For more than 5 years I worked in a café serving coffees, sandwiches, sushi, and even Ovaltine. But mostly, I served bubble tea. After so long, nothing took longer than anything else (except sushi, which was later retired at my workplace) and I couldn’t have possibly cared what people did or didn’t order. I loved the job, worked whenever I could, made friends with coworkers and customers, and even spent most of my off-time there. But some things that customers did… some were just too much to handle.

Here I present to you, The Worst Things. Now I know that some of these things may even sound almost normal, if encountered rarely and reasonably. It didn’t happen that way! This is all the time, consistent, terrible.

 

Taking Forever to Order

Cafe Peeve #1 by Amanda Wood

Okay, it’s a café. Why don’t you already know what you wanted? Why did you come in? Did you want a coffee? Say coffee, I’ll get you one so fast it’ll make your head spin. Or did you want a bubble tea? I can make three at a time, just pick the damn flavor. We always have the same ones, most places do.

I would try to solve this one in a friendly way, by offering to recommend a drink, but that usually just resulted in a series of increasingly difficult decisions, such as iced or hot, or small or large. We would both get frustrated. At one point, for the bubble teas, we built a spinning wheel to choose flavors. Customers loved it! They would spin and then decide that they wanted the same thing they always get instead. Problem solved.

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It’s honeybee swarm season! What does that mean? That it’s springtime! And almost summer. And that if you see a honeybee swarm, don’t be scared! They are just finding a new home and won’t hurt you, probably. (Sneer Campaign can not guarantee that you will never get stung by a bee.)

Bee Music by Amanda Wood

Here at Sneer Campaign we are fond of bees. Bees are the little musical friends of the sky, zipping around and softly buzzing through the summer breeze. They spend their time bringing us flowers and produce, as a byproduct of their tasty pollen diet. I’m sure we’ve all seen Bee Movie, so there’s no need to explain that bees run the world.

Over the years (yes, years!) we have compiled our favorite bee songs. Songs about bees, songs that mention bees, songs that remind us of bees, and even a few songs about honey. We hope that you enjoy them. We recommend sipping on an iced tea, relaxing with a cat, and staring up at the trees and clouds while you listen. Just kidding! Have a coffee.

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Note: This was written while Prudence was Emily Yoffe, a wonderful and amazing columnist. We love the others too, but we wanted you to know that this was for her.

Dear Prudence,

Where do I start? I am a longtime reader. I know that there was a Prudence before you, and while I do love advice columns in general, your answers are the ones I love. I can’t get enough of reading your column. You give advice the way it should be given.

I read through your column all day long at work. Don’t worry, I finish all my work too, but I read your answers in between answering customer questions. It’s fascinating and I often find myself 4 years back in the archives, looking for posts I haven’t read yet.

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We at Sneer Campaign take our promises seriously. We promised you fine journalism, enticing story-telling, adequate comics, fancy paper dolls, and a modest dollop of occasional egomania, among other things. Today, we are going to make good on some of these promises by giving you a dazzling paper doll of our very own superstar, Dollissa the doll-sized girl! For you see, it’s her birthday today, and we like to celebrate important holidays whenever they turn up on the calendar. And aside from my own birthday, I can’t think of a birthday more important than this one.

Take a look at this doll. You might not know her now, but let me tell you − this is a stunning work of pure accuracy. Our sneering writer owns several of these outfits. And yes, she has three cats that she enjoys lugging around when they let her. And what would Dollissa be without a book, a laptop, a tea, AND a coffee? Unrecognizable is what she’d be!

Go ahead and indulge yourself. Click on this image, print it out, and go to town. Cause Dollissa to have some silly adventures. Here are some favorite activities that you can have your Paper Dollissa do:

  • watch Seinfeld for several hours, then tell her friends about the episode plots she watched
  • play Pokémon cards against her friends; she has about a 50/50 win/loss rate
  • drink coffee, and then another coffee; make sure to have a few!
  • learn banjo for a few days every few years
  • log into IRC, then instead chat with Amandoll on Google Hangouts all day
  • put on the Haircut-cat neckscarf and pick up the other two cats; it never works!
  • sometimes she goes to work! do a little of that

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Day 1: We have received the ant farm and have filled it with the accompanying perlite. The harvester ants are coming from California, and will arrive on Day 2, by mail. About 30 ants should arrive, hopefully with their life and limbs intact, according to the documentation provided.

Day 2: The ants are here. 20 dead. The rest, about 25 alive, look visibly upset. Since they left their travel tube they have been cleaning the stink of the dead off of themselves. They also appear hungry and thirsty. We give them some walnut crumbs and they go to town. They drink up some water out of a wet cotton ball. Satiated, some rest and some start to dig.

