I’m not sure if you guys ever noticed this, but updates on this site can ebb and flow. As we are the most depressed mini-cluster of writers on the internet, this makes perfect sense. At any given moment, one or all of us is in the throes of a crippling despair — or, in contrast, one or all of us is chirpy and pleased with life. This wide range in overall mood is reflected in our overall productivity, here at the Sneer Campaign and also in every single aspect of our lives.
I guess I should start off by telling you about Depression, as if you are at all strangers to the concept. But I know our demographics. You’re all a bunch of first world 20- and 30-somethings mostly. I assume you are all actually in the midst of your own Pity Parties RIGHT NOW, and are just taking a break to read this article in the hopes of finding some gentle humor to ease your troubled souls. Well, indulge me here for a minute. Pretend that you are all perfect spring flowers and have never seen a reason to frown in your life. Do you remember what that feels like? I think I might, but I could also be severely mistaken and I am just emotionlessly imagining the color blue. But emotionlessness is just an absence of sadness, and that doesn’t automatically mean “happiness.” Although some days, it is just as welcome of a relief. Am I even getting ahead of myself here? You can bet no one cares.
Welcome back to our monthly comic series, Doofus and Darling. If you had Highlights for Children magazine when you were young, you’ve seen Goofus and Gallant. If not, it probably doesn’t matter anyway.
We are full of Moods, we human beings. Astronomical and astrological bodies up in the heavens influence us in a myriad of ways throughout our days and throughout our entire lives. As long as there is a sky, we will be puppets dancing as each planet pulls our strings. As long as there is a Sun and a Moon, we will be periodically melting down, overwhelmed by treacherous lows and dizzying highs, all which take place only inside of our minds.
We have mapped out the calendar events of a day to allow you to prepare for the hours and the phases of your mood. Knowledge is power, and you can do what you need to do to survive.
Nursery rhymes are a staple for most of us as we grow up. They are age-old classics from yester-century, usually, with some modernizations and updates so that we aren’t teaching children about drowning kittens in wells like it’s just a thing boys happen to do, so here’s a cute little rhyme about it. Or, oh here’s some nightmare fodder about the clumsy egg man who died.
It seems that Mother Goose lived sometime in the 1800s, made a collection of poems for children, and that was that. No one ever tried again because why mess with perfection, I assume they thought. Well except for modern day poets such as Andrew Dice Clay, who I understand modernized nursery rhymes in a more ribald sense. But that is of no use to anyone, anymore.
Luckily for us all, we at the Sneer Campaign have unearthed some “new” versions of beloved nursery rhymes, which the sophisticated children of the 1920s and 1930s enjoyed and learned from. Their lessons were timeless and universal, so children of today will benefit just as well. In fact, the children of today will benefit even more because modern kids have not a lick of urbanity or savoir-faire. So have their nannies and au pairs strap them down and force them to recite these poems. It builds the right kind of character that the world desperately needs!
Not really having a job or school or a set schedule at all ever has sort of given me what I consider to be a pretty fun outlook on Time. I think I haven’t had an actual schedule except for the odd appointment for like the past eighteen years or so. This is an amazing feat, let me tell you, because these modern times are tightly controlled by time-obligations and timesponsibilities. You are meant to be places at certain times or else people will JUDGE YOU SEVERELY.
That’s sort of more of expectations of not being late, though, and I am generally a fairly punctual “On Time When I Have to Be” kind of dame. I think. As far as I know?
But well, actually knowing what day it is? That’s another problem entirely!
starring Jimmy Stewart
Jeremiad: (n.) a prolonged lamentation or mournful complaint
I’m going to just come out and bluntly say it: We of the sneer campaign are depressed a lot. We are a lot of things, I guess. But in between bouts of anxiety, euphoria, rage, and “feeling kind of normal, I think?” we are just plain old sad. Well, Dollissa and I have this problem, I guess the contributors and Junior Sneerists might not be constant messes, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they were just like us. Really, I figure most people, in their quiet times, have many of the issues we have.
And here I am, in the midst of another depression. How many have I had? How many more can there possibly be? Sometimes, I can’t tell if I am really sad, or just extremely melodramatic. Each time seems to get worse and worse but enough about me. What can we, collectively, DO about all of this sadness that not just I am having? I’ll tell you what we OUGHT to do. We should just stop feeling sad. Heck, let’s do away with all of the bad emotions, too! Fury, jealousy, insecurity, unreasonable panic, hate – throw those right out the door. And come to think of it, it’s really no use only feeling the happy, good emotions. Without the contrast of the bad things, good won’t seem as good as it is. And, besides, feeling good creates a pendulum effect where you are meant to swing back and feel an equal amount of bad. It’s a balance. It’s nature. So let’s just stop feeling.
I hear you wondering some things. Some things like, “but aren’t emotions good? Even the bad ones?” Nah. Thinking they are is a sort of Stockholm Syndrome, I’m sure. Luckily for you, I have put on my lab coat here in the laboratory, and have gotten out my clipboard – so I mean some serious science business here. All of your questions AND MORE will be answered while I have the energy to tappity-tap away at my keyboard for a few minutes. I’d encourage you to get excited and to expect relief, but this is a new day. A new era. We’ll have no more of that. No more looking forward to things because things are already okay. You’ll understand soon.
Animals are great! The world is wonderful! Nature is really nice and we should all do our best to preserve it. I think a lot of people don’t mean to harm the environment and the things which dwell within, but they have never really given it much thought. Like that awful business with palm oil. If most people were faced with the actual destruction of animal homes, they would find it within themselves to read labels and make ethical choices. I think most people know that all of the bees are dying, and probably can now correctly identify a honeybee so that they do not kill one in a panic. Learning things helps you make informed decisions, and that is never bad. Or at least, then, if you choose to do bad, it isn’t just because you are ignorant. It is because you are terrible.
We at the Sneer Campaign believe strongly that knowledge is power, just like Schoolhouse Rock told us. And we would like help you to know things. We want to help the world. We want to do good. Now, we are just beginning this journey of earthly well-wishing. We are not at Leonardo DiCaprio, Eco-Savior levels quite yet. Unlike him, we are only mere mortals with limited funds. Lucky for us all, learning is free, and now we will teach you a handy thing or two on how to care for the wild creatures of the forest, free of charge. Specifically, we are going to guide you on how to keep bears happy.
We may not know a lot about cchris, but one of the things we DO know is that he has at some point consistently claimed that his birthday is August 3rd. Maybe this means something to those of you who are astrologically minded, but to us, it mostly means that it is the day that we talk to him about the ravages of aging. We don’t really know what he looks like, but at this point he probably has little crinkles at his eye corners. Is there greying in his hair? Does he have hair? He just might really be an ethereal wisp of snark and malice for all we know, but he is a surprisingly vain one. If he is a chatbot in real life, he was programmed to find the passage of time to be cruel. If every other thing about him is a lie, at the very least his displeasure at the idea of growing old and eventually dying seems to be authentic.
starring Carole Lombard
Saturnine: (adj.) of a gloomy or surly disposition