The Shaq Man is a complicated character in our current culture. Much of what is thought about him is untrue, and there is a lot that is not commonly known that is fascinating. In about one hundred and fifty years, it is guaranteed that he will be seen as a folk legend, a gentleman known for being preposterously large and gentle. First known as a sportsman, Mr. O’Neal has recently retired and is pursuing his destiny in other fields. Here are some facts (Shaqts), speculations, and mild exaggerations to help you get to know Newark, New Jersey’s tallest star.

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(You can read the first installment of Diary of an Ant Farm here.)

Day 11: It turns out they were all just hiding. What a pleas-ant surprise.

Day 12: The ants start freaking out again. Inaudible screams, frantic running, the whole shebang. We may have been breathing on them a little. Sorry, ants. They calm down after a while and go back to digging.

Worker Ants by Ant King Fran

 

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Day 1: We have received the ant farm and have filled it with the accompanying perlite. The harvester ants are coming from California, and will arrive on Day 2, by mail. About 30 ants should arrive, hopefully with their life and limbs intact, according to the documentation provided.

Day 2: The ants are here. 20 dead. The rest, about 25 alive, look visibly upset. Since they left their travel tube they have been cleaning the stink of the dead off of themselves. They also appear hungry and thirsty. We give them some walnut crumbs and they go to town. They drink up some water out of a wet cotton ball. Satiated, some rest and some start to dig.

Ant Farm Photograph by Fran

 

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Have you heard of Neko Atsume? It is one of those app games that kids go crazy for these days and Dollissa and I are not immune to the hype, ourselves. Is there actually much hype over it? Not enough, I tell you. Not enough by a LONG shot! I will wait here while you immediately rush out to obtain it from your respective app store. It should only take a moment. Then, come back here to read the rest of this because you will be momentarily confused, giddy with possibilities and promises of round little cat drawings.

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Step 1: Don’t Care That You Can’t Read Japanese

I’m sure the Japanese words are full of impossibly cute descriptions. Maybe you can read it and tell me it is true? However I, and I will assume most of the rest of you, can’t read it at all but that’s okay. You aren’t there to read, you are there to gather cats to you with food and toys.

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What’s that you say? You wish you had a brand new paper doll to play with? And you wish it would reflect your interests… Or, dare I say, your unhealthy obsessions? Am I talking to you or talking into the mirror? It doesn’t matter because I just wanted to let you know that we have once again cooked up an entertainment doll that the whole world didn’t realize it needed until it clicked into this post! That’s right. Your eyes aren’t deceiving you. We have brought you a Secretariat Paper Doll!

Traditionally, these sorts of dolls are fun because you, the child, get to experience the joy of dressing up a human form in fancy clothes. But we are renegades on this site, not bound by convention. We see the world through the clear, almost unsettling lens of the iconoclast. Secretariat is a STAR and you will be pleased to dress him in the fine styles that we have provided. On the page that you will need to print out, you can find such dazzling items as a matching bridle and racing saddle set. The blue checkered hood and blinker bridle makes an appearance, and is there anything that screams “trendsetter” more than a whole-jockey accessory? Included, you will find glamorous flower fashion shawls by such designers as K.Y. Derby, Preakness, and Belmont. Secretariat wore them all. And he looked STUNNING.

There are also a few miscellaneous items for use when you are feeling a little silly. Secretariat was not all business all the time. He retired when he was only four years old after all, so he had decades of goofing off. The giant horse head sized novelty Groucho Glasses represent his fun-loving side. He was often seen wearing them when he had a few too many sugar lumps. Also included are his sideways cap, outrageous necklace chains, and totally funky fresh sneaker shoes: his preferred style while trotting the streets. Finally, you’ll no doubt recognize the glorious angel wings (which you are to cut up along those little white lines and sort of slide onto his back, theoretically. If that doesn’t work, just use chewing gum or something) from And Here Comes Secretariat. These should class up your shrine very nicely, as angelic beings typically bring a taste of High Quality to any event.

