get em tiger

Sleeping is a magical world of dreams and rest, but it sure does take up a lot of time! Ideally, you should be getting seven to nine hours of sleep per night, but some you true go-getters out there might writhe in discomfort to imagine spending so much time in bed instead of working or learning or whatever productive things you like to do. “I can sleep when I’m DEAD,” you dramatically scream in between swigs of coffee and other stimulants, as you read more, work harder, exercise more healthfully, etc.

Well, you can’t exactly work while in bed, unless you’re awake at the same time, obviously. You know what I mean. But you can learn while you sleep! Allegedly. And heal in ways that maybe you never anticipated, also allegedly. God knows I have been lured in by the glamour of multi-tasking sleep and bettering myself beyond the beauty rest I crave. Has it worked? Who knows! But here are some of the YouTube Sleepytime University courses I have taken over the years, on nights when I am not sleep watching cartoons or sleep listening to soothing ambient sounds.

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Have you ever woken up from sleeping and found that you have fresh memories of just doing something, somewhere that is not in your pajamas in bed? Have you felt insane because of these “false memories”? Well don’t feel insane, because what you have experienced is a very common thing called “dreaming.” Everyone does it! Even dogs and cats.

Dreams use a part of your brain called the Imagination Zone. When this zone is activated, imagination glands crank out a slime that gives you creative thoughts. Sometimes, it is used when you are awake, in order to imagine solutions, or to predict possible consequences. The Imagination Zone is the bustling factory that allows you, after enough practice, to imagine absurd scenarios that are very impossible, but generally fun.

ok yes

When you sleep, it is not really a little death. Your body still lives without you wakefully monitoring it, and this includes the zone mentioned in the last paragraph. While you sleep, it still produces thoughts and visions. Although without your conscious mind cautioning it for being too zany, it will go off the rails and sometimes even throw house parties even though it is a factory setting. But a factory location can be the best place to host a party, didn’t you know?

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Bodies: We all have them. But what do we KNOW about them? Science suggests that maybe we should know more, whereas religion demands that we know far less. We always side with science here on the sneer campaign, unless it challenges our strict moral codes (haha we don’t have moral codes. C’mon). So clasp our hand parts as we drag you down the twisted, prickly path of learnin’ and we will explain to you the things that school should have covered a long, long time ago. Or, perhaps more accurately, I will expose my horrific ignorance as I tell you about things I never thought about before that it turns out everyone has indeed known since middle school.

huh?

 

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lookit

We have a brand new cat at Sneer HQ — one that we don’t have to feed! Daryl Takahashi is a cat who has been made famous by Hiromu Takahashi, Japanese Wrestling Superstar. He was sent to our home by our friend Zach, who knows what we like and knows how to give good gifts.

So he has moved in and made himself at home like the feline of confidence that he is. Mostly, he lives upstairs on the second floor, but he gets around from time to time. It was inevitable that Daryl would have to face off against each cat already living here, for that is the nature of cats. One must reign supreme in order for there to be peace in the house.

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whooo

I am no stranger to erratic sleep patterns and poor sleep habits. Insomnia is my one true god, whether I want it to be or not. And it is a pesky god, sometimes giving me tastes of rest followed by days, weeks of only falling asleep because I am physically exhausted. It isn’t sleeping as much as losing consciousness, and then not even rejuvenating because I typically have wildly vivid dreams.

I’m a little better than I used to be — there’s your happy news. I more or less have a sleep routine, even though I still sometimes only get three hours or even none at all on rare occasions. But back when I had this moment that I shared with Kieron, and that I now share with you, it was a fairly standard sort of interaction between me and friends. Overthinking and nonthinking, accidental words, confusion and bafflement for all involved; it was a real thrillride. And you can see why I am such a popular conversationalist!

