Back when I used to run my old site, one of the strangest results was that I would be personally contacted with requests to review someone’s product. It was shilling for people in exchange for a sample of whatever they were wishing to sell. Back in 2005 or so, one of the most memorable products I was asked to talk up was from Frivolous Entertainment (which I am somewhat surprised to see still exists) to review their DVD party game entitled “Intense Games DVD.”
It was one of those games that you might see in your local adult gift store in which you would find various juvenile challenges to play with your drunken college friends some night. Things like “do a blowjob on a cucumber” or “take a dump on the hood of someone’s car,” etc — wholesome games that any frat boy or sorority girl would enjoy playing after downing dangerous amounts of liquor. This game however, took things much, much further than what you may be used to seeing in your typical party game. And yes, I know it seems pointless to update a review of something that is over a decade old and I probably own the only remaining copy of. Welcome to my life.
First and foremost, Intense Games was pretty much made for swingers, or people who have absolutely no qualms with letting their significant other have sex with their other swinger friends. Now, I myself am not a swinger. I don’t think I even qualify for that lifestyle as I can be a goddamn jealous bastard. So I am not the audience this game needed because I don’t really want someone to bork my girlfriend for 20 points in a party game. This game was simply not for me. That didn’t stop me from reviewing it though, as I felt that since I was asked to do this, and agreed, then I should at least put my best foot forward. It’s just that I had to be a little imaginative with the people I had to make up in my head to play this game with me and it still didn’t go well.
Getting to Know the Swinger Lifestyle
According to Wikipedia, the official definition of swinging is as follows:
Swinging, sometimes called wife swapping, husband swapping or partner swapping, is a non-monogamous behavior in which both singles and partners in a committed relationship engage in sexual activities with others as a recreational or social activity.
While I was reviewing this game back in my innocent days, I actually did a ton of research in asking educated people questions that could further enlighten me on the swinger lifestyle. Such as, but not limited to:
- Is this for real?
- Holy shit
I had known of swingers before, and I admit that for the longest time I confused them with people who liked ska music. You know, like a bunch of people dressed in ’50s clothes doing sock hops and shit, which Amandoll just confusedly asked if I mean “rockabillists” whatever that is, I don’t know. That was my idea of the swinger crowd. Before I ever mistakenly participated in swinger activities, I found out what that whole deal was about, and I was pretty thankful I didn’t make the terrible mistake of showing up at a swinger party with my finest zoot suit and a head covered in toxic amounts of hair gel. That would have probably been awkward for me.
Swingers are very real though, and the swinger subculture is mostly a European thing I guess, but seems to also have an underground following here in the US as well. God actually, I haven’t really looked into it since I wrote this review a million years ago and maybe swingers are the mainstream now. I certainly know a lot of them now, now that I think about it. Regardless, when I said it’s “mostly a European thing,” I was only going by the far greater amount of European swinger porn sites that I came across while “researching” as opposed to American swinger sites. At no point during this research was I not being assaulted with swinger sites telling me “after schlagend swinger” and “slut svelger åtte penis” which I really hoped meant the exact opposite of what I think those mean. From my findings, Europe seems to be at the forefront of multiple sex partner lifestyle once again.
However, we feisty Americans seem to be the first ever to actually make a DVD game specifically for swinger couples to participate in, so I vowed to take a little national pride out of this endeavor if nothing else.
The game itself started off with several notices about how to reduce the chances that you may contract an STD while playing the game, which is always a good sign that you’re about to do something totally safe and fun for the whole family. This included using condoms of course, and also using some sort of plastic paper as a barrier when vag-to-mouth contact rears its ugly head. Personally, the idea of having to lick some stranger’s vag with a thin layer of plastiwrap coating that thang would only result in a not-so-thin layer of vomit soon after, but that’s just me being A DAMN PRUDE. (I guess you’re supposed to be doing this with people you know, but I only just met the imaginary lovers I was going to have to play this with, and I couldn’t get that discomfort out of my head. I’m sure I was more uncomfortable than you are reading it now, believe me.) You should also probably wash and use condoms on those sex toys as well, because you can never be too sure where those have ended up before. Once you were successfully secured in your biohazard suit, it was time to decide if you want to turn on your bisexual switch or not. Oh if it were only this simple in real life.
The bisexual switch was an extra option for those swinger couples who think traditional sex with multiple partners is simply too blasé for their tastes, and need the extra facet of bisexuality thrown into this hopefully not-diseased stew of things. What this switch does is simply add in extra sets of questions that involve bisexual challenges and the fun that comes along with all that. Personally I’d be all for it as long as some decent gals were down for it, and no other men. In my case of testing the product, I’d probably end up having to kiss the imaginary guy that just got finished with the vag plastiwrap I can’t get past, so I left my bisexual switch off for the time being.
I figured I was at the point where I could handle these types of challenges and not blink away any more of my dignity while doing so, so by God it was time to play this mamma-jamma.
Playing the Game
Now, let’s get onto actually playing the game. As I’ve said before, I had no one willing play this game with me. I asked several people, including a highly volatile Amandoll who I contacted via an instant messenger:
Me: Amanda would you want to play this sex game with me?
Amandoll: I just drew back my hand to slap you
I asked a few other people, and after being threatened with a restraining order it was obvious that I was really going to be playing Intense games by myself this time.
