It’s so damn hot, you guys. It’s like, really hot. I’m not saying that it’s never been hot before, and I’m not even saying it’s never been THIS hot before, but what I certainly am saying is that right now: it is really hot. Did somebody accidentally bump the sun a little closer to us on the last trip round? I’m looking at you Jupiter, you stupid piece of goddamn shit.
I’m.. I’m sorry, Jupiter, and fans of Jupiter. I didn’t mean to have an outburst. It’s just, you guys… it’s really hot right now. It’s like I’m playing the maracas underwater and every time I shake my maracas, the water gets hotter. And everybody wants to do the samba, and also everyone else has maracas too, and also everyone has a serious tremor in both hands AND ALSO the song we are all playing is “Johnny Fast-Hands Plays The Maracas Faster Than Usual.” Additionally, instead of a pool it’s a furnace fill with water, and instead of that water, there’s fire, and no maracas, and Johnny Fast-Hands’ fast hands are fused together, pock-marked by the embers and pitch black like your grandparents’ souls.
I should mention, if I haven’t already, that I live in Australia. Wait, I’ll just say so in the title and not change a thing in the text here. Australia is a place that is known for its high temperatures. As someone who has lived in Australia their whole life, I have become used to the types of temperatures and weather conditions that are typically thrown at someone who lives in Australia. Given all of this information you might think that I have decided to go back on my earlier statements about it being really hot. Don’t think I haven’t thought about it! But in the end, I decided: no. I have to commit to these words for one very simple reason: it is really hot.
Like, so hot that if I were in a volcano right now, I would probably think, “this is a lot warmer than I was before, but I definitely thought the difference would be bigger, and I bet that pretty much boils down to it being really really hot outside!” Then I would try and laugh at how I said “pretty much boils down” and then I would be dead, because of all the lava that is inside of volcanoes – it’s pretty much what makes them hot. Without lava, a volcano is just a husk of a mountain yearning to be filled. But that’s really part of a completely different article. Just for this article I would like concentrate on how hot it is in the normal, non-volcano world and let me tell you my good and sweaty friend, exactly how hot it is: pretty much very damn hot.
Now I must go and lay my head down and rest, because this heat is dragging me down into a nap I cannot refuse, like in the Godfather, in that part where they all take a nap because it is really hot outside. I don’t know how they Francis Ford Cope-ella with the heat! I’m sorry, everyone, that is a really bad joke. But my mind is scrambled and I can no longer keep things straight – I never even got a chance to mention how hot it is! Which is really, really hot by the way, oh boy. Warm to the touch indeed.