Are you afraid of everything? Me too. Monsters, ghosts, the A word (I don’t want to believe), you name it! I’m sure you noticed that often my posts are about my fears. We even have a whole Irrational Fear comic series for your enjoyment.

It’s hard to live this way! You can’t really go out at night because it’s dark and maybe not even into your living room at night if the light switch is too far away. If you hear something, every one of your muscles tenses until you fall asleep from distress. Sometimes you turn on all your lights and call your sister. Maybe you clutch the sharp butcher knife in your white-knuckled shaky little hands just waiting to finally have to defend yourself in the worst case scenario you’ve been dreaming about for decades. Whatever. You deal with it!

fear

 

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Everybody loves France. So – oh, no? That’s not a thing? Well they should. Their tendency to surrender is exaggerated, their cheese, whilst smelling like the olfactory equivalent of the Westboro Baptists Church, is known to be delicious for some reason, and they discovered radium, without which I wouldn’t be able to find my glow in the dark mouth guard when the combination of my saliva and grinding teeth inevitably shoots it across my bed like so many bars of prison soap. I’m sorry, I’m not doing a very good job of celebrating France. I must, as I often do, turn to poetry to communicate my deeply felt, depthy feelings about France to you all.

poetry

 

 

One of the best television shows just came back for Season 2 last night, and if you don’t have an ancient tv set and missed it, don’t worry! It is The Internet Age and Difficult People can only be seen on Hulu. (If you don’t have Hulu, just figure it out. It’s important!)

The overlords at Hulu were kind enough to release two episodes to us at once, to satisfy our bingeing and masturbatory needs. Right off the bat, the first episode satisfies. A mere 2 minutes in, there are references to both Anne Hathaway and the Holocaust. And thus begins our Difficult Journey.

Difficult People Season 2 by Amanda Wood

 

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In the year 1776, as chaos and tyranny swirled around the vulnerable human race, there formed a perfect union of superheroes intent on establishing Justice, insuring domestic Tranquility, providing common Defense, promoting the general Welfare, and securing the Blessings of Lady Liberty herself for all time. It became necessary for this mighty team to band together for the greater good of all, using their superior station which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitled them.

liberty league

In present times, they believe firmly that all humans are created equal, and that we humans are endowed by our Mere Existence with certain unalienable rights. Among these are “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.” Whenever our heroes encounter anything destructive of these ends, it is Beholden of the League to alter or abolish it. No longer should any Freedom-Loving Citizen be subject to long eras of abuse or Despotism. It is our right, it is our duty, to throw off the shackles of oppression and beseech our Guards to intervene.

Let our League now be submitted to a candid world.

 

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Smooching. It is one of the best things there is. William Shakespeare said, “To smooch is divine. To do another thing is not as good as that, y’all.” When you smooch another person, you put your mouth on their mouth and kind of just smooch your mouths together, and is it ever good! There’s nothing better than sitting back with a tall glass of hot lemonade on a sunny winter afternoon and giving your sweetie the old mouth bridge. Here are four hot tips to make your smooching the best smooching it can be:

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It’s ANY DAY OF THE WEEK and without a doubt every single person who might ever read this DEFINITELY needs to get fit, fast! Faster! Any minute of the day is the right time to inform you that you are blubbery and unsightly and obviously need to start exercising because, honey, that portion control diet that relies on self-control just AIN’T workin’ for you. At least, this is what I have gleaned from watching any television, seeing any magazine, or overhearing anyone trying to make money at the expense of the insecurities of others. And who isn’t, amirite? 

Well let me tell you that THIS article CAN’T fail. It’s my very own method towards a better me, and friends, if I use it, then it HAS to be good. It is also probably based on science because I am wearing a lab coat as I write this. And my name tag says “Dr. Amandoll, nutritionology fitness expert.” It’s not like I do anything else but sit around and THINK all the time, right? So I clearly have all the answers. I think that’s all it takes to make me Qualified, right? Right? Well, if you believe it, it’s good enough for me, and let’s never bring the Courts into it.

exercise

 

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Hedda Hopper was a true Sneer Queen. She was known primarily for her caustic wit and her outrageous hats, which would fit her nicely into our crew. Her gossip column was well-known, and vicious, but she also starred in well over 100 movies! She knew famous people and used it against them. She had feuds with other columnists and was even kicked in the butt by Spencer Tracy over some gossip!

She was so great that she even accepted a joke valentine of a skunk gracefully. Probably the only gossip columnist with a Hollywood Walk of Fame star, Hedda surely made a name for herself in the Golden Age of Hollywood.

hedda hopper

 

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Well, it’s that time of year again. A time of renewal. A time of rebirth. A time when Mother Nature wakes up and fills the air with a thick yellow fog of pollen. A time when your fondest desire is to gouge the sinuses out of your face with an ice cream scoop.

Yes, spring is in the air.

Spring

 

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Mysteries of the Unknown is a Time-Life Series of books published from 1987 to 1991. They’re amazing. They focus on all things paranormal and weird as shit. For some reason, these books were a gigantic hit. They broke every record Time-Life had when they were produced, and they’re famous for the wacky commercials. Atlas Obscura wrote this great thing about them.

Well, I happen to have some of these books and I can impart this wisdom straight from its pages into your eyes. I have inherited these books from my father and 7 of the set of 33 remain. The others are probably somewhere in storage.

The first book I checked out was Mind Over Matter. This book is primarily about psychokinesis, the act of or ability to influence physical objects with your mind. In my experience, most people believe this stuff as children. Some kids (or nerd adults) try to use the force, some people try to make stuff happen with their mind, and my roommate used to believe that his airplane would fall down if there were enough negative thoughts by the passengers. Totally reasonable.

Mysteries of the Unknown: Mind Over Matter

This twisted rug is proof.

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The Van Morrison hit “Brown Eyed Girl” is just one of those songs you hear innumerable times over the course of your life. You’ve probably heard it in your home, your car radio, overhead at the grocery store, and countless other places. The point is this is a song that is played out the ass (FORESHADOWING) and chances are you could sing a few lines if asked on the spot. If someone asked me to sing for them on the spot I’d tell them to go sing to a big meaty johnson, but that’s just me.

Now I do enjoy this song, but probably not for the same reasons as most. My enjoyment from it comes from my knowledge of what the TRUE meaning of this song is all about. That beneath those charming and harmless lyrics is a cesspool of debauchery. Would you believe me if I told you that this song has a secret meaning that you’ve gone decades without noticing? No? Well then… Would you believe me when I tell you that you’re living in a FOOL’S WORLD?  

brown eyed girl

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