The game itself was set up into four categories of cards. Each section of cards represented varying “sauciness” in the challenges themselves. They also represented higher point values, so the lowest set of cards would only yield a paltry amount of points for your pathetic attempt at being a swinger. These cards were basically nothing more than a set of Truth or Dare questions you probably played back in High School, or if we’re going by present day sexual standards, second grade. Things like “demonstrate your favorite sexual position” and so on. Nothing too amazing, and that was reflected when you got a shoddy one point handed your way, along with the stares of shame from your swinger friends looking down in disgust at you. A shame doesn’t go away even with the coldest of showers.
Higher point values were applied to the rest of the card sets, but required a certain amount of points before you could even access them in the game, so you had to work for your horrible, horrible sex game fun — fun which you would get in spades with the higher card sets. Some fun which didn’t even seem possible to me in the realm of reality that we live in. Like I expected any moment to see a card telling me to bungee jump into the room and circumcise a male partner using only my teeth while massaging everyone’s boobs with my feet. And to be honest, I really can’t tell you that challenge is NOT in one of those card sets. My general feeling of “laugh nervously” was the prevailing emotion, even there in a room by myself with only my invisible imaginary sex partners, while looking through these cards. But who am I to stand in the way of human sexual progress?
The game would go on until one group gained enough points and life-scarring sexual encounters to win the game, at which point the game rewards you with, yes, more sex. These would be the “end game” activities, which I have only heard of in legend since I never made it far enough to win. I have no idea what the challenges might be, but the site for the game promised them to be “under covers” so I can only imagine that to mean “under covers on top of your house while rimming your dad as the rest of your friends feed you semen.” It may be something less than that, but I somehow managed to turn off this game before finding out and then never, ever investigating it ever again.
Getting to the end of the game was no easy chore, as depending on how many people are playing, an entire game could take a decent amount of time. So if you’re serious about playing, you should probably get ready for a marathon of these challenges going on into the night. I think I speak for many a man when I say that I doubt I would be able to make it past two rounds of these games without either passing out from pure exhaustion, or having to go into hiding for several months from participating in the previous challenge.
USA USA USA
Think You’re Not Cut Out to be A Swinger? Q & A Time
So you can see what you’re in store for with at least a few rounds of Intense Games. Maybe you’re thinking that perhaps, just maybe, this game isn’t quite up your alley. You just don’t think you can handle what’s involved with a swinger lifestyle. That’s okay, you’re not alone. But just in case, we’ve provided some of the questions and answers, so that we could possibly help in identifying what problems you may have while playing the game:
Q: This is insane, how could I do something like this and not live in regret for the rest of my life?
A: It’s obvious you do not share the same attitude that swingers have. The swinger attitude is that sex is a pleasure that should be enjoyed and shared with EVERYONE. It is a sort of spiritually releasing thing, and such feelings as jealousy and loss of dignity are looked down upon and are not even considered by swingers. In short, you are a failure.
Q: But can’t this lifestyle be called a sort of modern day poor man’s version of the ancient Druids or other such cultures?
A: Possibly, but you are missing the main point of the swinger culture, which, if I have done my research properly, seems to be the ability to gain 15 points for successfully locating your best friend’s wife’s vulva while blindfolded and covered in whipped cream.
Q: Well shit. 15 points AND whipped cream? Man, I was totally wrong about swingers! Sign me up!
A: Congratulations. Welcome to your new life. Here is some plastiwrap.
Coping With What You’ve Just Done
So you’ve gotten a hold of an elusive copy of this DVD sex game and played it on a whim. You’re probably covered in enough sexual filth to be treated as a biochemical hazard, and several of the challenges possibly just destroyed any future chance of living a completely normal life without having occasional screaming fits from flashbacks of the horrible deeds you just did. The sight of plastiwrap in the future will cause uncontrollable weeping in an empty bathtub for hours (at least that was the case for me and I only just flipped through the DVD). If this is the case, then congratulations, you have just experienced the pinnacle of swinger entertainment, and don’t forget that Intense Games was the device that emancipated you from your inhibitions.
But for the real swingers out there, Intense Games supplied a game that will most likely propel you into the heights of multiple-partner sex in ways you could have probably only done before with copious amounts of illegal substances. With Intense Games though, there’s no need to blame your horrific sexual adventures on mind-altering drugs anymore, since this DVD took care of any and all reasoning behind even the most absurd of sexual innuendo with multiple partners.
Intense Games had also gone one better by being a very well made DVD game that obviously had some thought put into it when it could have easily just been a terrible monstrosity of a disc. The production values were well done, and every challenge was read by a girl that had a nice enough voice. In all, if you were passing by someone playing this game and didn’t notice everyone having sex with each other, you’d think it looked like a pleasant game you may even want to play with your family, just going by production values alone. Though if you ever did want to play it with your family, I would hope your brain had melted into a stew of toxic chemicals before you did so.
Even though they don’t seem to sell this particular glorious disc anymore, their modern day website seems to sell plenty of other games and items. And even though at the time this review was originally published, the owners of the company took offense to my general tone and reluctance to join in their alternative lifestyle and came to our old OMGJ Forum to berate everyone there and call us frigid prudes who hated human sexuality, I hold no grudge. Go ahead and buy things from them if you’re into that. It’s your money.
In the end though, I’m left sitting here with a game that, while it may never produce the desired effect with me, is something I can easily throw into my ancient DVD player when unwanted friends come over. I would sum the entire experience up in a nutshell, but I think Intense Games sums itself up well enough in the end: