Crystals are all the rage right now. People are lauding their mystical healing powers, imbued from sacred vibrations in sync with the Sacred Earth Mother homeopathic chakra feng shui. Or something. You can understand why, when a hunk of quartz is $7.25 at your local Crystal Emporium and Mud Spa whereas actual medical treatment in the United States is $1850 just for them to print and send you the bill. It’s easy to see the appeal of eating a fistful of quinoa, taping a garnet to your forehead and hoping for the best.

That is not to say that the healing powers of crystals are devoid of merit. I’ve done some research, and while I’ve found countless sources telling you WHAT each kind of crystal or stone is good for, there’s very little documentation on HOW to use them to best effect. It’s hard to find a reliable druid in this day and age.

Once again, Sneer Campaign is here to help. I have tirelessly scoured the internet, head shops, rock shows, Burning Man-type peyote appropriations, and exactly one florist. Presented here is the Sneer Campaign Guide to Optimal Crystal Implementation.

ommmm

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Ordinarily it is a fact that you “get what you pay for” − but not on the Sneer Campaign! We do love to give you quality art that is guaranteed to work, however it’s supposed to work. Usually it is a coloring page, but today you get some nice cards to print out at your leisure. The only thing it will cost you is in printer ink. Or possibly in an entire printer because they have been making it so that it is cheaper to buy a new printer than to buy an ink cartridge. Save those angry letters for the printer manufacturers! We are here to get you and another a sense of relief and satisfaction and — dare we say it? Miraculous and immediate cures. We will, ourselves, be testing each and every one of these out on Daniel Haun, who is still battling his monster of an ailment to varying degrees in various ways.

get well forever

Actually we will cater to the millennials who are banding together to kill the printer industry, and allow you to just do the ol’ right-click and copy image url, or save the image, if you want, AS WELL AS an option to print out a paper card which you can then write inside of. We will even give you some possible sentiments to scrawl inside of them with your lunatic writing. This is how much we care about you and sentiments.

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catz

Hello, I’m Amandoll and today we’re here to honor the world’s favorite miscellaneous underappreciated humor site on the internet, the one you are on right now: the Sneer Campaign. Maybe you’ll see long lost footage, never before seen material unless you follow us on Facebook, and references to your favorite articles. I really don’t know how this is going to turn out because who plans what they’re going to say? Apparently not me! So strap on your safety belts, readers, so that your pants don’t fly off with all of the excitement!

Sneer Campaign began as a brainchild of Dollissa and me, with reluctant support from cchris. We have told this story before, and probably a lot of what I’m about to say in the rest of this article, but sadly I don’t have all 499 other articles posted at this time memorized. This is a clip show anyway, so you didn’t come here expecting all fresh material. BUT how did three people from different parts of the world meet in the first place, you ask? Why, through the magic of Fate and the Internet, of course!

 

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There is no love quite like the love of a pet. They’re always there for us, when we’re sick, sad, or lonely. They’ll play with us and keep us company. They are therapists and confidants, best friends and playmates. Unconditional love for a small adoption fee.

When I was about seventeen, my neighbors adopted a kitten for their daughter and named him Samson. Children can be fickle creatures, and it turned out that their daughter wasn’t hugely interested in having a cat, so Samson was pretty much left to his own devices.

He was a longhair, mostly blue-gray, but with a white patch on his chin down to his tummy, and on the tips of his paws. He had beautiful, piercing green eyes.

samson

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Marketing has always had a pronounced gender divide. Look at an ad for, say, laundry detergent; You never see Dad sorting the whites and colors, it’s always Mom doing the chores while Dad sits on the couch trying to lick the last of the cheese dip from the bottom of the jar. To market to men, all you need is a mixture of diamondplate, sports, and aggression. Marketing both builds and reinforces gender stereotypes. Live up to the standard of masculinity or lose your “man card.” Masculinity is very fragile, and can go away at any moment if you can’t name at least three starting quarterbacks for the NFL. It’s stupid, demeaning, ugly, and it’s time I cashed in.

