Alan Alexander Milne was born in London in 1882. Now, he is a legend. Today would have been his birthday, so let’s celebrate!

We know there’s almost nothing worse than seeing an overweight woman in Pooh Bear sweatpants and a My Little Pony sweater bending over at the grocery store to load up with Miracle Whip, but that does not diminish the legacy of either Milne or Pooh. Cleanse your mind of the sentence you just read, and fill it with beautiful images of the gang down at Hundred Acre Wood, just chasing bees and counting clouds.

A. A. Milne and Winnie-the-Pooh by Amanda Wood

Grab your jar of hunny and join us as we review some of the interesting things about his life and his creations:

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They say that “no man is an island,” but I disagree. I think we are all capable of being islands, but because humans seem to mostly be social creatures, they seem to think that we should not be islands. According to them, it is healthiest to be part of a big land mass teeming with herd animals. But being remote and inaccessible definitely has its perks. Take it from me, a devotee to the School of Aloofness, located on Emotional Isolation Island.

Mysterious

The benefits of being a reticent character might not be obvious to the uninitiated, so allow me to explain a bit before I give you some hot tips on how to improve your life. We all love attention, don’t we? When you are a mysterious figure, you become extremely intriguing. Other people won’t stop talking about you, and you don’t even have to do a thing! Just evade a series of personal questions, and you’ll be a delicious source of speculation. Appear as though a normal social interaction is as invasive as unrelenting scrutiny, and the contrary folks around you can’t help but wonder why. Let them wonder. Let them TALK.

That satisfaction of feeling like a strangely compelling character is the #1 draw, but if I have to have MORE reasons, I guess another one is that it cuts down on having to keep any stories straight, or accidentally revealing something told to you in confidence. If you are the sort of person who feels a little stressed over such possibilities, then just become mysterious. It’s easy once you get the hang of it! Let me tell you how.

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If you’re like me, you are always on the lookout for prime real estate to create a towering fortress of death, a secluded sex laboratory, or an icy disco chamber. It’s not so easy to find such a place − the world is very large and, as you might expect, the best sites are somewhat secret. On occasion, you might stumble and fall upon a perfect mountain top or secluded island of your dreams while on exciting adventures, or while making a daring escape, but more commonly you will need to strike out alone and do things the hard way. Well, that is, until today. Because today, I am offering my services as a specialized real estate agent for the reclusive, the twisted, and the damned.

What makes me such an expert on tremendously inhospitable locations, you ask? Well, of course I have been scouring the earth on a quest to find an island suitable for my own… doings… However, a man can only be in one place at a time, so I thought perchance I could interest some of you in purchasing and settling. No, it isn’t just that I want to be able to keep tabs on you all, what a silly notion!

Islands

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A horse is a horse, of course. You can lead them to water but you may be disappointed. You shouldn’t look a gift one in the mouth, for whatever reason. Although, straight from the horse’s mouth is an ideal way to learn something. You can pee like a racehorse, or have to. There are horses of a different color. Don’t run before your horse to the market. Definitely don’t mess with the horse that was foaled of an acorn. Horse horse horse.

 

The wagon rests in winter, the sleigh in summer, the horse never.

The wind of heaven is that which blows between a horse’s ears.

Sneer Campaign Horse Playlist by Amanda Wood

Anyway, we’ve curated a horse-themed playlist below. It’s not a playlist of every song mentioning horses, but a playlist a long time in the making of some of our favorite, and some of the best, horse songs around (or, more likely, horse metaphor songs). The prevalence of pony-related songs is not because we are pre-teen girls, but because they’re fantastic. Listen with us! The playlist is below, and I recommend playing this one with shuffle!

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In one of his last acts on Earth, venerated celestial ungulate, David Bowie, materialized in the Sneer Studio on January 10th to pose for a portrait in his natural form. Known across the universe as the preeminent example of style and ethereal beauty, Mr Bowie is seen here adorned with a traditional chaplet from his home planet,  Androgeda. The cherished icon recently experienced his 69th solar year on our planet and, today, surprised us all by heading back home with little warning.

David Bowie

If you read our site often, you may see frequent references to the Marx Brothers. If you have your life going on track and you’re a good person, then you know who they are. However, it has come to our attention that some people know who they are, but have never seen their movies! Even worse, some people just don’t know who they are.

So here, friends, is an introduction to the Brothers Marx. These intros will not tell you much about the movie specifics, because you need to watch them. These movies are not about plot or character, they are about The Marx Brothers.

Marx Brothers by Amanda Wood

Since they made so many wonderful films, this is only part one of your introduction for the uninitiated. We will look at the Marx Brothers in general, and their first five feature films. I have even included clips from most of them!

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I didn’t really know much about Canadians − and I mean it’s not like I do now, before all of you proud Canadians hiss at me that I know NOTHING of Canada − until I was a tween and Kids in the Hall was aired in the late hours of the night on network television in the early 1990s. So, sooo long ago. I had been fed on a steady diet of entertainment from secret Canadians up until that point. They mask their pronunciation of “sorry” and are undetectable to us. Why are they hiding this? Would Americans be racist against them, if we knew? Well, that’s a subject for a crackpot theory article on another day, because I am here JUST to talk about one specific Kid in the Hall.

Dave Foley

Happy birthday, Dave Foley!

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It’s a new year! New years call for resolutions, but what IS a resolution and how do you set them? How do you announce them? The preferred method, of course, is to hastily write an article for a website about it because you needed to set a resolution about writing content in advance yesterday, but yesterday’s gone and dead! We have to start now! NOW!

It is important to select realistic resolutions so that you don’t feel like a loser by mid-January. So often, we resolve to achieve goals that just aren’t attainable, once our character flaws come into play (and they always do). Understand your faults, and then, rather than actively try to change yourself, just change your attitude about what it is you want out of your new life this year. I think what I want is to strengthen my ability to outsource. I shall treat my life like a successful corporation. I will get so much done via other people! The dream comes true.

resolutions 2016

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I like to think of myself as a cool customer, almost robotlike in my dealings with what life has to throw at me. Rational. Certainly not emotional. However, I have to face facts. I have to come clean with you all: I pretty much dramatically fall apart seven times a year or so. It’s part of my charm.

Luckily, I have friends who seem to never encourage me to let it all out of my system, and certainly don’t comfort me. They barely endure me, probably! Oh god.

I guess the REAL “luckily” is that this treatment often can snap me out of it somewhat, and I can distract myself with something that can become wildly profitable some day. At the very least, because of the comic below, now you know that writing goth caveman poetry is therapeutic, because doing this cured my Bout on the day this comic was made. Try it yourself sometime.

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