Communities and cultures both small and large develop their own habits and traits. Along with their stories and traditions, superstitions tend to emerge. We are no different, of course.
When we say, “let’s post before 2 pm” it becomes almost inevitable that anything after that won’t get published until around 11:30 pm. We have to assume that any time we recruit a new writer, they will immediately get writer’s block for a few months or so. And god forbid you start your day by saying your Sneer work will be “easy.”
Books are extremely important to us. They are sacred objects that we tend to collect. We have new bookshelves expertly installed so that we can display our book collections proudly. Any subject! Any quality!
- If you drop a book on the ground outside, you will end up buying five more books. If you drop one inside, your wallet will be hit with just one more book.
- If you lose a borrowed book, you are destined to lose three of your own.
- If you keep a book propped open with a heavy object or instead of using a bookmark, thereby breaking the spine to some degree, you will be cursed with bad luck until you do enough good deeds to make up for it.
If you commit the grave sin of using a curse word directed at someone, Mr. Rogers will haunt you gently and let you know that hurting someone’s feelings isn’t the way to go, but that he is still proud of you for everything you’ve accomplished, and for all the good that you have in your heart.
We also worry that if we use one swear against a person, maliciously, that they might turn around and curse at us tenfold. Sticks and stones might break our bones, but getting cussed still hurts. Ouch.
Another Day in Paradise
If you wake up in the Sneer HQ and don’t immediately, sincerely say aloud, “ahhhh, another day in paradise” you will be beset with one trivial annoyance after another. Maybe a water bug will be found on the floor. Maybe a utility will be turned off for a few hours. Maybe you will stub your toe on one of the many end tables. Maybe all of these things and more, depending on how ungrateful you are by not being audibly glad to be here! The house has ears.
Have you heard the tale of the boy of a thousand tears? He was born in the seventies, but luck befell him as if he were put here by the devil himself. When he stepped outside, the rain would start to fall, and when he stepped back in, the power would go out. If he dared to venture to a store, a series of befuddling confrontations and accidents would follow.
We all know of chain letters, popularized for many of us with the internet age. Well-meaning and gullible friends or relatives would forward emails your way warning you of certain dangers or regaling you with tragic stories. The kicker was that this tragedy would befall you too, should you not forward this email to ten of your friends right away.
Our chain letter superstition differs slightly, in that if you forward them to a single person, you will die. We will make sure of it!
Cats and Kittens
We have a few superstitions regarding out cats, as they seem to take up so much of our time. They are mysterious, like the weather must have been for early tribal people. Why do they do the things they do? We are at their mercy.
- Cats are always underfoot. It’s annoying for everyone involved, but there are deeper consequences. Every time you accidentally step on one of those furry paws and hear that angry cat scream, you’ll have bad luck for seven minutes.
- If a tabbycat sits on your torso, you will eat too much that day.
- On the other hand, if you are more than thirty minutes late with din-din, you will not be able to pet any cats you see for the rest of the day.
- If you breathe in a cat hair tumbleweed, you will receive ill news within three days.
Sneer Campaign Dot Com
If you Like a post on social media without visiting Sneer Campaign and reading it not only will you be missing out on a pleasant little diversion, you will be cursed with weird Facebook loading problems for a week.
If you read a post on Sneer Campaign and enjoy it without liking or sharing it on social media, your Facebook account will become vulnerable to hacking in the next 21 days.
Many things in our lives could cause insanity. It is a demon fear which plagues us every step of the way.
- If you stare into a mirror for too long, day or night, you will finally see something happen that you never wanted to see.
- If you so much as even mention “aliens” or “ghosts” out loud, either by saying you believe in them or don’t, they will come to haunt or abduct you as soon as possible.
- Listening to any “8 Hour + YouTube” that cchris sends you puts you at risk of being sent into a spiraling psychological breakdown.
- If you don’t at least try to get a few answers on a cryptic crossword puzzle every single day, you will feel yourself losing two brain cells for every one you have struggled to gain.
- If you watch Felix the Cat three times in a row, you will be permanently transported to the frightening Kingdom of Oriana. Felix will not join you there, he’s had enough.