Picture it, you’ve just moved into a beautiful new home in a safe and happy neighborhood with manicured lawns. You’ve unpacked all your essentials, changed your address, and turned on your utilities… now it’s time to make an impression. A big one. You want your new neighbors to know how charming, intelligent, and definitely innocent you are.
We’ve gathered a few ways that you can really make a name for yourself in your new town, while only raising a little bit of suspicion, instead of a lot. Say hello to your new neighbors in a way that violently screams, “I LIVE VERY CLOSE TO YOU NOW.” It’s a lot of work, but so is the social contract of a suburban neighborhood.
Bake a pie for every single house on your block. Personalize each with their house number or a design element from outside their house on the top of the pie. Cute mailboxes work for that if you can handle the detail.
That number of pies clearly says, “hello, it’s so nice to meet you and thank you for accepting this gift so that I can case your home for any future crimes I have up my sleeve.” When you give them the pie, make sure to say to them, “This pie is not poisoned, ha ha! Wow, what a beautiful home, may I come in?”
For each of your neighbors, give them a stunningly accurate drawing of their home, complete with any exits or alarm systems clearly marked. Don’t be afraid to take photographs of their house for reference first, or ask for any architectural drawings if available. Check anything from Google Maps to your local county records to make sure you get it just right.
The more detail, the more they’ll know that you care! And that you know the full layout of where they live and sleep… where their children sleep.
Skin care products are essential, people seem to think. Soft supple skin is the goal of all. Skin unblemished by time, skin so healthy that it seems to glow from within! So grab the biggest basket you can find and fill it with lotions, balms, and perfumes. Provide an accompanying card lamenting that you wish you could spend more time with them, but that they can think of you when using the products instead.
Put Up Decorations
String lights around your house until you’re dizzy. String up so many lights that your neighbors get dizzy, too. People love that sensation. It’s why children spin in circles and why adults drink until they fall down. If you are unfortunate enough to have found your dream home in a place that has a neighborhood association dictating the limits of your yard art, then do everything you can right up to the line. Get creative in any case. May I suggest that you put up sculptures (any kind of sculpture) that represent actual neighbors?
Lend a Hand, or Hammer
Offer them the use of your tools which invariably includes things like an axe, hacksaw, bone saw, and claw hammer. Really emphasize the claw end. Swing it around a few times. Mention how it whistles through the air, freshly sharpened. Once in a while go over and ask, “Hey were you the one who asked to borrow my bone saw? No? Was it the axe?” Only lunge at them in surprise if it feels natural for the moment.
Talk About Soundproofing
You know that one guy who is obsessed with soundproofing? Everyone loves that guy! Be that guy. Follow your nearest neighbors around, telling them about how you spent all that time finding the best soundproofing materials and methods,and how they are probably all going to want to soundproof their homes too, or at least their basements. Spread the gospel.