The other day I went down to my basement for some hot Duck Hunt action. As usual, the NES just blinked and wouldn’t let me play, like it does every time since that beautiful day it created a small carpet fire from being on for two days straight. But I really didn’t want to make the trip upstairs again, so I looked for something nearby to occupy my attention for an hour or so. After a few moments of looking around, some boxes caught my eye. Hurrah! Nothing says “fun” like random old boxes! But as I came closer, I realized that these were no ordinary spider-infested cardboard boxes. No, to my shock, these were a bunch of old board games. I figured these would require special attention, so I found the nearest rickety chair and pulled out the bottom game from the dangerous, towering stack to see what awaited me.
When I regained consciousness, lying in a pile of little coloured houses and paper money, I found that I had stumbled on several of my very favourite board games that I owned when I was a child. I looked at them and wondered why I had ever stopped playing these cherished games of mine that I had grown so attached to before my parents gave in and bought me a Nintendo. The other kids may have mocked and ridiculed me, but the fun I had with these board games were more than enough to drown out their hurtful words. Well, most of them anyway. Looking them over, my brain filled with memories and I immediately starting playing every game I could find until I became tired and jaded — even MORE than I normally am!
As funny as death is, it also has a serious side. It isn’t ONLY fun and games; you owe it to yourself and others to plan for it and treat it as the solemn event that it deserves. I can think of nothing worse than to find out that you do leave a ghost, and that ghost is embarrassed by a lackluster death and shortly-after events. Eternal damnation has many faces.
Many questions arise when one is faced with the great beyond. Where will I be buried? Will my no-good wife and ingrate children have enough money to squander on shit? Will I die while masturbating? As an expert, I will provide you with a few responsible steps to consider when preparing for death.
First came the tentacle rape.
It was the beginning in a long line of horrors that OMGJeremy has subjected me to in his articles since the very beginning in 2002. (OMGJeremy.com was the site that most of us used to write for.) But you know what they say: what doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger. Well, I must be invincible by now. And not only have I seen a lot, but I’ve written about a lot too, articles that have been lost to time mostly, including a review of a site that teaches women how to rape their husbands. But in 2003, I found something that managed to combine all of those and more. It’s as if all my nightmares Go-Go-Power-Morphed into some unholy Megazord and returned to feed me my own ass.
“What is it?” you’re probably asking as you close the door and open a new browser window. Why It’s none other than Furcadia — an online game that let you take on the role of an animal and interact with others in a series of dream worlds. And not surprisingly in the least, it contains the three big staples of the internet diet: furries, cybersex, and MMORPGs.
My spooky review of the iconic murder movie, Clue, fell apart due to the distraction of Yvette the Maid. So instead I’ll do a worthwhile public service announcement and tell you how to avoid a chocolatey deathtrap this Halloween. I won’t lie to you: you can get hurt while trick-or-treating and celebrating this satanic holiday of the damned in other vile ways. Given that I do not find pleasure in celebrating much of anything these days, I am relying on the good folks at www.halloween-safety.com to help me properly explain what a harrowing time is in store for you. Directly lifting quotes from their site means that I respect them, and doesn’t have anything to do with being a lazy writer who is very busy.
“Anytime a child has an accident, it’s tragic. The last thing that you want to happen is for your child to be hurt on a holiday, it would forever live in the minds of the child and the family.”
Apparently driven by molten jealous fury, cchris broke his frosty content contribution silence on the same day that AlexT‘s crossword appeared. He vowed to make one for us to post, too, after he learned “what they even are!” So he’s slithered in with a puzzle about 200 times harder than the last one. Special Hint: the answers are all about cchris! So we hope you’ve been paying attention or even stalking him! (If you have been stalking him, please contact me so that we can share notes.)
Also, horror alert: one of the clues is extra special next level difficult, even for those of us who do these puzzles for fun (even though we are like baby novice skill level), even for those of us who have been talking to him like every day for the past thirteen years. Actually that probably speaks more of how mysterious he is than anything. You know those cold case files and unsolved murders that people still like to try to crack? Well, I’d say that even the Zodiac Killer has nothing on cchris.
Also, if you don’t know how to do these, go to the Inaugural Cryptic Crossword post and read the paragraph AlexT provided.
If you’re like me, you are always on the lookout for prime real estate to create a towering fortress of death, a secluded sex laboratory, or an icy disco chamber. It’s not so easy to find such a place − the world is very large and, as you might expect, the best sites are somewhat secret. On occasion, you might stumble and fall upon a perfect mountain top or secluded island of your dreams while on exciting adventures, or while making a daring escape, but more commonly you will need to strike out alone and do things the hard way. Well, that is, until today. Because today, I am offering my services as a specialized real estate agent for the reclusive, the twisted, and the damned.
What makes me such an expert on tremendously inhospitable locations, you ask? Well, of course I have been scouring the earth on a quest to find an island suitable for my own… doings… However, a man can only be in one place at a time, so I thought perchance I could interest some of you in purchasing and settling. No, it isn’t just that I want to be able to keep tabs on you all, what a silly notion!