Hello my sneer friends. Recently I went through an eye-opening and scary time, and I wanted to share some of my experience with you. My hope is that anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation will be prepared if this ever happens to them.

I’d been watching the Gordon Ramsey-led reality television show “Hotel Hell.” The sound of an Englishman yelling at people for keeping a refrigerator full of beetles or for making a placenta mural in the foyer really brings me down and gets me to a place where I’m ready to sleep at night. Sometimes in my dreams Gordon is riding a giant horse, and he trots up to the field where I take my picnics, and he showers me with warm beef wellingtons. The crust hits my cheeks with an audible crunch and I beam with pride at my famous man pastry cow circles.

Then it happened. One night, unable to quite make my way through an episode, I paused the show, to continue later.

aaaa

A startling visage now lay before me – I knew it was human but there was something wrong – a feeling deep in my spine, a tingle in my feet and a sense of dread rolled through me all at once. If this frame of the show really belonged here, what could possibly happen next?

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In a world where everything sucks and is bad, I decided to go review some restaurants, because why not, we’re all going to die anyway, right?

sweet tart imo

Putting on my stomping boots I stomped downtown and found myself in the hottest food district around, with eateries either side of the road stretching as far as the eye can see, which isn’t far – about four places – since I lost my contact lenses in the divorce. That’s just petty, Carol. Anyway, I went to each of them sequentially, purging in intermission to ensure my stomach was as ready to receive my next meal as it was for the last.

 

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The International Co-operative Corporation for Corporate Cash Enbiggenment (ICCCCE) today announced a new initiative described as a “beautification and cultural enhancement project, which would have poor people phased out of existence by 2025.

In a press conference earlier today, ICCCCE Chairman Rich Dubloon said that he’d first noticed the issue when dropping his children off to play with some economically disadvantaged friends they had met during a cultural exchange at their prestigious private school.

“I bought the school immediately, don’t you know. Put a stop to that rot!” said Dubloon. “Now you might call me a right old fashioned sort but I didn’t realise these sorts of scallywags exist, you see! I’d seen them in pictures and at the talkies but damned if I didn’t think they weren’t make-pretend! A contrivance, you see!”

get em outContinue reading

In today’s vernacular, sometimes Feminism can be a dirty word. To others, it’s a thing of hope — the ideology and expectations of a future generation on its shoulders. But even amongst those followers there are divisions — schisms in a movement so massive it can’t help but crack under the heavy weight of its inertia. But for the survival of this phenomenon to be ensured, ¬†one thing must stay true: Feminism must be intersectional. Also, I’d really like it if they brought back those 3D Doritos.

faminism

 

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alt titles: “Blum, Blum, Blum, Blum, I Want You In My Room”, “Max Blum: Feels Like Homo”

Today is Adam Pally’s Birthday! Happy Birthday Adam. To celebrate we dedicate today’s article to the one and only Max Blum from Happy Endings. We are going to celebrate by also celebrating me because that is how things are done when they are done in the spirit of Max.

max blum
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computer man

From time to time, Saxon is visited by one of the muses — the one that inspires poetry. The poetry that emerges is unpredictable in topic and form. It cannot be channeled; it can only be held onto for dear life until its completion… and then it is published here on whatever Thursday is nearest and empty on our schedule. So pull up a seat and click your fingers in appreciation of this gift from above.

<3 Sneer Campaign

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vote for

Ken, one of four quintuplets, was born March 19, 1994 in the neighbourhood of South Boston. He was raised in a small wood-panel home with three sisters. His father, Frank Bonesworth, affectionately known to friends as “Bones” was a hunter with no formal education. His mother Anna, was a stay-at-home carer to her children. Both parents came from 6th-generation South Boston families. He attended the prestigious Academie de Collier, working as a hunter alongside his father during vacation. After graduating in 2000, Ken became an apprentice hunter.

 

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It’s so damn hot, you guys. It’s like, really hot. I’m not saying that it’s never been hot before, and I’m not even saying it’s never been THIS hot before, but what I certainly am saying is that right now: it is really hot. Did somebody accidentally bump the sun a little closer to us on the last trip round? I’m looking at you Jupiter, you stupid piece of goddamn shit.

poor juper

I’m.. I’m sorry, Jupiter, and fans of Jupiter. I didn’t mean to have an outburst. It’s just, you guys… it’s really hot right now. It’s like I’m playing the maracas underwater and every time I shake my maracas, the water gets hotter. And everybody wants to do the samba, and also everyone else has maracas too, and also everyone has a serious tremor in both hands AND ALSO the song we are all playing is “Johnny Fast-Hands Plays The Maracas Faster Than Usual.” Additionally, instead of a pool it’s a furnace fill with water, and instead of that water, there’s fire, and no maracas, and Johnny Fast-Hands’ fast hands are fused together, pock-marked by the embers and pitch black like your grandparents’ souls.

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Google.com. Bing.com. Tumblr.com. With names as stupid as these, we must have run out of truly worthy website names a long time ago, right? Right? NUH-to-the-motherfucking-UH. Our crack Sneer Investigationist Team went under deep internet cover to discover the shocking truth about the websites that everyone assumes are taken: that the only barrier to website success is our failure to dream hard enough and reach for the internet stars.

saxon

 

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My Amandoll is made
of bleeps and bloops
Of internet sounds
and video loops

AmandaBot - Amanda Poem #78

My Amandoll is dust
of an internet kind
of internet dust
that lives in my mind

Internet Dust - Amanda Poem #78

My Amandoll is real
I am quite sure
But always behind
An internet door

Internet Door - Amanda Poem #78

My Amandoll is Queen
Queen of the snaps
She passed the young bee
Left him in her tracks

Crown - Amanda Poem #78

My Amandoll is wonder
Treased delight
My Amandoll is blissful
Internet light

Internet Light - Amanda Poem #78

My Amandoll is stuck
Across the sea
Always, forever
Away from me

The Sea - Amanda Poem #78

illustrations by and added by dollissa without permission