I love Pokémon. Primarily, I have played the card game (TCG), but in the past I have made a half-hearted attempt at the GameBoy games as well. I never got very far in those, although I have done okay enough casually at the card game. Here is an unordered list of some of my favorite types of Pokémon and how likely each one of them is to devour me in spite of my love.
Regigigas – Colossal Pokémon
Height: 12′ 2″
Weight: 925.9 lbs
Regigigas is my favorite Pokémon to play cards with. He is big and strong and has a lot of big and strong friends, like Regirock, Registeel, and Regice. Plus, he’s super cool, and he pulls continents around. For some reason, I always thought of him as an herbivore, but I’m not sure that’s true. He is pretty large, so it seems like he might even just eat me by accident.
Turns out, Regi doesn’t even have a mouth. Win-win for me, but for Regi? Well, he probably absorbs his energy from the sun, just like me and Superman. He would never eat me anyway, because we are best friends. I would ride on his shoulders and watch him pull continents to a more aesthetically pleasing place. Do you want to be his friend too? He stays calm, as long as you are friendly.
Gulpin – Stomach Pokémon
Height: 1′ 4″
Weight: 22.7 lbs
Gulpin was one of my favorite Pokémon when I used to play on the DS. First of all, stomach Pokémon? Amazing already! This guy would probably want to eat me, but he’s pretty small. I’m sure he’s used to eating smaller things like bugs or Wurmples. He seems pretty hungry though. I bet he would try to eat part of me, then I might explain to him that eating me is a futile idea for such a tiny little stomach. Then, we would be friends too. I might even hand him some more appropriate food to devour.
Gyarados – Atrocious Pokémon
Height: 21′ 4″
Weight: 518.1 lbs.
Gyarados is one of my favorite Pokémon from the video game as well. I love that he always has his mouth wide open, like a net ready to catch lots of little pokéfish, but usually he is just attacking. Would he eat me? I bet he would. He’s gigantic and mean and seems like he needs to eat a lot to sustain himself. Plus, I’m sure he has a lot of pent-up frustration from being a useless Magikarp for so long. Splash splash.
Wailmer – Ball Whale Pokémon
Height: 6′ 7″
Weight: 286.6 lbs
My original favorite. I first knew him from the cards, then walked for miles in Montreal to earn him on the Pokéwalker for one of my DS games. Then I lost the pedometer on the plane and never got him. A tragedy for the ages, really. It’s okay though because I collect his cards too, so there are a lot of little Wailmers around. Would he eat me? Probably not. Wailord might, but the gentle Wailmer is too happy for all that. Check out that little whale smile! He is ready for friendship, with open fins.
Meowth – Scratch Cat Pokémon
Height: 1′ 4″
Weight: 9.3 lbs
Meowth is great from the television show. I haven’t seen the entire thing, but I’ve tried, in college. He’s hilarious and hangs out with Team Rocket, who are also amazing. If they were Pokémon, they would be my favorite ones. Plus, Meowth talks! He’s way too chatty, but the talking in general is pretty impressive, as most Pokémon just chatter their own names relentlessly.
I’m not sure Meowth would ever eat me. Cats seem mean but they’re lazy and weird. However, if he did eat me, in a cartoony way, it’d be awesome. Basically me in a Meowth suit hanging out with Jesse and James.