Here’s the deal. Although I never see actual costumes for cats in stores (they are all “small dog” costumes that we force onto our little furry shitheads), there appear to be plenty on Etsy, and a lot of hilarious ideas online. So here is my idea for a kind of cat costume that the world really needs, and not the ones it is providing to me, a lover of cats.

As a purebred catlady, I know that cats have strange personalities. Some, like my Tuff Ghost, you can never touch, let alone costume. Haircut lets anyone put anything on her, which is why I make her use the buddy system when going out. Olive decides in each moment what she wants to do, and it is never predictable, although you can definitely predict that she will not want to dress up as a dragon (again). But this idea is probably good for any cat that would allow traditional cat costumes, or maybe even just a harness. Not in a pleasing way of course, but because it will be impossible for your little darling to shake it off.

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In honor of the 141st Annual Kentucky Derby this Sunday, we are dedicating this post to one of our favorite heroes of all time: Secretariat. (You can find a Secretariat paper doll here.)

Secretariat is the greatest horse who ever lived. What an earnest and determined guy he was! Big Red, as he was sometimes known, was just about the fastest horse in the known universe (or wherever horses are!) and set records in 1973 that still stand today.

St. Secretariat by Amanda Wood

When Secretariat was born in 1970, just after midnight on March 30, nobody knew that little horse would be a household name.  He became so famous beyond the racetrack that he was on the covers of Time and Newsweek. Not bad for an equine athlete! He was given to Penny Chenery after birth as the result of a coin toss agreement between the stud owner and the owner of the gentle mother of Big Red. His name was chosen by the secretary of the stable.

Secretariat raced until he was 3 years old, per his contract. Most racehorses are itty bitty little children, runnin’ in their prime. He retired at age 3 with an acclaim that only 10 other horses can boast, winning the Triple Crown of Thoroughbred Racing in the United States.

After his death in 1989, during a necropsy (a normal procedure for a deceased horse), the veterinarian described his heart as a “huge engine.” It was estimated to be 2 ¾ times the size of an average thoroughbred racehorse’s heart. He was put down humanely after being afflicted with an often incurable disease. Unlike most racehorses, whose head, hooves, and heart are buried together, Secretariat was buried whole, an honor befitting the Saint that he is.

Should I really describe the races to you? Of course not. You should watch them, below, with very dramatic music included.

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Wow. Cool. Haha. Omg. Awesome.

The truth is, I didn’t click on your link at all. I’m sorry, but this had to be done and it’s about time I told you. You see, I just don’t care. You send me links every day, and I guess you haven’t figured it out, but I’m not interested. You can stop sending them anytime you want.

Just because I’m online, doesn’t mean I’m not busy. And just because I’m chatting with you, doesn’t mean that I can watch your favorite video of that guy from that movie saying a line from his other movie and then he giggles. Or that I want to, for that matter. Why would I care that you liked something?

Does it even align with my interests? Do you know what those are? It’s not endless cat videos, which you are showing me all the time. Now my Facebook timeline looks like I’m obsessed with cats! (Ignore the photos of my actual cats I guess.)

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Earth Day is really something I should have paid more attention to all my life. I’ve always loved the Earth, as a planet, frankly. It’s doing a great job. I also love everything on it, including trees, bees, Hummers, and Miley Cyrus. However, I never did much for Earth Day, or even remembered when it was.

You guys, it is April 22. I mean I know today is, but that’s also when Earth Day is, every year. For 45 years now!

On Earth Day, it’s important to think about what you can do to help the Earth. No matter how small or how big, you should do something, for the Earth, for your self, and for your friends! You see, this year’s theme for Earth Day is, “It’s Our Time To Lead.”

Melissa Loves Earth by Amanda Wood

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When you’re at a concert, there are a lot of terrible things that apply to all people. Some things, though, are specific to us diminutive versions.

The most obvious problem is that you can’t see the show, of course. I hear stories of how great it is to see concerts live. I’ve even seen some from very far away and it looked pretty cool. I hear that one of the best parts about going to concerts is that you get to watch the bands perform. To me, concerts are just a cool way to hear a band you like.