Ant Farm Photograph by Fran

 

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I love Pokémon. Primarily, I have played the card game (TCG), but in the past I have made a half-hearted attempt at the GameBoy games as well. I never got very far in those, although I have done okay enough casually at the card game. Here is an unordered list of some of my favorite types of Pokémon and how likely each one of them is to devour me in spite of my love.

Regigigas – Colossal Pokémon

Height: 12′ 2″

Weight: 925.9 lbs

No. 486

Regigigas is my favorite Pokémon to play cards with. He is big and strong and has a lot of big and strong friends, like Regirock, Registeel, and Regice. Plus, he’s super cool, and he pulls continents around. For some reason, I always thought of him as an herbivore, but I’m not sure that’s true. He is pretty large, so it seems like he might even just eat me by accident.

Turns out, Regi doesn’t even have a mouth. Win-win for me, but for Regi? Well, he probably absorbs his energy from the sun, just like me and Superman. He would never eat me anyway, because we are best friends. I would ride on his shoulders and watch him pull continents to a more aesthetically pleasing place. Do you want to be his friend too? He stays calm, as long as you are friendly.

Regigigas & Dollissa by Amanda Wood

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  • no one has any smart phones
  • they don’t eat real meat anymore
  • there’s still white people
  • everyone isn’t addicted to the holodeck
  • there’s not one guy relentlessly quoting Seinfeld all the time
  • i guess i don’t really understand how a society could possibly exist without money
  • the government seems pretty efficient for the most part
  • they almost always do the right thing (as a group, anyway)
  • do they really only communicate with other ships when they are right near them?
  • everyone thinks the borg are evil but they’re just efficient. leave them alone.

Borglissa by Amanda Wood

Here’s the deal. Although I never see actual costumes for cats in stores (they are all “small dog” costumes that we force onto our little furry shitheads), there appear to be plenty on Etsy, and a lot of hilarious ideas online. So here is my idea for a kind of cat costume that the world really needs, and not the ones it is providing to me, a lover of cats.

As a purebred catlady, I know that cats have strange personalities. Some, like my Tuff Ghost, you can never touch, let alone costume. Haircut lets anyone put anything on her, which is why I make her use the buddy system when going out. Olive decides in each moment what she wants to do, and it is never predictable, although you can definitely predict that she will not want to dress up as a dragon (again). But this idea is probably good for any cat that would allow traditional cat costumes, or maybe even just a harness. Not in a pleasing way of course, but because it will be impossible for your little darling to shake it off.

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In honor of the 141st Annual Kentucky Derby this Sunday, we are dedicating this post to one of our favorite heroes of all time: Secretariat. (You can find a Secretariat paper doll here.)

Secretariat is the greatest horse who ever lived. What an earnest and determined guy he was! Big Red, as he was sometimes known, was just about the fastest horse in the known universe (or wherever horses are!) and set records in 1973 that still stand today.

St. Secretariat by Amanda Wood

When Secretariat was born in 1970, just after midnight on March 30, nobody knew that little horse would be a household name.  He became so famous beyond the racetrack that he was on the covers of Time and Newsweek. Not bad for an equine athlete! He was given to Penny Chenery after birth as the result of a coin toss agreement between the stud owner and the owner of the gentle mother of Big Red. His name was chosen by the secretary of the stable.

Secretariat raced until he was 3 years old, per his contract. Most racehorses are itty bitty little children, runnin’ in their prime. He retired at age 3 with an acclaim that only 10 other horses can boast, winning the Triple Crown of Thoroughbred Racing in the United States.

After his death in 1989, during a necropsy (a normal procedure for a deceased horse), the veterinarian described his heart as a “huge engine.” It was estimated to be 2 ¾ times the size of an average thoroughbred racehorse’s heart. He was put down humanely after being afflicted with an often incurable disease. Unlike most racehorses, whose head, hooves, and heart are buried together, Secretariat was buried whole, an honor befitting the Saint that he is.

Should I really describe the races to you? Of course not. You should watch them, below, with very dramatic music included.

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Wow. Cool. Haha. Omg. Awesome.

The truth is, I didn’t click on your link at all. I’m sorry, but this had to be done and it’s about time I told you. You see, I just don’t care. You send me links every day, and I guess you haven’t figured it out, but I’m not interested. You can stop sending them anytime you want.

Just because I’m online, doesn’t mean I’m not busy. And just because I’m chatting with you, doesn’t mean that I can watch your favorite video of that guy from that movie saying a line from his other movie and then he giggles. Or that I want to, for that matter. Why would I care that you liked something?

Does it even align with my interests? Do you know what those are? It’s not endless cat videos, which you are showing me all the time. Now my Facebook timeline looks like I’m obsessed with cats! (Ignore the photos of my actual cats I guess.)

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