have it

Allegedly, engaging in word games, brainteasers, and various types of puzzles is a healthy activity.We love health! We love activity! It keeps your mind sharp. It staves off senility. And, most importantly, it is a nifty little diversion from all of life’s many little stresses. Some people hate crosswords, be they standard or cryptic. Other people love them! Personally, I don’t really like word searches, but I sure made one for you to do!

In fact, I decided to be a big shot today and make a fun activities page for your pleasure and benefit, because I’m nice like that. Print these out, copy them into a drawing program and do them there, do them silently, all in only your mind — whatever suits your fancy. Just have some semblance of fun and I will feel satisfied.

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So text adventures are all the rage! Okay, maybe not all the rage but we love them here at Sneer Campaign. If you don’t know what these even are, it’s like a Choose Your Own Adventure on a computer. Our friend Veeder has made some very excellent games. He’s a powerhouse of adorable and hilarious stories.  He even has one that’s made to show you how to play these sorts of games!

We’ve started to make two different ones for our hundreds of fans to get into, but we didn’t finish them because boy are they hard to complete. It requires some creative plot-twisting, know-how, and moxie. We have the moxie, at least.

plz

 

We have been pooling our ideas and do hope to follow through at some point and make a Sneer text adventure for all you people. One where you can choose what sort of adventure we get up to, running from dragons or solving a mystery, investigating cold case murders that aren’t so col after all, or even exploring ancient ruins. Will we be in outer space? Will we be time traveling? The choice will be yours!

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The other day I went down to my basement for some hot Duck Hunt action. As usual, the NES just blinked and wouldn’t let me play, like it does every time since that beautiful day it created a small carpet fire from being on for two days straight. But I really didn’t want to make the trip upstairs again, so I looked for something nearby to occupy my attention for an hour or so. After a few moments of looking around, some boxes caught my eye. Hurrah! Nothing says “fun” like random old boxes! But as I came closer, I realized that these were no ordinary spider-infested cardboard boxes. No, to my shock, these were a bunch of old board games. I figured these would require special attention, so I found the nearest rickety chair and pulled out the bottom game from the dangerous, towering stack to see what awaited me.

whoopsidoodles

When I regained consciousness, lying in a pile of little coloured houses and paper money, I found that I had stumbled on several of my very favourite board games that I owned when I was a child. I looked at them and wondered why I had ever stopped playing these cherished games of mine that I had grown so attached to before my parents gave in and bought me a Nintendo. The other kids may have mocked and ridiculed me, but the fun I had with these board games were more than enough to drown out their hurtful words. Well, most of them anyway. Looking them over, my brain filled with memories and I immediately starting playing every game I could find until I became tired and jaded — even MORE than I normally am!

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You know how when you’re bored, you spend your time browsing Kickstart projects, PetFinder cuties, and terrible pop culture products on Etsy? Well here is a new spiral to focus on while you drag yourself further and further from reality. Further from reality and closer to realty!

yessss

Sure you can check for apartments and houses you’ll never buy on Zillow or whatever local real estate company, but while we’re dreaming, let’s go big or go home, as they say. We’ve of course told you about our plans for a deli or multiple delis. Here are our new plans as of however recently we found these great listings that we want very much. Each will have a cat wandering around, we have a lot of cats to place. This plan actually all started because we were talking about how shop cats are great, and that we have too many cats, and then how if we had a store (or stores) we could technically have more cats. This then immediately led us to planning for businesses we will start and then plant our friends there so that they may grow as vast and robust as our fortunes definitely will.

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We have a lot of fears. Some make sense; others, not so much. This latter type will be featured once monthly until we run out of material, at which point, we might begin accepting the fears of our readers. 

leave ur beams outta this

Welcome to my irrational fear that makes me so uncomfortable that I have never allowed myself to think about it for very long. I wince when I consider it. Perhaps I should start with a little backstory.

