There’s this thing called “sledding” that people sometimes do when it gets cold enough to freeze your dog solid and a few inches of snow happens to be covering the ground. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. I’m sure many of you have even participated in it at some point in your life. Nothing beats memories of your parents dragging you to a large hill when you’re barely old enough to walk, and then pushing you off of it on a small plastic board at fantastic speeds. It’s where every good childhood scar starts.

whee

I, personally, haven’t really gone sledding much in my life which is why I am informing you on the topic. And the only reason I’d consider going now is to simply try and hurt myself and the other people I’m with as much as humanly possible — which is exactly the mindset I was in the other day when my friend, Ronnie, asked me if I felt like dying. I replied with a swift “god yes” and the deal was done.

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Dear Readers: As we know now, the history of our modern world can be divided into two segments, Before Pokémon Go and After Pokémon Go. This post by our newest fabulous guest writer, Justice Jane, was written B.P.G. if you are wondering why it still explains why people might run around playing an augmented reality game. This post is about Ingress, the beloved predecessor of Pokémon Go. Our apologies to Ms. Justice for not also posting it B.P.G.

I started playing Ingress maybe a month or two ago, after several prompts from my boyfriend, an avid player of the game. He picked a team for me, set me up, and never, for a moment, thought that I would actually start playing. To his surprise, I did, perhaps out of boredom, or perhaps out of that sheer determination that appears out of nowhere when someone you love doesn’t think you’ll do something. To my surprise, I enjoyed the game. It’s cool, really. You get to feel a bit like a spy, and walk around a lot outdoors while only minorly feeling like you’re wasting your life. No more than usual, in my case.

After a month or two of playing, I was informed of a big event the organisers of the game were hosting in Sydney. Apparently it was called an Anomaly, and such events happened around the world on a regular basis. Being based in Adelaide, Sydney is a fair plane trip away, but not far from doable. I thought about it, but then, given that I had a trip planned to Sydney a mere 3 weeks after the Anomaly was set to happen, I passed up on the opportunity. My plans were changed when someone offered up a free plane ticket. I am known amongst my friends and associates as the type who has trouble passing up anything free, much less a plane ticket to Sydney. I thought about it for about twenty seconds, before putting up my hand, shrugging my shoulders and deciding that I was going.

Justice Jane at Ingress Event

photo by Michael Deegan

 

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It’s ANY DAY OF THE WEEK and without a doubt every single person who might ever read this DEFINITELY needs to get fit, fast! Faster! Any minute of the day is the right time to inform you that you are blubbery and unsightly and obviously need to start exercising because, honey, that portion control diet that relies on self-control just AIN’T workin’ for you. At least, this is what I have gleaned from watching any television, seeing any magazine, or overhearing anyone trying to make money at the expense of the insecurities of others. And who isn’t, amirite? 

Well let me tell you that THIS article CAN’T fail. It’s my very own method towards a better me, and friends, if I use it, then it HAS to be good. It is also probably based on science because I am wearing a lab coat as I write this. And my name tag says “Dr. Amandoll, nutritionology fitness expert.” It’s not like I do anything else but sit around and THINK all the time, right? So I clearly have all the answers. I think that’s all it takes to make me Qualified, right? Right? Well, if you believe it, it’s good enough for me, and let’s never bring the Courts into it.

exercise

 

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Inspiration comes from many sources, and can strike at any time. Yes. I have drawn inspiration from a humorous Internet meme. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t even mean to see it! But I caught a glimpse of Axl Rose looking obese and sweaty, with that popular song lyric changed to “welcome to the jungle, we’ve got tons of cake,” and much like Axl, I found I wanted more!

Cheap shots against the fat such as Axl Rolls are easy to make and a dime a dozen, and really if we are being honest, so easy as to not even be funny. Is he fat because he sad eats? The side effects of medicine? The after effects of drug addiction? Is he okay? Will anyone ever ask him? Does anyone care? See? That’s all sad enough to almost cause me to sad eat, too! Instead, I’ve taken the high road, so difficult and twisty. I have burned many calories by thinking of alternate lyrics for the complete song! I worked up a sweat by feverishly drawing out these lyrics until I developed a sport injury in my arm. I have also worked up an appetite and I know what I’ll be singing in my head any time I eat for a long while now.

Please, if you need a more generous portion of the image below, click that thing. It gets bigger, just like all of our waist sizes as we age.

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I love Pokémon. Primarily, I have played the card game (TCG), but in the past I have made a half-hearted attempt at the GameBoy games as well. I never got very far in those, although I have done okay enough casually at the card game. Here is an unordered list of some of my favorite types of Pokémon and how likely each one of them is to devour me in spite of my love.

Regigigas – Colossal Pokémon

Height: 12′ 2″

Weight: 925.9 lbs

No. 486

Regigigas is my favorite Pokémon to play cards with. He is big and strong and has a lot of big and strong friends, like Regirock, Registeel, and Regice. Plus, he’s super cool, and he pulls continents around. For some reason, I always thought of him as an herbivore, but I’m not sure that’s true. He is pretty large, so it seems like he might even just eat me by accident.

Turns out, Regi doesn’t even have a mouth. Win-win for me, but for Regi? Well, he probably absorbs his energy from the sun, just like me and Superman. He would never eat me anyway, because we are best friends. I would ride on his shoulders and watch him pull continents to a more aesthetically pleasing place. Do you want to be his friend too? He stays calm, as long as you are friendly.

Regigigas & Dollissa by Amanda Wood

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From time to time, I lose my mind and become convinced that I drink too much coffee. I know people are always doing some sort of martyred brag-lamentation about the truly colossal amounts of coffee that they drink in a day, but I’m not one of those. I drink very small amounts of coffee, only two to four cups a day, but I drink it EVERY day. Sometimes I notice that if my coffeedrink routine gets messed up, my personality takes a turn for the worse. Sometimes when I notice that, I become indignant! How dare coffee treat me like that! So then I resolve to show it a thing or two about dependency and I quit it.

I have heard of people quitting all of caffeine, but I have never done that. I just sometimes quit drinking coffee but then switch off to heroic amounts of tea. As great as tea is, it never seems to be a good replacement for the coffee caffeine that my body apparently has grown to need. Tea is there for drinking after the coffee has been finished for the day. Therefore, I have probably not even experienced actual caffeine withdrawal to the fullest extent. Even so, once when I quit only-coffee for two weeks, I had a seven day long headache that did not respond to medication, as well as feelings of impending death that lasted for the same length of time.

Maybe you have been thinking that you could use a break from coffee? Perhaps you are like me, and resent that you are apparently HOOKED. Perhaps you would like to prove to yourself and your coffee that you can stop any time you want. As a seasoned veteran of quitting the bitter bean, I am here to help you. Quick! Take my tremoring hand as I take you down the dark and frightening path to potentially healthier living!

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