Getting a job in this day and age is like trying to buy a date with a celebrity at an auction: you’re surrounded by competitors both more desperate and with greater resources, the process is shady and creepy, and it’s for something that’s not all that great if you get it. There was a time when your college degree opened doors, now every Sandwich Artist has at least an MBA from an online university, if not a medieval history degree from Brown. How do you get noticed in such a market? What hope do you have to land a job on your career trajectory before you’re as old as the baby boomers who still won’t retire? Well read on, good madam or sir, for here is Sneer Campaign’s Guide to Getting Your Resume To Stand Out From The Enormous Pile In The HR Wastebasket.
Step one is to have had helicopter parents force you on a college trajectory since birth. While your loser peers were playing with toys and having birthday parties, you were practicing the zither and volunteering in burn wards. It also helps to have a frat douche dad – he’ll know what strings to pull. But not all of us have been blessed with parents who had the foresight to rob us of our childhoods in order to shoehorn us onto a white-collar career vector that we would not have necessarily chosen on our own. Here’s how to make the glut of applicants work for you.
There are a lot of methods for organizing yourself out there, especially lately. Sure, we’ve always had to-do lists and calendars and sticky notes, but now we have Bullet Journal and things like Evernote. Some people, as always, still use the Being An Adult Human and Both Remembering and Accomplishing Everything Without a Crazy List and Notebook Procedure, or The Sandy Cohen, as I like to call it.
Here at Sneer Campaign, we do not use any of those above methods. That is because we have our very own fool-proof system for organization.
Famed hammerhead-man hybrid, Benedict Cumberbatch, pleases us today by posing for a portrait. This was sent to us hastily by Amandoll, who we have not heard from since. We fear that she has been taken captive on Planet Cumber-00738.
As someone who now has belonged to subscription services for: nail polish, condiments, wine, fresh ingredients for meals, and snacks, I thought maybe I had subscribed to some pretty ridiculous ones. I figured that pretty much anything can be one of these services now, so I have created some ideas that should come true.
These subscriptions in general are addictive! Watch out: one of the above things listed is one I only signed up for while researching for this post.
Silent movies are an under-appreciated era of film history. Many people have a hard time enjoying black and white movies at all, claiming that it seems instantly “more boring,” so asking them to also try to watch something that only has ill-fitting or overwrought music for a soundtrack, and to also read dialogue cards, is an exercise in frustration and futility. People are missing so many good things!
Because I’m such a nice person, I will detail one scene in one comedy movie starring Buster Keaton in order to save you the trouble of enjoying something on your own. Do you know who Buster Keaton is, by the way? He was a slapstick comedy man who wasn’t Charlie Chaplin. That should get you started.
Today, we are watching an important scene from the Cameraman, which I confess to never having fully watched. The premise is set up in the first 30 seconds. Buster is at the public pool, intending to have a good time as one generally does at such a place. He goes in to a changing room to change clothes, and another man is also directed into the same room. Comedy ensues.
Feel free to watch along with me. The scene is only four and a half minutes long, but certainly worth it. For those of you who are not able to see it right now, I have provided a chronological timeline of noteworthy events after the link.
starring W.C. Fields
Euphuistic: (n.) any similar ornate style of writing or speaking; high-flown, periphrastic language, featuring frequent similes relating to mythological natural history and alliteration
Everyone has a point in their life where they wonder just how badly they are failing at becoming an adult. Many of us have this same point of worry multiple times in a week! This is a completely natural concern. We all also seem to eventually have a moment where we gasp, clutch at our hearts, and realize with horror that we have become our parents. Or at least, that we are getting very close to being our parents which then causes us to overreact and act like young people again but it is always pathetic because once you’ve reached a certain point of growing up, you can’t go back and oh god it makes me sick all of the time lost hold on I have to go hyperventilate into a brown paper bag.
Now you might be thinking to yourselves, you might even be shouting at your computer screens, “Amandoll, what would you of all people know about growing up? Look at you. You have never worked, you aren’t married, you never want kids, you’ve never even driven a car. Do you know what else you don’t have? You don’t have a bank account. You don’t even qualify as a thirteen year old most of the time, honestly. God. What good ARE you??”
WELL LISTEN, I may not have, like, practical experience on this matter, but I insist that I am very good at making observations and then taking these observations and creating threads of words with them that I can then pretend make good article topics for articles that need to be written as soon as possible because my goodness it is any day of the week already and I need more content all the time more more! Also I am pretty okay at crafting run on sentences of pure excellence today. It is my gift to you all.
The saying “the best things in life are free” is barely true, but true nonetheless. I mean, come on. But there are indeed great things that are free, such as sunshine, stretching, cats, sneers, and freemium apps. There is also friendship. For me, one of the best things in life is Amandoll.
We have a lot of things in common, or possibly most things. Here are some things that are unique to Amandoll and also great: drawing talent, belly dancing, childhood ponies, eating healthy, exercise, ferrets, Cincinnati, buttermilk, and ME. She is the sprinkles on my donut, the sour cream on my taco. Amandoll is the scissors to my paper doll, and so I have made her one.
Our favorite moody siren from the silver screen is back again in comic form! Today, she is Greta Garbfield, a wistful and somber cat who has much to say about the nature of her life. Yes, these are real quotes from the historical Garbo, untampered with, and as true today as they ever were.
Enjoy the comic. And click it for the real size, if you are so inclined.
Pyramidology claims that pyramids can have many beneficial affects upon people, using Mystical Pyramid Forces and also possibly Ancient Aliens. Problem is, you have to pay $29.95 for the book, AND THEN get abducted by aliens, escape the Probing Chamber, steal their Harmony Crystal Pyramid power source, and then make it to the escape pods before the saucer crashes into Roswell. Fortunately, I am here to tell you their secretive pyramid secrets, and how to use a pyramid here on Earth to achieve some popular Pyramid Tasks!
As usual, click to make it larger.