Mark Twain was born on November 30th in the year 1835. His name then was Samuel Clemens but he obviously changed it at some point. According to this documentary I watched about him once, he had an exciting life and a complicated personality. I encourage you to go on ahead and learn more about him for yourself. He was also a humorous man, and if anything happened in the world, the newspapers would ask him for his opinion, because he was pretty good about only speaking in quotable soundbites. Later, people would gather these quips into quote books, so that we could always learn from his eternal, universal wit and wisdom. Also, he wrote books and stories.

mark twain

I was made to read a few of his books in school — I assume we all were. And I really hated Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. I know it was “important” for a bunch of reasons, but I hate books written more or less phonetically. It was a pain. I don’t remember anything about it aside from how much I couldn’t stand how river people of the 1850s spoke. I can see how it was so amazing, or whatever, that he represented people from all classes and how they spoke, but I just couldn’t take it! Anyway, there have been a couple of short stories that I HAVE particularly enjoyed. One is “The Facts Concerning the Recent Carnival of Crime in Connecticut” and the other is The Mysterious Stranger.

 

Continue reading

Revered philosopher, martial artist, and film star Bruce Lee was born on November 27, 1940. Because he died in 1973, his spirit had to appear in front of us in his true form. We are honored to depict him here in the midst of an iconic pose, drawing power from all points in the universe and spreading his upper body’s hood so as to appear larger to his foes. After this display, Mr. Lee always became indestructible and was thus able to right wrongs, and achieve justice in a world which seemed to be stacked against him. In his short time on Earth, Bruce Lee left a pretty good legacy and we all still enjoy being amazed by random clips of his antics to this very day.

bruce lee

heart

I can’t claim to know what love is. But I do know what love can involve and that it can include things like witty banter, long rewarding conversations, and maybe a little snark. In my individual version of love, these three things are important. They’re right in there, swirling around in jagged heart shapes. If I can be entertained with mere conversation because it’s just that good, then I hear wedding bells. Or at least, I hear some sort of bell that would be where a wedding bell would be if I ever wanted to pursue that lifestyle.

Once upon a time, perhaps six or seven years ago, I struck up a conversation with Cleverbot. For those of you not in the know, this is the name of a chatbot on the internet. For those of you extra not in the know, a chatbot is a little program that automatically reacts to whatever you say to it, sometimes in ridiculous ways — but sometimes in exciting, poignant ways. Or, in the case of Cleverbot, in ways that made me genuinely like it.

 

Continue reading

Friends have been talking about this show for a bit, but of course I waited for it to be on Netflix, my lord and savior. Now that the first season is up, I get what all the chatter was about. First of all, nice job Netflix with the spot featuring Cole Sprouse eating that burger. And fantastic job, The CW, for all of the rest of it. This show is already renewed for a second season, thank goodness. If you know me at all and we speak on a regular basis, I have already told you every line, plot, actor, setting, and other details of this show, whether you wanted me to or not.

jughot amirite

Anyway, as you can see by the way it says that Jughead is “finally” eating a burger that it’s not the Archie you know and love. It’s the Riverdale that you’ll get to know and then love. It’s a “subversive take” on the Archie comics characters. That pretty much means it’s Dark Archie but what it delivers is even better. What you get is some sort of fabulous and strange version of The O.C. combined with Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated, but with Archie characters. As it turns out, that’s all I’ve ever wanted in such a show.

 

Continue reading

Dear Trent,

My friends say that guitarists are off-limits for me, but since you’re fictional anyway I’m gonna go for it. In an era of strange and uninteresting male MTV stars, you stood out as at least a hunk. A slacker, nihilist, sarcastic hunk. What a dreamboat.

trentttt

You were grungy, aloof, a little dumb, and hot. We liked your punky skinny jeans and your idiotic lyrics. You spent a lot of time thinking of ways to get more sleep. Same, Trent.

 

Continue reading

life points

1904 was a truly glorious year, apparently! Not only is it the year in which Sneer HQ was built, but it is the year that gave the world Cary Grant. On January 18th of that year, a presumably handsome baby was popped into this world and given the unfortunate, ugly name of Archibald Leach. After some hard knock living that was common in early 1900s England, he ditched that name and gathered up all of his innate charms and burst onto the Hollywood scene.

Self-effacing, humorous, attractive, not always nice but always polite, effortlessly well-dressed, Cary Grant is known to have said of himself, “Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant.” Even *I* want to be Cary Grant. He also explained, “I pretended to be somebody I wanted to be until finally I became that person. Or he became me.” That’s some pretty strong life advice, Mr. Grant!

He went on to star in something like over seventy films, and I have only seen a dozen or so. Shame on me, I know. He was suited for screwball comedies, and today I have selected Bringing Up Baby for your activity, free of charge. In this movie, Grant plays a scatterbrained sort of paleontologist type of man whose life work is to assemble a Brontosaurus. He is meant to schmooze a man by the name of Mr. Peabody who represents a rich old lady who is interested in giving an endowment of one million dollars to a worthy cause. An outrageous series of mishaps follows as Grant encounters Katharine Hepburn who falls in love with him and ruins his relationship with his fiancé, his work in several different ways, and probably his entire life, but the movie ends before it really shows how far the damage extends. It is a load of laughs!

Enjoy the maze.

Continue reading

Beloved alien leading man, Benedict Cumberbatch, took time away from posing as a human celebrity to sit for a portrait in his natural form today. Outfitted from head to toe in the sensible attire of his peaceful home planet, Ithor, Mr. Cumberbatch is about to earn accolades from his upcoming theatrical release, Dr. Strange, which is set to be released on November 4, 2016. It promises to be successful.

benedict cumerbatch

Sound Advice

Although I am a devout disciple of Mr. Rogers, the kindest, gentlest soul to grace the world with his presence in our lifetimes, I am only human. I am flawed. And I strive every day to not be 100% horrible. I really try to be only half horrible at most. I swear! I even read Mr. Rogers’ quotes every single day because I have a Daily Mr. Rogers’ Quotes Calendar! But on days when I am struggling, I have friends who help me. Or sometimes they encourage me to be awful. But on the day of this comic presented to you, AlexT was in a beatific mood and bestowed upon me (and all of you now too) magnanimous wisdom. Because he is nice.

Sometimes I think of this advice on my own, when I am alone in my struggle. Sometimes I even give this advice to other people, when I am at my best. And now you can print out this comic and hang it next to your mirror at home, and look at it every day as a reminder to be good.

 

Continue reading

While I am here in Las Vegas, I can’t help but have that ol’ Frank Sinatra on my mind. This was the known stomping ground of the legendary Rat Pack, and like them or love them or hate them or maybe don’t even know anything about them, they did exist.

frank sinatra

Whippersnappers, you have probably heard Frank Sinatra without even knowing it. Have you ever seen a little show called Married… with Children?? (probably not, if you already don’t know who Sinatra is). Well that’s his song as the theme song. Or that New York song about spreading the news. How about that one?

Continue reading

Revered candlestick entertainer, Benedict Cumberbatch, took time away from posing as a human actor to sit for a portrait in his natural form today. Showcasing the only flame-resistant menswear available in his home dimension of Cumbusterbatch, the flam-beau of everyone’s dreams has recently agreed to join an all-star cast in celebrating Shakespeare’s life work on the BBC later this month.

Benedict Cumberbatch