Dollissa at Concerts by Amanda Wood

 

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Books are amazing. You should read a lot of books. Everyone should! If you didn’t know, this week is National Library Week. There are lots of ways to celebrate! We’re sure you can think of some, but here are some pretty obvious suggestions:

  • Go to your local library and check out a book! If you haven’t read in a while, it’s the perfect time to try out a new option or an old favorite. You can always ask a librarian for help, of course!
  • Buy some new books for your own library/collection/bookshelf/pile at a library sale! My library is having theirs this weekend; two years ago I spent $100 on books under $3, so I’m trying not to bring too much money this time. Although, it was nice of the librarian to drive us home.
  • Do you not have a library card yet? Show your love by getting one this week! Usually, all it takes is proof of address, to show that it is indeed your local library, and a short application. Some libraries even let you do it online, but you might as well go in.
  • Come on, just go.

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We mentioned Dumbo recently in our post about how Tim Burton is going to ruin it. The 1941 animated film Dumbo was based on a toy. The toy idea was pretty much just a storytelling device anyway, and Disney bought the toy in order to make the movie.

During the making of the movie, there was a strike. What led to the strike – including economic turmoil, the war, more unions, and Disney’s reduction in bonuses to employees – is a whole other story. Although the strike lasted five weeks, Dumbo was finished and released. It was made using approximately $950,000.

After a glorious introduction of circus music during the credits, the movie starts by showing us a bunch of adorable baby animals tumbling out of their blankets after being dropped off by storks, the UPS of the Animal Kingdom. All baby animals appear to only have a mother, except for the lucky tiger litter, who seem to have a whopping two parents. Mrs. Jumbo waits sadly for a delivery of her own.

Then, as if circuses aren’t awful places, and probably especially awful in 1941, a crew of smiling animals calmly walk to their homes, each into the appropriate car on the train. For some reason, the train is also a living thing, named Casey Junior. At least he has a great theme song!

And don’t worry about Mrs. Jumbo. You see she has the same UPS guy as me, and he was just exceptionally late. Also: clumsy and unable to read a map. He chases down the train and hops from car to car in a way that only a cartoon bird would.

He finds her with her nosy elephant cohorts and recites some poetry at her, then asks for a signature. Then he sings happy birthday into the bundle, at little Jumbo Jr., while hiccuping oddly, like some sort of drunk, before falling out the window.

Mrs. Jumbo’s bitchy elephant diva cohorts are bitchy elephant divas. We’ll get back to them.

Baby Dumbo is literally the cutest thing that has ever happened on the earth.

Then, he sneezes, and bitchy diva elephants laugh, point, touch, and gossip when his adorable giant ears flap out. Mrs. Jumbo strikes out for the first time, angrily swatting them away from her baby. The mean ladies nickname him Dumbo, to be mean, but it’s pretty cute.

Mean Old Elephant by Amanda Wood

Whatever, bitches. Mrs. Jumbo is in love with her baby boy and his ears, as any mother would be.

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Broad City is a 100% perfect show, and how could you not love season 2’s breakout character, voiced by Paul Downs, who also plays Trey, Abbi’s manager? Was that sentence confusing? We mean Bingo Bronson of course.

A lot of things happen in this episode, Wisdom Teeth, and you should really just watch it. However, the most memorable part featured our new favorite character, Bingo.

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We would like to extend all the well-wishing in the world to Mr. Harrison Ford, an invaluable treasure of an actor who seems to live life teetering on the edge of accidental annihilation. He was recently in a plane crash. He is currently recovering. We hope he heals swiftly and is up and flying around again soon!

Harrison Ford: America's Fabergé Egg

Thank you to Justin Pierce, maker of The Non-Adventures of Wonderella, for the idea. You should read all of his comics, because they are excellent. You could also stand to read Wonderella’s Twitter feed.

Here are some important facts about Fabergé Eggs:

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