Nursery rhymes are a staple for most of us as we grow up. They are age-old classics from yester-century, usually, with some modernizations and updates so that we aren’t teaching children about drowning kittens in wells like it’s just a thing boys happen to do, so here’s a cute little rhyme about it. Or, oh here’s some nightmare fodder about the clumsy egg man who died.
It seems that Mother Goose lived sometime in the 1800s, made a collection of poems for children, and that was that. No one ever tried again because why mess with perfection, I assume they thought. Well except for modern day poets such as Andrew Dice Clay, who I understand modernized nursery rhymes in a more ribald sense. But that is of no use to anyone, anymore.
Luckily for us all, we at the Sneer Campaign have unearthed some “new” versions of beloved nursery rhymes, which the sophisticated children of the 1920s and 1930s enjoyed and learned from. Their lessons were timeless and universal, so children of today will benefit just as well. In fact, the children of today will benefit even more because modern kids have not a lick of urbanity or savoir-faire. So have their nannies and au pairs strap them down and force them to recite these poems. It builds the right kind of character that the world desperately needs!
Garbo, Garbo, Full of Sorrow
Garbo, Garbo, full of sorrow,
How does your legend grow?
With expensive rings, and pretty things,
And a face that steals the show.
Ol’ Garbo-Peep has lost her sleep,
And goes without beauty rest;
Sleeplessness drones, inside her home,
She fears she can’t look her best.
This Little Garbo
This little Garbo came from Sweden
This little Garbo brooded
This little Garbo was a star
This little Garbo got rich
And this little Garbo cried, “weep weep weep!” all the way home
Greta Garbo gasped and gulped a garbled giggle
A gasp-ed, garbled giggle Greta Garbo gulped.
If Greta Garbo guffawed out a girlish giggle,
How could Greta Garbo grow to be a glum and gloomy gal?
Ritzy Glitzy Garbo
The ritzy glitzy Garbo had a new movie out.
Down came the critics
suggesting she’s washed out.
Out came the fans
and dried up all the pain
and the ritzy glitzy Garbo had strength to film again