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Say what you will about astrology and the power of the stars and the accuracy of natal horoscopes. However I say, as of about an hour before making this post, that there must be something to it, and February 5th must be the Day of Weirdos I Wouldn’t Want to Bring Home to Mother. The universe gave birth to William S. Burroughs on this day in 1914 and he went on to become the world’s most beloved queer junkie weirdo whose droning voice blessed all kinds of things, and his addled words made poetry that became dear to people into that kind of thing. Meanwhile, in 1940, a baby by the name of HR Giger plopped out into the world and immediately began drawing demented things that became interwoven into certain pieces of pop culture, most importantly those Alien movies.

We have decided to celebrate these twin souls separated by a few decades, these angels who we assume didn’t know each other and never met, by creating a portrait of the wordy one in the style of the drawy one. Happy birthday, the two of you, we hope there really is an afterlife so that the two of you can sit down together and make friends and maybe make some other ghosts feel uncomfortable somehow.

Our cats are tricksters, escape artists, bold, too smart or too stupid. This is not to say that our cats are different than other cats. They are all pretty much the same. They are less like pets and more like shiftless roommates, forever late on the rent and refusing to clean up after themselves. We provide illustrated guides to them, once monthly.

i love olive

whatta stud

The man they call “Tom Parker” is an arteest of the highest caliber. His illustrations are intricate and contain many straight, precise lines which are very difficult to achieve, at least in my experience. This guy, let’s call him “Tomp” because I’m sure he would prefer that we did, specializes in dizzying amounts of detail. The illustrations are amazing, they are magically whimsical, and they are purty. In fact, you can go ahead and join his big fat fan page, for big fat fans regardless of their appearance and medical records. The page is brimming with supporters who gather in screaming throngs whenever he makes a post, and he does make posts. Plenty of them! He is an entertainer on the Facebook platform. Join the Tomp Party.

But I’m not actually shilling him in general. I am here to shove these links in your face. Links like this one right here: a link. Would you look at that?? One of his fancy drawins has been made into a high quality picture puzzle!

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have it

Allegedly, engaging in word games, brainteasers, and various types of puzzles is a healthy activity.We love health! We love activity! It keeps your mind sharp. It staves off senility. And, most importantly, it is a nifty little diversion from all of life’s many little stresses. Some people hate crosswords, be they standard or cryptic. Other people love them! Personally, I don’t really like word searches, but I sure made one for you to do!

In fact, I decided to be a big shot today and make a fun activities page for your pleasure and benefit, because I’m nice like that. Print these out, copy them into a drawing program and do them there, do them silently, all in only your mind — whatever suits your fancy. Just have some semblance of fun and I will feel satisfied.

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We have a lot of fears. Some make sense; others, not so much. This latter type will be featured once monthly until we run out of material, at which point, we might begin accepting the fears of our readers. 

leave ur beams outta this

Welcome to my irrational fear that makes me so uncomfortable that I have never allowed myself to think about it for very long. I wince when I consider it. Perhaps I should start with a little backstory.

When I was about seven years old, I had a series of night terrors where I would wake everyone in my family up at night because I was screaming horribly. The dream always started the same, with me being within one of five beams of light that appeared to be both moving and still, somewhat eternal or infinite I guess. But I’d be hurtling through space, then veer of towards Earth where I was suddenly me, as a child, in a weird dystopian service station somewhere. Eventually, the dream always ended when some space technology that had been harnessed and not fully understood would go haywire and there’d be repetition that was speeding up exponentially until I woke up FREAKING OUT.

I also hated (and still hate) night time windows being uncurtained because I don’t want things looking in. And also, I don’t like to look up at the night sky in case I see something I can’t explain. These things have bothered me for a really long time and there was one day in my teens that I wondered if I had been abducted, and I immediately stopped thinking about it. But by now, I worry about what if I am actually an alien and that’s why I don’t understand screaming or dancing. And why I see people in buffet lines and feel like I am observing livestock. Have I forgotten who I am and why I’m here? Have I gone totally insane, or am I just really close to it all the time? Halp.