How to Buy A House in Five Easy Steps

It is fun to live in a house. Really fun! There’s lots of places to go and hopefully a yard and you don’t have to pay rent, ideally. Well, not if you own it.

It’s hard to buy a house though. About a year ago I vowed to buy one on an impulse. Apparently that is impossible. There are all sorts of obstacles and paperwork and discouraging people, leaving an impulse buy a difficult option for you even if you can figure it out at all.

Lucky for all of you, I have done all the hard work. I have narrowed it down to five steps in order to secure your dream house.

choose house

 

 

Choose A House

There are so many houses out there, it’s crazy! Big, little, old, new, and a full range of architectural styles are all out there for the choosing. You can choose from houses positioned on lanes, streets, boulevards, avenues, roads, etc! Pick a fancy sounding address like Celestial Drive, or something a little different, like that one house on Dick Street. So many of them are empty, too! You don’t have to buy an empty one. That’s a pro-tip from us here at Sneer Campaign. You can kick people right out once you get it, it’s great. Sometimes they’ll even offer to leave things behind, but you probably won’t want them, unless it’s a really cool ghost.

Houses can have as few as three rooms or many, many dozens if you’re a very wealthy type. Decide how many cats you want to keep in the house, and that’s how many bedrooms you’ll need. Make sure they each have their own; cats get very territorial. Make sure you have a lot of sinks, too.

olive

 

Tell Someone You Want It

Someone has to know that you want it! This is how The Secret works. You have to put out into the universe that you want the house. Do the following:

  1. write the address of the house you want 100 times in your favorite notebook
  2. use The Power of Imagination to decorate each room
  3. tell one of the following people: us, a realtor, a beloved pet(s), the owner, or your favorite priest
  4. create one or more vision boards (the more ornate, the better)
  5. cry each time someone buys a house before you can, then assert that you didn’t want that one anyway, and a better house will appear

someone else buy this house

 

Consult the Tarot

Here at Sneer Campaign we have our own personal Mystic Adviser, Tonyana. You can use any adviser you trust! Make sure that they have a deep connection to the spiritual world, know the house you want to get, and are just exactly encouraging enough, but not so encouraging that you start to wonder at their motives or fear some sort of weird Curse of Fate.

We recommend consulting them several times about various small things. Will the upstairs bedroom be perfect for a mutilated doll sitting on a stool? Is the ghost friendly? Will the whole building collapse as you crash through the priceless stained glass windows on a cartoonishly tall ladder?

judy

 

Argue With Your Mother

This is the hardest part! Mom is still angry. She will understand once she sees the house in person though!

pocket doors

 

Have A House

Time to move in! Don’t forget your cats, kitchen supplies, gardening tools, thousands of books, linens, and furniture. Also don’t forget the extreme cost of repairs down the road, the liability you hold by owning some property, taxes, utilities, food, cat food, roller skates, temporary tattoos, and wigs. Invite everyone you know to stay, figuring that no one will show up. Be delighted and then remorseful when they all do at the same time. Then: live happily and comfortably ever after with no need to care about anything ever again!

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