Sleeping Yourself Better

get em tiger

Sleeping is a magical world of dreams and rest, but it sure does take up a lot of time! Ideally, you should be getting seven to nine hours of sleep per night, but some you true go-getters out there might writhe in discomfort to imagine spending so much time in bed instead of working or learning or whatever productive things you like to do. “I can sleep when I’m DEAD,” you dramatically scream in between swigs of coffee and other stimulants, as you read more, work harder, exercise more healthfully, etc.

Well, you can’t exactly work while in bed, unless you’re awake at the same time, obviously. You know what I mean. But you can learn while you sleep! Allegedly. And heal in ways that maybe you never anticipated, also allegedly. God knows I have been lured in by the glamour of multi-tasking sleep and bettering myself beyond the beauty rest I crave. Has it worked? Who knows! But here are some of the YouTube Sleepytime University courses I have taken over the years, on nights when I am not sleep watching cartoons or sleep listening to soothing ambient sounds.

Smartypantzzz

Nevermind sleeping to the beautiful ramblings of smartos from the past, or brilliant minds of the now, or even TED Talks about whatever. I’m not talkin’ ’bout sleeping through lectures as though you were in an actual school setting! Everyone knows that that doesn’t work at all. However, there are all of these youtubes made by people with as many credentials as you or me designed, somehow, to condition your brain to be more receptive to learning, or even to somehow give your memory retention a boost. As you sleep, a combination of tones and softly spoken words prepare your brain for washing and hypnosis, so that you can be a better person. And hey, if it doesn’t work at all, what do you care? You were sleeping anyway!

 

You Are Good Enough to Have Good Self Esteem

Boohoo, do you feel like no one likes you or that you are undeserving of affection from others?  Do you think you are fat and ugly and unworthy of a good life? Well, maybe you should set it up so that after you cry yourself to sleep, your sad brain can absorb the tones and softly spoken words of youtubes on offer from people who want to be kind to strangers. They probably know what it is like to struggle with the self, and are providing a service for free that might make you feel better, somehow. Maybe the sentiment that you ARE good enough for the world will become lodged in the deepest recesses of your mind and change everything? It could only hurt to try if you decide that it not-working means that you are stupid and fated to be terrible forever. Don’t be like that, dummy.

 

Sleeping for the Future

Who doesn’t want a bright future filled with happiness, wealth, and/or good luck? Pretty much any sort of thing you want to happen, just search “sleep hypnosis for” or “binaural tones for” and let autofill do the rest. Or try whatever you actually want. And here’s an idea, you could make a youtube channel that supplies the need for a sleep hypnosis video for anything you can’t find, IF anything is left. Through a subtle blend of tones and maybe softly spoken words, magicians on youtube cast spells of good fortune that will influence your life in positive ways. I cannot imagine how this couldn’t work, so I encourage you to do this every night until you get that perfect spouse, job promotion, or pile of gold bullion. Some of these make me instantly laugh, by the way — CONFESSION: I don’t actually listen to the ones I am linking to you because I don’t want you to steal my secrets to success!!! Or, more honestly, I have never listened to the same thing twice and I have never taken down the urls to them, so I am just searching for relevant things as I write this. And laughing:

 

Lucid Dreaming

As mentioned before, lucid dreams are the goal of many dreamists and sleep-havers. Luckily, there are youtubes built by youtube sleep shamans that employ tones and beats which are scientifically designed to stimulate parts of the dreaming brain so that you dream better, and more lucidly. How does it work? No one can know. Whose science is designing it? Maybe it is universal science, or maybe it is not. Has it worked for anyone? I will assume so! I am not a youtube sleep shaman, so if it does work, I will just go with it and meet with the great subconscious mind within. Life might not improve, but maybe I will have an anecdote to tell some day.

 

Astral Projection 

Is astral projection real? Who knows! Maybe some day I will find out simply because I have slept to a youtube video designed to make my astral body realize that it can come and go when it pleases. I suppose ideally you are supposed to be meditating and not sleeping, because how else are you going to know that you aren’t just dreaming that you have astral projected? There are whole books, and a lot of them, on the practice of astral projection and I haven’t read even one, so that’s how much I know about this endeavor. Can you get back in after you’re out? What even is the astral body supposed to be? Is that the thing that tries to escape when you sneeze? Maybe I will find the right youtube and wake up with this knowledge one morning.

(“Extended Relaxation to Release Astral Self” made me lol. I’m not ready for this responsibility.)

 

Hup Hup Strengthen That Aura

I am not sure if the astral form is the same thing as your “aura,” so I have made it into its own section. The aura is a band of light or colors that surrounds your physical body. It is associated with some kinds of strength, maybe even physical strength. Oh, maybe your body chakras emit the aura? And that’s why it is colorful? Maybe it has to do with an absence of sickness. I don’t know because I am not a human Psychic Fair walking around with esoteric knowledge. Whatever it is, there are these videos which self-taught people have produced to heal your sickly gross auras which have probably gone a whole lifetime with nothing but neglect! While you sleep, these tones and maybe even a guided meditation will encourage your aura to grow and brighten and turn you into a white-hot superstar in the show that stars you and only you. What benefits will you get? A good night’s sleep, presumably, and with it, better health and better self esteem. A strong aura will make your teeth whiter and your skin clearer, I like to believe. And if that’s what I like to believe, then just go ahead and let me. I haven’t tried treating a common cold with a youtube aura video so someone go ahead and do that and tell me what happens.

 

Getting Healthier Cell by Cell

Mysteriously, there are a hundred billion youtubes of voices, singing bowls, tones, and so on which boldly claim that they have healing powers. There are probably ones that treat specific diseases, but I have never bothered to research that and I don’t intend to begin now — not even for this article! If they exist, I would assume that you’ll be parting with money somehow. Just see a doctor. Meanwhile, I have stumbled upon PLENTY that purport that they heal your physical body cell by cell. Can this be proven to be true? Sure! Go into a deep trance and interview your cells. Ask them if they appreciate that you are seeking out videos on the internet which nourish them individually. Everything likes being treated on an individual basis, so you’ll look shiny and new in no time flat. The special tones and musical notes used in these videos are probably based on 4000 years of ancient medicine, or were spoken to the youtube people in whispers from the nature spirits while they were on an ayahuasca journey of the mind — if we’re lucky. I just realized that Dr. Webmd dot com seems so much more trustworthy than Dr. YouTube but that sure isn’t going to stop me from sleeping to these!

Hold onto your booties, we have a miracle tone trapped in the youtube video waiting to heal your DNA, ears first! Enjoy. Benefit. Sleep well. Smoochsmooch. xoxo

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