discomfort to imagine spending so much time in bed instead of working or learning or whatever productive things you like to do. “I can sleep when I’m DEAD,” you dramatically scream in between swigs of coffee and other stimulants, as you read more, work harder, exercise more healthfully, etc.
Well, you can’t exactly work while in bed, unless you’re awake at the same time, obviously. You know what I mean. But you can learn while you sleep! Allegedly. And heal in ways that maybe you never anticipated, also allegedly. God knows I have been lured in by the glamour of multi-tasking sleep and bettering myself beyond the beauty rest I crave. Has it worked? Who knows! But here are some of the YouTube Sleepytime University courses I have taken over the years, on nights when I am not sleep watching cartoons or sleep listening to soothing ambient sounds.
People seem to love taking naps, my sister swears by them. But for me it’s generally unplanned and will ruin much of the rest of my day, timing-wise. We call these “napcidents.” Yes they happen with enough frequency that they have a name. If I’m napping, something is already wrong or about to be.
Some people might say that part of the reason for these unplanned sleeps is that I do most of my living from on top of my bed. Reading books, chatting to friends online, reading articles online, chatting to customers for work — almost every time, I am sitting on the same surface that I use for bedtime sleeping. Also, usually, my TV computer is playing the same shows that I sleep to. I don’t hold much hope that I will find a better way to live than “from bed” but I suppose anything could be possible.
Have you ever woken up from sleeping and found that you have fresh memories of just doing something, somewhere that is not in your pajamas in bed? Have you felt insane because of these “false memories”? Well don’t feel insane, because what you have experienced is a very common thing called “dreaming.” Everyone does it! Even dogs and cats.
Dreams use a part of your brain called the Imagination Zone. When this zone is activated, imagination glands crank out a slime that gives you creative thoughts. Sometimes, it is used when you are awake, in order to imagine solutions, or to predict possible consequences. The Imagination Zone is the bustling factory that allows you, after enough practice, to imagine absurd scenarios that are very impossible, but generally fun.
When you sleep, it is not really a little death. Your body still lives without you wakefully monitoring it, and this includes the zone mentioned in the last paragraph. While you sleep, it still produces thoughts and visions. Although without your conscious mind cautioning it for being too zany, it will go off the rails and sometimes even throw house parties even though it is a factory setting. But a factory location can be the best place to host a party, didn’t you know?
Bodies: We all have them. But what do we KNOW about them? Science suggests that maybe we should know more, whereas religion demands that we know far less. We always side with science here on the sneer campaign, unless it challenges our strict moral codes (haha we don’t have moral codes. C’mon). So clasp our hand parts as we drag you down the twisted, prickly path of learnin’ and we will explain to you the things that school should have covered a long, long time ago. Or, perhaps more accurately, I will expose my horrific ignorance as I tell you about things I never thought about before that it turns out everyone has indeed known since middle school.
We’ve just had Sex Christmas. A day of romantic love, the only acceptable kind of love for men, as long as it heterosexual. But I’m not here to talk about the isolating effect toxic masculinity has on men and how it drives up their suicide rates. You see, love is like wrestling. Professional wrestling. You may have done well on the 14th, put on the Sequined Jumpsuit of Courage and stepped into the Squared Circle of Sincere Expressions of Feelings, but you never know when life will tag itself in while the referee is changing his contacts and throw you into the Ropes of Insecurity, knocking you down with the Clothesline of Repressed Frustration and finishing you off with the DDT of Angry Outbursts, all while the Screaming Audience of Regret mugs for the Camera of Public Opinion. Then the Arch Rival of Lust enters with the Pyrotechnics of Hubris and okay enough of this metaphor.
But there’s still Valentine’s candy. And now it’s marked way down! But what to buy? None of it will make them love you. But my experience tells me that eating your feelings is a surefire way to kill the pain, and there’s always great candy around this time of year.
Back when I used to run my old site, one of the strangest results was that I would be personally contacted with requests to review someone’s product. It was shilling for people in exchange for a sample of whatever they were wishing to sell. Back in 2005 or so, one of the most memorable products I was asked to talk up was from Frivolous Entertainment (which I am somewhat surprised to see still exists) to review their DVD party game entitled “Intense Games DVD.”
It was one of those games that you might see in your local adult gift store in which you would find various juvenile challenges to play with your drunken college friends some night. Things like “do a blowjob on a cucumber” or “take a dump on the hood of someone’s car,” etc — wholesome games that any frat boy or sorority girl would enjoy playing after downing dangerous amounts of liquor. This game however, took things much, much further than what you may be used to seeing in your typical party game. And yes, I know it seems pointless to update a review of something that is over a decade old and I probably own the only remaining copy of. Welcome to my life.
We all think drugs is pretty cool in society these days. From rappers to white people on the internet, it seems like everyone has something to say about the cool new drugs and how to take them. But I’m here to tell you drugs ISN’T cool. And here’s why!
Welcome back to our monthly comic series, Doofus and Darling. If you had Highlights for Children magazine when you were young, you’ve seen Goofus and Gallant. If not, it probably doesn’t matter anyway.