Recently, while researching new shows that I should add to my tv spreadsheet (of all shows ever that I will watch, rate, summarize, and then, ultimately, drunkenly rant about at a party), I found the list of the 8,479 new Netflix properties coming in 2019.
It was a lot to read through, especially with all of those genre tags, but I found the best ones to share with y’all below:
Queen of Kings
David is living in the suburbs with his family and some in-laws hanging around, like King of Queens! Except David is a fabulous drag showgirl and just trying to keep the family together! The family consists of his gaggle of gays from his last gig as a bartender at the local dive. The in-laws are the two daddies down the block with the nicer house. Laugh track accompaniment.
Spend 22 minutes every week Spend 30 minutes for 20 episodes in a row all at once watching David teach his friend Jake about the finer points of applying eyelashes underneath your drag wig. Frown and fret as David goes on dates only to be disappointed constantly, because it’s a tv show and nobody is ever happy until the moment they get married. Weep in sympathy as Barry and Jerome from down the block teach David about the history of gay rights, because no gay media is complete without a lecture.
Know Your Meme: The Game Show
The sheriff of suckin u off hosts this wacky new gameshow brought to you by Netflix, the nonsense network. Contestants will line up to identify meme origins, spin-offs, and misinterpretations against the timer. Can they get the most points before they are covered in slime? That’s right! Sliming people is back.
Dog Police
A buddy cop show starring a pitbull and a chihuahua mix who are a hilarious odd couple. Daisy was raised by a family of bikers who wanted a pitbull to play with their children. She’s a no-nonsense gruff cop who doesn’t take any shit, not even from her partner, Spike. She rules the streets with an iron paw, staring down anyone who even looks her way, swinging her nightstick menacingly.
Spike was raised in a hippie commune on the outskirts of Denver, with four cats, a pig, and two frogs. Spike believes in connecting with the community, hearing out someone’s story before making assumptions, and treating people with kindness. What a wacky pair! And hopefully it will soon have a cartoonified version!
Prison Bachelorette
In this game we’ll choose ten lucky prisoners to compete over a girl chosen almost at random to be tossed into this show after being told nothing about it. They’ll have challenges and time alone so we can watch their relationships blossom and root for our favorite man. It is all a prison breakout scheme where the man who wins isn’t the one who won her heart, but rather is the only man who made it out of the high security facility. The show will result in hilarious attitude gifs and dazzling prison themed merchandise.
Just kidding. Abolish prisons.