When I was about seven years old, I had a series of night terrors where I would wake everyone in my family up at night because I was screaming horribly. The dream always started the same, with me being within one of five beams of light that appeared to be both moving and still, somewhat eternal or infinite I guess. But I’d be hurtling through space, then veer of towards Earth where I was suddenly me, as a child, in a weird dystopian service station somewhere. Eventually, the dream always ended when some space technology that had been harnessed and not fully understood would go haywire and there’d be repetition that was speeding up exponentially until I woke up FREAKING OUT.

I also hated (and still hate) night time windows being uncurtained because I don’t want things looking in. And also, I don’t like to look up at the night sky in case I see something I can’t explain. These things have bothered me for a really long time and there was one day in my teens that I wondered if I had been abducted, and I immediately stopped thinking about it. But by now, I worry about what if I am actually an alien and that’s why I don’t understand screaming or dancing. And why I see people in buffet lines and feel like I am observing livestock. Have I forgotten who I am and why I’m here? Have I gone totally insane, or am I just really close to it all the time? Halp.

Do you have RFD-TV? Have you ever even heard of it? It is a television station devoted to rural living and rural concerns. I know you city slickers out there just scoffed out something like, “what, so like, shows about corn and tractors?” Yes. That’s actually exactly right. Throw in a little casual gospel music and perhaps talk of quilting, and that’s it. It is a wonder of a channel, let me tell you.

Back when I was a younger sort of person, I would visit my parents, or be living with them, depending on the year or month of that time of my life, I discovered this station and its outstanding, high-quality programming. Sometimes they would speak of corn — which is more interesting than you probably are willing to believe, and sometimes they would teach you how to teach horses. That was more interesting to me, although just as relevant to my day to day existence.

they all look the same

I didn’t really have a particularly favorite show, however. RFD-TV was like that strange channel that featured snippets and clips of audio visual “art.” You would just tune in and tune out, as they say (do they say that?), as you just vacantly watched footage of fields and a rural voice speaking. But then one magical day, I caught the Big Joe Polka Show. I was infected by the RFDTV BJPS Bug!

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There’s this thing called “sledding” that people sometimes do when it gets cold enough to freeze your dog solid and a few inches of snow happens to be covering the ground. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. I’m sure many of you have even participated in it at some point in your life. Nothing beats memories of your parents dragging you to a large hill when you’re barely old enough to walk, and then pushing you off of it on a small plastic board at fantastic speeds. It’s where every good childhood scar starts.

whee

I, personally, haven’t really gone sledding much in my life which is why I am informing you on the topic. And the only reason I’d consider going now is to simply try and hurt myself and the other people I’m with as much as humanly possible — which is exactly the mindset I was in the other day when my friend, Ronnie, asked me if I felt like dying. I replied with a swift “god yes” and the deal was done.

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New Japan Pro Wrestling is the biggest wrestling company in Japan. They recently had their biggest show of the year and it led me to think about how dreamy a lot of their roster is. I thought about it a lot. There are a lot of hot guys in wrestling, but they’re not always my favorites. Personally, just being hot isn’t enough to keep me interested in your wrestling match. Wrestling is the delicious cake, a shirtless muscle guy is the wedding gown-shaped fondant sculpture. I’d rather watch an ugly guy have a good match in the twenty-by-twenty squared circle than a hot guy have a bad one.

ugmug

New Japan is special though because there are so many good wrestlers who are also good looking wrestlers. Here’s the top five best in most attractive order.

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We all know that I’m no luckier in love than I am in cards. Without realizing at first, I’ve dated abusive men, racists, actual monsters. No less than three of my boyfriends have read my conversations with Amandoll. Two have punched furniture inches away from me. One punched me.

all opinions here

But none of that is very funny, and this post isn’t about my traumatic experiences with men who later stalk me. This post is about a more important thing: red flags in dating. I’ve compiled a list of urgent details to consider when considering that special someone.

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watch out

It seems like everyone goes through a phase of life where they hit that bottle hard, and Billy Holiday is no exception to this. He has some exceptional moments, however. Some peculiarities. For instance, he prefers to become inebriated by way of classic hobo wines. He’s a “Strawberry” Cisco man, for any of you keeping track. He also gets sloshed on what I feel are strange choices, such as brandy and “appletinis.” Who are you, Billy Holiday?

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