Fidget spinners are all the rage right now. Originally invented as an aid for children and adults with conditions like anxiety and ADHD, it’s now caught on in the mainstream, so now it’s dismissed as a toy so the people who need them look foolish for taking advantage of them. Once again, it’s time to cash in. Every product, from hygiene to TV dinners, has a version “FOR MEN,” and it’s time fidget spinners caught up. This fad has a shelf life, after all. So now, in the interests of cashing in on fads and upholding the masculine standard, Sneer Campaign presents FIDGET TOYS FOR MEN.

grunt

 

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You’ve seen him. You’ve heard him bray about his “donkey sauce.” He is festooned with odd colors and odder compulsions. He is Donald Trump, 45th President of the United States.

No! Trump is merely orange. I speak of Food Network darling Guy Fieri, guilty of abetting more crimes against calories than every Subway restaurant put together.

guy is oily

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When I was a young lad, I was afraid of one of my uncles. I was never around him, seldom saw him, but I knew he was a monster. I knew from how the other adults spoke of him. Not of his misdeeds, of which there were many, but the word they used for him, in hushed tones. “Manic-Depressive.”

Mental illness runs in my family.

Both of my parents have been in mental hospitals. An aunt on each side has unspecified “problems.” My brother has crippling anxiety. Suicides crop up here and there. Always whispered about. Always hidden. Always stigma.

World Bipolar Day by Amanda Wood

I have bipolar disorder. Approximately 2-7 percent of the US population over 18 does. They have to estimate because so many people hide it, try to drink it away, or are lost to suicide. More are men than women, because thanks to stigma, those who seek help are seen as weak. Bipolar disorder is diagnosed in 5.7 million Americans. Roughly half of us will attempt suicide at least once. Of those who do, a third will ultimately succeed. Almost a million Americans alone. Mental illness is real, and it is lethal.

 

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You can feel it in the air, can’t you? The tension. The nervousness. The sheer pinkness of it, reaching for you. Yes, another Valentine’s day has come for us poor wretches.

really really real

VD is a complete train wreck of a holiday. It seeks to make us insecure about ourselves, our significant others, and the validity of our own emotions. This is, in part, because love is a nebulous and confusing thing. Everyone wants it, but few people ever really get it, because no one has any idea what they’re looking for. What do you think of when you think of “love?” Several images probably flashed through your mind; many of them no doubt scenes from romantic movies. And if any of those scenes involved Meg Ryan, just go kill yourself now and spare yourself some bitter disappointment.

 

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gift card

There are some who say that gift-giving is a dying art. There was a time once when gift selection was a thoughtful process of deciding upon a gift that reflects both the giver and its recipient, when the giver sought something that the recipient would want but would be unlikely to buy himself.

There was also a time when we lived in caves and drew stick figures on the walls.

Yes, now we live in what historians will one day call Modern Times, what with the cable TV and the “World Wide Internet” and the spray cheese and the downsizing and the Taco Bell and the one hit wonder and the female impersonators and the Lincoln Town Cars and the Wal-Marts and the African skin cults and the Bimini Road and the wild packs of Mole People from Far Ends of Time now roaming the earth. We don’t have time to give that much thought to others; we have a hair appointment at four o’clock!

 

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As we sat around the figurative sneer round table, counting all the reasons we are thankful, it dawned upon us that the source of many of our blessings is the one and only Dollissa, co-founder of this site. But who or what IS Dollissa? What function does she provide in our group dynamic? Quite simply, she is the living embodiment of charm, beauty, nature, human creativity, and charity. She is all three of the Graces of ancient mythology, and sometimes more than that!

What has she given us lately? Say, in the past twelve months?

  • Food
  • Liquid, life-saving nourishment that is easy to digest
  • Inspiration to go on another day
  • A whole house
  • Tickets for traveling
  • Cropped pictures of cat feet
  • Charitable donations that benefit the world
  • Jewelbots
  • Billion dollar ideas
  • Exposure to new music
  • A gambling habit
  • Memories
  • Sound financial advice
  • Quality content
  • Another year of the sneer campaign
  • Coffees
  • Free cat hair
  • Polaroid camera
  • Friendship
  • Information on any episode of any tv show
  • Hope
  • Real fly shoes
  • Conversation
  • Ten thousand laughs every week
  • Understanding
  • Acceptance
  • And a lot more but I’m running late

So thanks, Dollissa! Thanks a WHOLE BUNCH. Here’s a depiction of you in your true form as a gift. Thxu

Graces