Like many people at one or more points in their lives, I too worked in the retail space. I managed to do it for what seemed like decades, but was actually probably closer to just a few years in my twenties (retail has a weird way of making some days feel like years I suppose). Most of those retail jobs were about what you could imagine such as working for low wages while doing menial tasks, like stocking aisles or helping customers. It was never really too bad, I guess. I mean I obviously hated it with a passion while I was doing it, but looking back… eeeehhhh, it wasn’t so terrible. I at least ended up making some decent friends over the years, and have some fairly fond memories from some of those jobs. Obviously there are exceptions though, and today you good people get the honor of reading about the worst retail job experience in my entire life: Working at a big box electronics store.
I originally got the job in a time when my previous job had shit the bed with the Government over back taxes, as I found out when I showed up for work and was locked out of the building. Unemployment is never fun, so I threw out a ton of applications to see if anyone would bite, and the first that called was none other than everyone’s favorite [unnamed] electronics store. I went in for the interview, basically got hired on the spot, and so began my new life as that guy that hangs around the store floor and asks if you need help with whatever. Hey, it’s a job so I didn’t really care, and it seemed easy enough for what I was getting paid. Or at least it was in the beginning.
In the United States, as soon as winter gives way to spring, the birds start singing, the flowers begin to bloom, and every town, village, and city finds itself littered with price-tagged used belongings of its citizens who are in the throes of “Spring Cleaning Madness.” After the spring rush, the yard sales continue for various reasons: moving, destitution, punishment, masochism, and so on. Families are torn apart as they decide what items no longer hold any value, sentimental or otherwise, and then they come back together as they brave the onslaught of bargain hunting strangers who like to snoop and swindle. The yard sale is sometimes a garage sale, and sometimes it is a rummage sale. Some towns organize one big event for everyone to participate in because they prefer the chaos to be concentrated and overwhelming.
I should probably be less enthusiastic about this, but I really enjoy a good yard sale. A lot. I’m not exactly sure why, though. Perhaps it stems from the lurid fascination of rummaging through strange people’s twenty year-old collection of dust-encrusted junk that no one on Earth would ever want to purchase outside of such an event. And while virtually everything in yard sales is total and absolute shit, I simply cannot get enough of it. Besides, I honestly don’t know where you could ever have the chance to purchase used dentures for 10 cents anywhere else but a yard sale.
Because of this rabid fascination of mine, I have decided to help any of you out there who may be interested in festooning your lawn with all of your worthless junk. So let us enjoy a brief excursion into the world of American yard selling tactics in an effort to make our future yard selling efforts − no matter how few they may be − all that much better.
Sometimes I watch old dumb videos on YouTube because I have no life. Literally. My life consists of getting up, going to work, coming home, and going to bed. Be it old commercials from the eighties, or terrible training videos from fast food restaurants, it continuously fascinates me to no end. There’s something about watching these old videos that genuinely brings me back to a time that, obviously, isn’t coming back. It relaxes and soothes in a way that few things can. And while I’m aware that living life with rose-tinted glasses can be dangerous, it’s usually always fun to put them on occasionally to see just how modern-day life has evolved and changed over the years. Also I’m pretty sure I once heard my history teacher tell me that learning from the past is just as important as living in the present, so there’s that whole thing to pull out of my ass when someone wants to question why I’m obviously insane.
Below you’ll find just a few of the YouTube channels and videos that I use to escape into at times. Sometimes to just relax, other times to actually learn from the past, or at least laugh at just how dumb everyone was back in the day.
Everyone likes to drink. It’s a goddamn American pastime as far as I know. And until casual drugs are legalized across the country, it will continue to be people’s preferred way of losing their minds in a social gathering, or just at home by themselves. It’s a great way to blow off some steam, or make your life and everyone around you slightly more tolerable. Generally, it’s a good time for all. Unfortunately a problem arises when someone just doesn’t know how to deal with drinking: the Excessive Drinker. Usually these are the people who are the loudest or most obnoxious people in the bar. They have had way too much drank, and they have no idea how to control themselves. Anyone who has been out on a weekend has seen it, and it’s not a pretty sight. Nobody wants to be that person. And we’re not going to let you become that person.
The below guide is here to help you on your way in the art of excessive alcohol consumption. What? You just thought it was as easy as taking as many shots as possible and hoping you don’t die of alcohol poisoning? That’s a big rookie mistake! Go in with that attitude and you’ll be waking up naked in the middle of an alley with a prolapsed colon in no time. No one wants that. Or at least no one SHOULD want that. Take heed of the following tips, and you’ll be able to enjoy your new-found life as an alcoholic that much more. So get those bottles lined up, we have a lot of things to cover before you get too drunk to remember any of it.
Lately I’ve been trying to find something that I can eat for lunch at work that doesn’t come out of that part of the frozen meal section that oh so many middle-aged women huddle around at your local supermarket. While those frozen meals are generally okay, I find myself slowly spiraling into depression more and more with every microwave thawing of one. I have no idea why. Maybe because it makes me sad that I would much rather be eating SpaghettiOs straight out of the can than sitting there deciding if I would rather get another frozen brick of French Mushroom Italian Delight Panini, or Italian Lobster Fish Fart Bake. At least SpaghettiOs have a taste. They taste like SpaghettiOs. All of that frozen stuff just tastes like microwave radiation, no matter how many fancy ingredients you claim are in it.
As much as I would like to just drink a can of SpaghettiOs at work, I feel I need to be a bit more “adult” in my lunch approach. So I did what any confused person that has no clue what the fuck they want does at the supermarket and wandered into the mystical International Foods aisle. I was instantly greeted with more than a few lunch options: mostly a bunch of generic rice packets and other assorted ricey things. But that shit need not even apply because out of the corner of my eye, I spotted these little beauties: