Reigning megastar of the universe, Beyoncé, Queen of the World, fluttered into the Sneer Art Studio today in order to be drawn in her natural form today. While effortlessly shifting from one pristine, awe-inspiring pose to another, she casually spoke a monologue stream of opinions about the state of the cosmos, her family, and most importantly: her image. It is our pleasure to announce to you that she resents being likened to a Queen Bee and that her fans are part of a “Bey Hive,” for really, as you can see, she is a long-legged owl who dances across the sky by night.
Beloved leather-crafted leading man, Daniel Craig, took time away from posing as a serious actor of note to sit for a portrait in his natural form today. The result of a love between his father, a catcher’s mitt, and his mother, a traditional sugar bowl belonging to a respectable dish set, Mr. Craig is Hollywood’s only leather dish heart throb. Soon, his bodyhead will be reattached to his tuxedo clad, unusually muscular human body in order to once more play the part of James Bond, a role he claimed to never want to portray again.
On April 5, 1908, little Ruth E. Davis was born in Massachusetts. Always strong-willed and determined, she eventually became a great actress in many classic films and even on stage. She is iconic, an inspiration. Her self-esteem is its own legend and her willingness to be forthright and not at all shy about voicing unpopular opinions must have been very liberating. She’s our chosen face of Sneer Campaign, and we reference her in our daily lives as much as we can.
This brings us to this day, one of the most important religious holidays for us. Although celebrated around the world, the suggested activities are somewhat new and traditions are still being formed for St. Bette Day. However, there are some things that are always appropriate. You can do one of these, or do them all in a whirlwind that other people will have to remember for you because you’ll be having too much fun. You’ll have to just remember April 6th, the Day of the Strangely Satisfying Hangover. No regrets!
Where do I start, as usual? Your range of work not only amazes me but confuses me. As a child watching Sister Act, no part of me expected you’d be one of my most favorite actresses and voice actors of all time. Of all time! FOREVER.
It’s truly outrageous that your very first role did not launch you into blissful fame. There were some small parts that I’m sure you owned with all your glorious talent, sass, and wacky grace. You blossomed from Sister Mary Patrick to Peggy Hill and beyond.
Steven Tyler, influential rock musician, took time out of his busy schedule so that he could be illustrated in his true form. Mr. Tyler was once a loose assortment of mop pieces and shreds of scarf, but he wound himself together into a stage presence that has become iconic. Throughout the years, fame and fortune have allowed him to continually add to his layers of fabric, but he has never seen the inside of a mop bucket. All of his dust and grime has been earned by his antics in one of the biggest musical acts in history. Possessed by the pure spirit of Rock n’ Roll, this mop man shows no sign of slowing down.
Anyone who knows anything about Marilyn Monroe is probably aware that she was insecure, tormented by fame, and battling addictions that were rooted in an unhappy childhood and an unhappy adulthood. A classic tale, was she, of the sorrows and stresses of the Hollywood Machine. If you didn’t know that, now you do. She probably had actual clinical depression, and mental illness is no laughing matter, but as I read through her various quotes the other day, I couldn’t help but notice that she said some pretty sad things! My heart went “boohoo” as I saw her pleas for help which I can only assume went ignored. She had to be the Blonde Bombshell when, had she been a pretty young thing any time after the 1980s, she could have been a goth-punk, a Suicide Girl, or a generic mall goth. Instead of quotes immortalized on imdb, her quotes could have been unseen on deadjournal, or carved into the skin of her own tummy and shown only to her myspace friends. Marilyn Monroe might have suffered so much because she felt out of place in every way, yearning for a subculture that didn’t exist, and then she was taken from the world far too young.
Angelina Jolie took a break from rescuing unfortunate children and defending the world from injustice today in order to have her portrait done in her true form. Clad in a casual embellished floor-length strapless gown, Ms. Jolie clearly felt at ease while sitting for us at Sneer Studio. Her skull horns curve gracefully and her lips billow in the supernatural breeze that surrounds her at all times. She has lately been busying herself with family life, feeding from the souls of the children she has clustered around her, and brandishing a fiery sword at former partner, Brad Pitt, while shrieking her banshee wail.
Born December 12, 1915, Frank Sinatra was a heroic figure of Hoboken virtues — particularly manliness and civic virtue. Most often, he is known as a singer and movie actor, but around my home town, he is best known as the founder Cincinnati, Ohio. It is not a widely known fact beyond this region, but the city was originally known as Sinsinatra and we were raised to revere his uprightness and strength of character.
In the 1960s, when it seemed that his stardom was losing its luster and that he would wind up being a penniless tragedy, the city he once called his kingdom distanced itself from him and renamed itself to Cincinnati, pretending that it had ties to ancient Rome somehow, for some reason. Of course, this angered Sinatra and he went on to build Las Vegas, known affectionately as Sin(atra) City, and he sure showed us by becoming the icon he is today, eternal and universal in all ways.
Still, there are statues that remain around town, and here is my humble sketch of the most prominent one. It is Sinatra wearing his classic tunic and fedora combo, in honor of his keen sense of style. He is holding out an ax wrapped in fine Cuban cigars and bound in what appears to be some skinny fashion neck ties, indicating his dislike of chopping timber and his love of cigars and finery. He is standing in front of a plow of some kind, a symbol of his love of fresh farm foods.
Steven Tyler, legendary rock musician, took time out of his busy schedule for us to illustrate him in his true form. Originally hailing from the mysterious seas around Fiji, Mr. Tyler one of the few, but not only, mummified remains of a monkey and fish sewn together who has made a success for himself in the business. Today, he is adorned in plentiful accessories and many, many fashion scarves which remind him of the fashion seaweed of his underwater home reef. Having been around since the 1840s, the famed frontman of Aerosmith claims to be interested in eventual retirement in order to return to the South Pacific and finally rest.
Nursery rhymes are a staple for most of us as we grow up. They are age-old classics from yester-century, usually, with some modernizations and updates so that we aren’t teaching children about drowning kittens in wells like it’s just a thing boys happen to do, so here’s a cute little rhyme about it. Or, oh here’s some nightmare fodder about the clumsy egg man who died.
It seems that Mother Goose lived sometime in the 1800s, made a collection of poems for children, and that was that. No one ever tried again because why mess with perfection, I assume they thought. Well except for modern day poets such as Andrew Dice Clay, who I understand modernized nursery rhymes in a more ribald sense. But that is of no use to anyone, anymore.
Luckily for us all, we at the Sneer Campaign have unearthed some “new” versions of beloved nursery rhymes, which the sophisticated children of the 1920s and 1930s enjoyed and learned from. Their lessons were timeless and universal, so children of today will benefit just as well. In fact, the children of today will benefit even more because modern kids have not a lick of urbanity or savoir-faire. So have their nannies and au pairs strap them down and force them to recite these poems. It builds the right kind of character that the world desperately needs!