Color Therapy the Sneer Way

Are you familiar with Chromotherapy? It is the treatment of every possible thing through the use of color. You can use light put through the filters you want, drink water that has been charged in the sunlight through glass of the color you are needing, chew it up inside of you by eating foods that are really just edible colors, surround yourself with it by putting your head inside of a box appropriately colored, or wear your favorite color so that you feel like the best version of yourself. Color is a medicine that you can take many ways. Color is a friend who is always there to help you.

As I understand it, which is to say, I think I’ve read before, somewhere, sometime in my long winding life history, that you can combine the use of chromotherapy with other sense-therapies, such as aroma and sound, which all correspond with each other on spectrums. And then you get a souped up mega-blast of health — physical, mental, AND spiritual. I don’t know about all of that though. I only got my degree in chromotherapy this morning, right before I started writing this. You can still trust me, though.

im set

Continuing with the idea that all things are connected, we decided to offer you some help, which is always why we are here. I will educate you on the colors, what they mean, and which of our articles embody that color, so that you can read them while you eat a food and listen to a music and submerge your life in the color you neeeeed. (Hint: in the case of our articles, you obviously need the full spectrum, repeating on an endless loop).

RED

When you see red, you are upset. Furious, even. It boils up the blood and gets you all fiery. You need more red in your life if you suspect that you are a pushover. It is said that the meek shall inherit the earth, but when will that be? Time’s a-wastin’ — get riled up and fight some battles. Are you fatigued? Listless? Get a red lightbulb, dress up like a big angry tomato, listen to your favorite album of military marching bands or breakcore and read these articles from us that have these tags: rants, H8, injustice.

 

PINK

The color of women! WIMMIN. We, all of us, even you, are meant to increase the feminine in our lives. It is delicate and refined, sensitive and emotional, and even a bit romantic. Fit yourself into every bit of breast cancer awareness clothing you have, all nine hundred items you have accumulated in the past ten years and feel too guilty to get rid of, and shine bright with your soft pink truth. Be gentle and girly as you read our articles. Grow strong with what society so often considers “weakness.” On the other hand if all you do is cry and power-eat bonbons for comfort, head back to red.

 

ORANGE

Orange is like an orange. Pulpy, with a skin you need to peel back. Orange is playful and friendly, but with an element of risk-thrill because you could get citric acid in your eye, or discover that you have a papercut. You take orange if you are feeling a little under the weather and need some boost to your immune system. Have you been feeling like a stick in the mud? Do you feel boring and unlikable? Read these articles and print out these pages which embody the spirit of orange to get you going in the right direction: activities.

 

YELLOW

Is there anything more yellow than our Sun? Is the Sun even yellow or is that the color of our retinal walls burning away? Yellow is cheer and happiness, and it’s really in your face about it. It’s the painful optimism of a 100% full on extrovert who has had too much caffeine. “Being yellow” and having a belly of that color usually means that a person is a coward, but the fact of the matter is that yellow is ONLY joy. It is ONLY sunny-minded bursts of happiness and enthusiasm.

 

GREEN

Again, this is often an unfairly maligned color. It has nothing to do with envy or jealousy. It is purely only ever a restorative color of good health and growth, as you might see in a forest or lawn. Green is a color of the Earth, which is our mother and she wants us to be well. She also wants us to calm down and stop breaking things, which is why you will use green to calm thyself. Look at that healthy lettuce leaf and become it. Watch its tender acceptance as it is eaten by a wild rabbit. If you are stressed and angry, trying to fight against the rabbit of life, please stop. Just accept things. Let god after you let go. God is green and also Mother Earth. We write like that, too, as you know. This whole article is green!

 

BLUE

According to my studies and research, “blue” comes in a few forms, much like the ocean waters which it is meant to evoke. Dark Blue is deep, stable, knowledgeable, like we are so frequently. Light Blue is light and ethereal, nourishing to the soul, heavenly — also just like we are. But then there is Indigo, which is like those special children born in the 1980s who possess foresight and awareness of past lives and alien culture. Read these articles when you are in need of feeling like there is more to life than what your cynical secular minds stubbornly insist they know. Open that mind and listen to Tibetan Bowls and read us. Let us in.

 

PURPLE

When you are feeling down on yourself, like you are just some peon serf who gets no regard, and no esteem either, like Rodney Dangerfield parodying himself, you should drape yourself in your finest velvet purple robe, turn on the violet lights, and deep-sniff your lavender essential oil straight from the bottle. You are royalty. You are sophistication. Let your sublime regal inner purple light glow bright while you read these articles from us which encourage this sort of feeling in you somehow.

 

WHITE

White brings you the sort of peace and spiritual purity only found in the feathers of a gleaming dove released at an important ceremony. Have you ever seen a saint before? White doves land on them all the time and for a really good reason! You need white light in your life if you have been doing bad things like trash-talking friends behind their backs, leaving scars on souls, or murdering anyone. White light is also best to read your books under. Not your seedy books, either! I mean your books about kindness and goodness. It is also currently the background color of the Sneer Campaign because we are nothing but a bunch of sacred spiritual texts at this point.

 

BROWN

Wommmp. You might think you never would need brown in your life except you would be wrong! Brown is warm and chocolaty, comforting. It is sweet to the taste, no matter how you take it in. Are you feeling alone? Hungry? Brown it up. Are you also feeling too proud and uppity? Use brown then, too, because it is the color of the good honest soil. Get back to your roots! Dig in deep. Or read one of our dozens of articles about human excrement because we are pure class.

 

GREY

This can also be thought of as “silver,” because we need a purpose for all of our shiny silver clothes. Have you been feeling too happy? Have people been telling you to tone it down and dial it back? Is your freak flag waving a little too frantically? Get into grey, then. It is practical, subdued, and self-confident. It knows it doesn’t need to impress anyone. It looks good alone or paired with any other color. It’s almost smug in its anonymity, look at it! Grey has no complaints and will tell you to go do one if you try to change it. I feel grey inside, how about you?

 

BLACK

If you love black then you are a Goth. There’s no other way to look at it. Most people shy away from black, considering it to be “evil” or “depressing,” however, anyone whose soul emanates black can tell you that depressing evil is comforting, like being in the mother’s womb prior to birth — not after. If you are ever feeling insecure, overstimulated, or overwhelmed, turn out the lights, listen to your best dirge tunes, and feel that you are in a good hug, because you are. It must be noted that a “black light” is not black light. Black light is no light. Black color therapy is only in the form of: clothing, music, paint, and licorice. And, of course, many many of our articles.

Leave a Reply