Everyone likes to drink. It’s a goddamn American pastime as far as I know. And until casual drugs are legalized across the country, it will continue to be people’s preferred way of losing their minds in a social gathering, or just at home by themselves. It’s a great way to blow off some steam, or make your life and everyone around you slightly more tolerable. Generally, it’s a good time for all. Unfortunately a problem arises when someone just doesn’t know how to deal with drinking: the Excessive Drinker. Usually these are the people who are the loudest or most obnoxious people in the bar. They have had way too much drank, and they have no idea how to control themselves. Anyone who has been out on a weekend has seen it, and it’s not a pretty sight. Nobody wants to be that person. And we’re not going to let you become that person.
The below guide is here to help you on your way in the art of excessive alcohol consumption. What? You just thought it was as easy as taking as many shots as possible and hoping you don’t die of alcohol poisoning? That’s a big rookie mistake! Go in with that attitude and you’ll be waking up naked in the middle of an alley with a prolapsed colon in no time. No one wants that. Or at least no one SHOULD want that. Take heed of the following tips, and you’ll be able to enjoy your new-found life as an alcoholic that much more. So get those bottles lined up, we have a lot of things to cover before you get too drunk to remember any of it.
Find The Alcohol That’s Right For You
I’m not talking about flavoring or that special bouquet of scents that would erupt into your senses after the shot glass is passed in front of you. All alcohol tastes like spicy cat asshole, so don’t bother being too picky. If you have a low alcohol tolerance, and generally only want to get buzzed enough to accidentally grab some guy’s crotch on the dance floor, then you should be fine with some vodka shots or mixes. If you’re feeling like you would like to go ahead and just ruin your whole goddamn life, then you should maybe check out the tequila, or some of the stronger rums in the house that go above 90 proof. If you do go for the stronger stuff, keep in mind that you will probably lose control of yourself far faster than you want. One sentence you may be perfectly coherent, and the next you will be slurring your way through C&C Music Factory lyrics while trying to french kiss your napkin.
Once you find what level of drunkenness you are comfortable with, stick with your drink of choice. Not only will you be able to know over time what you’re about to get yourself into, you’ll also be building a tolerance to it as the depressing months and years wear on. You’ll know you have hit this point when you have taken several shots of whiskey and feel fine, while the rest of your friends are trying to see who can suck their own dick after one beer. This is also the point where drinking becomes more expensive for you, because it requires more to get drunk. Take advantage of this by making your already drunk friends pay for you. Problem solved.
Now that you have your alcohol in order, it’s time to go about knowing when to drink. I mean, you could very well just drink whenever you want, but doing so would immediately change you from “Fun Drinking Guy” to “Human Tragedy.” You don’t want to be that sad person that has a bottle glued to his or her lips at all hours. That generally causes things like family interventions, and that dreaded forced rehab trip. We don’t want that. No, you need another way to excuse your nonstop drinking. That basically leads us to finding various reasons to celebrate. Got a dog or cat’s birthday coming up? Break out the gin. Make it through another grueling day at work? That’s worth more than a few grips and sips. Went a night without drinking? Well holy shit, you need a well deserved night of drinking.
That’s the thing about drinking: it doesn’t matter. When you want to drink, you can always find a reason to celebrate. This is why the Irish are always having so much fun drinking together. Most likely, Fearghal O’Scolaighe was able to finally clip that infected toenail off. So of course it’s time to celebrate! Get the gang together! We got some Irish Red to drink until we all throw up on each other and pass out. For most people, the idea of celebrating something makes excessive drinking much easier to excuse. This is your one chance in life to celebrate this particular event, right? So there’s basically no reason why you shouldn’t drink an entire fifth of vodka by yourself for whatever asinine reason you can come up with. So scribble something on the calendar for tonight, and get ready to drink your life away with a perfectly good excuse at your side. If you need help, go to our favorite source of ridiculous holidays! Some last a whole month, so you’ll build up to those marathon celebrations, if you know what’s good for ya.
