Sometimes when you’re alone and there is nothing to do you may feel alone with your thoughts. But no worries, there are all sorts of things you can do in your own head to keep you entertained. Here, our new guest writer Hoffman gives you some suggestions.

Invent Something That Exists

Nobody likes those stoplight cameras. I don’t even think they’re still working, people hate that. Maybe they should try and maybe get something that measures how fast you go and gives you a ticket if needed? Wait no, that doesn’t seem appropriate for empty roads or if you’re forced to speed by pushy traffic. Oh! what if it was just traffic violations? Like, somehow detect if someone runs a red light. And you just automatically get the ticket in the mail, making sure no-oh wait, hold on. Shit.

Gaslight Yourself

Man, I should call my brother, haven’t spoke to him in a while and he’s great. Come to think of it, I sort of got really lucky with the sibling lottery. I like them all, and they’re all safe and smart enough that I don’t have to worry about ‘em. It’s not like my brother’s off doing keg stands and smashing his face in. God, I don’t even know how I’d react. He’d be so ashamed, I bet, it’d be the ultimate insult to injury. That poor guy, that sucks so much. That’s such a shitty thing. I should check up on him and see how his keg stand injur-oh wait, hold on. Shit.

Harness the power of self-confidence to hate yourself!

I’m not so bad! In fact, I’m a pretty good person! Look at my friends! They’re awesome as hell, so if they like me, I should take their word for it. I wonder why they like me? Crap, I tricked all these people into liking me! I’m such an assho-oh wait, hold on. Shit.

Bedtime Lullabies

Okay, just relax. No pressure. just calm down, enjoy being calm and you’ll be asleep soon enough. No more thinking. I got this. Complete willpower to slow down my thoughts. Total and absolute lack of thinking about stuff. I’ve stopped thinking about how to sleep. No more sleep thinking, I’m finished, I’m just emptying my mind. No sleep thoughts. Oh wait, hold on, sh-FUCK I NEED TO SLEEP FALL ASLEEP ALREADY AAAAAGGGHHHH.

Logic Puzzles

Well, if i was a dick, then chances are I wouldn’t realize it. I’m probably not a dick if I think I am. Wait, but then I don’t think I’m a dick. So that mea-oh wait, hold on. Shit.

Become a Socialite

Crap, I’m starting to feel depressed, I should talk to somebody. It doesn’t have to be about feeling bad, just start a conversation! At worst it’d get my mind off it! Not sure I can actually think about anything else, though. Other people’s problems are a zillion times worse, and I’m gonna complain, I know it. The best thing to do about depression is to just sit alone in silence for a few hours. Pretty sure.

Help Others

Oh dang, she’s driving with the parking brake on. She hears the screeching, right? I should say something, this is going to destroy the car. But if *I* noticed, she definitely did. Or wait − oh god, what if she gets embarrassed?! Crap, she has her head down on the steering wheel. Maybe there’s something I can’t see from the passenger seat? Or maybe she’s having a bad day or something? This is bad driving but it’s not really my place to say anything. Uh, she looks like she’s taking a nap, actually. Is it worth waking her up just because we’re plummeting into a ravine?

Take Directions

Uh, geez, okay, he’s saying something really important, this is going to be the rest of my month. Asking what you need to do after he tells you will be humiliating, interrupt his work, and look like you’re incompetent. I sort of am, though, right? If this is even a worry… I think it is. But it’s fixable, you just have to listen to − oh wait he’s waiting for me to say something. Goddammit. What syllables did you catch? Pretend to cough, so you can try and piece together a sentence he may have said. Uhhhh, pretty sure that’s uh, damn. I got nothing. Just nod.

Reminisce

Remember that time you accidentally said the most insulting thing to that lady? Let’s review it. It’s only 4am, you’ve got a few hours to try and reflect on how badly you affected her, probably. Shit.