Sneer Professional Guide to Gambling

Gambling, huh? It’s confusing and there are so many games. But I am here to help. As the descendant of the author of Playboy’s Book of Games, I feel that I have a special connection to this topic and therefore will be an expert without ever necessarily having played the games.

Win a Slot by Amanda Wood for Vegas Week

Because of that special connection I have created this handy guide for you!

 

Roulette

Seems easy huh? I mean there’s no skill involved you might as well try it?

 

Craps

Haha I don’t know. They play this on sitcoms a lot!

 

Poker

There are two steps to playing poker:

  1. Be very good at poker
  2. Already have a lot of money

 

Blackjack

Ah this game I am very familiar with. One of the first books I edited was about how to play blackjack, so I know for sure that people say words like “hit” and “stay” and the number 21 is definitely part of the game.

 

Baccarat

This game is in the James Bond books! That’s all I got. Sorry, old-timey game.

 

Slot Machines

OMG! KIttens Slot Machine

I hear that some people call them fruities. I have been playing slots since I was a wee child, on a computer with fake money. I had software called 100 Slots and it seemed like so many choices! I don’t remember many of them at all, except a racing one that seemed very elaborate and you would definitely never actually see it in a casino.

So what do they have? Vaguely racist games, dozens of games about buffalo, lots of barnyard-themed machines, and plenty of dragons, tigers, and even more buffalo. There were also a lot of pop culture machines, including Game of Thrones, The Big Bang Theory, and The Walking Dead.

Circus Clown Slot Machine

Here’s how to play: find the funniest, coolest, most interesting, or loudest machine. Whatever you want! Then: lose your money. Here are some of the machines (all penny slots, so anywhere from 9 to 50 cents per pull) we played during Vegas Week and how it went:

  • Dolly Parton: won barely
  • Flintstones: lost instantly, no bonuses, no fun
  • Kitty Glitter: mom’s favorite, but she lost
  • Ghostbusters: Amandoll lost
  • Mr. Cashman: treated AlexT right
  • Pirates: mom won over $50!
  • Alice in Wonderland: sister won almost $100!
  • some random machine: underage niece won $50 while I was being denied a legal drink

Pets Slot Machine

The most entertaining machines turned out to be some at which we did not win anything, and in fact lost:

  • The Dolly is also a jukebox! You can change the songs while you play and then just dance in your seat while your money slides away.
  • Batgirl and Catwoman had a very cute vintage looking machine. If you won or stopped playing, it would show clips of the old live-action show where they kicked butt.
  • Britney Spears was hilarious. Do you think she knows the machine exists?

A Casino

And that’s how you gamble! Oh and don’t forget, the house always wins!

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