Don’t Talk to Your Sober Friends
So you’re three hours into celebrating your cat’s Bat Mitzvah, and you’re feeling good. So good that you feel like everyone else should know as well. STOP RIGHT THERE. Put the phone down. Use some restraint, and no one has to get hurt. Yes, even though the night is going AWESOMELY for you, that doesn’t mean your boring, sober friends at home give a shit. Contrary to what you may think while heavily intoxicated, your sober friends do not want to listen to your drunken jibber-jabber. I realize that to YOU it all makes sense and is awesome, but besides a few choice lines that they may be able to record and use for blackmail later, your friends HATE when you drunkenly babble at them. First off, you make no goddamn sense. You sound like a cross between a broken toy and a dog that is trying to learn how to talk. The things you are saying make no logical sense whatsoever. Here is a perfect example taken from my own drunken texts:
YOU PIT THAT FUCKIBG SB
INTO A GODDAMN SEWR
POUR THAT FUCKIBG MUTAGEN ON THAT ASD
MAKE HIM ONTO A TEENAGE TURTELY
HE WIPL DIGNTHTHAT MOTHETFUKCING CRIME AND FUCK
I WILL AALUTW HIM AS AM AMWRICAM
HE IS AMWRICAN
IT MAKES ME SAG
FUCK THAT HALLUCINAGINIC TYRTKE
I WILL SHIT
In a deer
Now to drunk me, this was a perfectly legible conversation about taking our friend and turning him into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. And then something about shitting in a deer, I guess. But to my poor friend that endured this string of alcohol-addled blather, it was just another excuse for him to never speak to me again. Just try to remember that the next time you have drunk your weight in rum and get the idea that your friends at home would like to hear your opinions about cow genitals. Just hope someone punches you in the face before you can.
Enjoy Your Drunken Stream of Consciousness
With the above being said, that doesn’t mean you can’t still have fun. After all, there are few things more enjoyable in life than the moment you hit on a stream of dialogue solely inspired by the amount of alcohol in your blood. Whether it’s discussing the merits of season two of He-Man, or how much you love that one godawful Phil Collins song for no less than 45 minutes, it is a thing of beauty. Because no matter how fucking dumb the shit is that’s coming out of your mouth, it is completely clear to other (drunk) people around you how serious you are about it. Not only is it passionate, but it is you at your absolute most stupid, putting yourself and your pent-up opinions out there for all to hear. Whether they want to or not.
The only bad thing about this, is that it almost always inevitably leads to…
Getting Too Emotional
Now we’re in the danger zone. And not the cool Top Gun kind. This is the part of the night where your drinking can go one of two ways. You can either:
- Take stock in just how drunk you are. Do you currently have tears in your eyes after watching a Katy Perry video you have never nor will ever like? Are you getting abnormally angry at the smallest things? Do you have the desire to do things you would normally never do under any circumstances? If you say yes to any of these, then it may be best to call it quits for the night before things get bad.Or:
- Ignore all of the above and just go with it.
If you chose number two, then you are now at that point where generally nothing will go right for you. You are drunk and emotional. You are still drinking. You are slowly losing your mind.
You have blacked out.
Oh no. You have done the cardinal sin of drinking. There is no point to writing any sort of tips for when you black out, because you are fucking blacked out. At this point, you are the living version of a choose your own adventure game. A really, really stupid and dangerous choose your own adventure game. You have very little control over what you do, so you will most likely do anything. And I mean anything. The worst part is that no matter what you do, you will never get those memories back. They are gone. You will wake up and be completely at the mercy of whatever anyone else tells you that you may or may not have done. And no matter what they say, it will all be bad. You will instantly regret everything, no matter how much you thought it was a good idea to try and do the stupid shit you did the night before. So keep in mind that there is only one tip for blacking out, and you only get to choose it once before it happens:
Don’t black out.
The only thing you can hope for is to see it before it hits you (this is rare), and hope that you are around friends or people that will not take advantage of a stupid person that has obviously blacked out. If you are drinking by yourself, then you are fucked. God only knows what your blacked-out self will manage to do. If you have friends around, at least they can possibly babysit your ass long enough to drag you home and hope that you don’t choke on your own vomit and die. If you wake up with no knowledge of the night before and things seem “fairly” normal, then you better be thanking your friends until they forcibly stop you. Even if you did make it out of the desert fairly unscathed, you’re still going to have to deal with…
The Inevitable Next Morning
So you just woke up face-down in a toilet that may or may not be yours. You are definitely not wearing most of your clothes. And it appears you have decided to collect several animals the previous night and bring them into your house as some sort of highly intoxicated animal rescue worker. Hell, you’re not sure of anything at this point. You can’t think straight since the headache you have is currently causing your brain to rupture out of your skull. You can barely move without the urge to turn your stomach inside out into whatever bowl or sink is closest. At first glance, this may come off as a huge mistake on your part. But let me be the first to offer you congratulations. You have taken in a large amount of alcohol, and – for the most part – kept the damage to a minimum.
Don’t believe me?
Of course you don’t. You are currently engaged in expelling most of your organs out of your ass and mouth at the same time. Don’t worry though, because in a couple of days when the hangover wears off, you can see for yourself. Check your phone. You didn’t text any old exes or embarrass yourself to every person on your contact list. Check your body. No bruises or broken bones. Check your bed. No horrific beast laying in wait after a night of life-scarring drunken sex. Check your wallet. Looks pretty intact since you didn’t buy everyone you saw a fifth of the bar’s best whiskey.
Looking pretty good to me, bucko!
So congratulations on your new life as a binge drinker. You may not always be able to make the best decisions, but at least try to keep these tips in mind and you should always end up on the better side of a losing fight.