Click on the image to go to the real size and print it on out.

Secretariat Paper Doll Fun Zone

From time to time, I lose my mind and become convinced that I drink too much coffee. I know people are always doing some sort of martyred brag-lamentation about the truly colossal amounts of coffee that they drink in a day, but I’m not one of those. I drink very small amounts of coffee, only two to four cups a day, but I drink it EVERY day. Sometimes I notice that if my coffeedrink routine gets messed up, my personality takes a turn for the worse. Sometimes when I notice that, I become indignant! How dare coffee treat me like that! So then I resolve to show it a thing or two about dependency and I quit it.

I have heard of people quitting all of caffeine, but I have never done that. I just sometimes quit drinking coffee but then switch off to heroic amounts of tea. As great as tea is, it never seems to be a good replacement for the coffee caffeine that my body apparently has grown to need. Tea is there for drinking after the coffee has been finished for the day. Therefore, I have probably not even experienced actual caffeine withdrawal to the fullest extent. Even so, once when I quit only-coffee for two weeks, I had a seven day long headache that did not respond to medication, as well as feelings of impending death that lasted for the same length of time.

Maybe you have been thinking that you could use a break from coffee? Perhaps you are like me, and resent that you are apparently HOOKED. Perhaps you would like to prove to yourself and your coffee that you can stop any time you want. As a seasoned veteran of quitting the bitter bean, I am here to help you. Quick! Take my tremoring hand as I take you down the dark and frightening path to potentially healthier living!

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Snoop was once a dogg, but then he was a lion. He may or may not be a dogg again, as his new album will likely reflect next month. But on the inside, he has grown into a lion, and that is what he is to me − UNTIL!

The evolution of America’s preeminent entertainer-type human Pokémon is a story known to all. But I am here to promote the idea that formed in my head last night before I fell asleep that it is foolish to believe that this is his final form. I have many guesses as to what Snoop will become next, but I have opted to draw what I feel is the likeliest scenario. Click to make it bigger!

Snoop Butterflyy by Amanda Wood

Now we wait. But we can take comfort in knowing that it is only a matter of time until Snoop Butterflyy flutters highest among the stars, creating #1 instant hit songs about butterflizzling his nizzle. Or your nizzle. Or the nizzles of all, most likely. He’s that kind of guy.

Happy Holidays!

We would like to extend all the well-wishing in the world to Mr. Harrison Ford, an invaluable treasure of an actor who seems to live life teetering on the edge of accidental annihilation. He was recently in a plane crash. He is currently recovering. We hope he heals swiftly and is up and flying around again soon!

Harrison Ford: America's Fabergé Egg

Thank you to Justin Pierce, maker of The Non-Adventures of Wonderella, for the idea. You should read all of his comics, because they are excellent. You could also stand to read Wonderella’s Twitter feed.

Here are some important facts about Fabergé Eggs:

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My friends and I discuss important topics quite regularly. On this day, AlexT and I addressed the idea that the human brain is the most erotic organ in the body. As this is just a short conversation, we cut straight to the chase and look at my very own brain. I tell you, it’s just like a fully accurate MRI of what is inside this noggin.

Groucho Brain Comic by Amanda Wood

Long have we all heard the cry, “Never forget the Alamo!” Or is it, “Remember the Alamo”? One of these things has been echoing out of Texas for our lifetimes, and maybe some lifetimes before ours. But what is it really? What IS the Alamo? I know I could ask wikipedia, but I’m asking you, on this, the anniversary of The Battle of the Alamo! Pop quiz, kidlets.

Amandy Crockett

In the meantime, I’ll tell you what I know for sure.

The Alamo is in Texas, of course. It is a fortress. I’ve been told that it is smaller than you’d think. On March 6, one hundred and seventy-nine years ago, a bunch of American soldiers and living legends got killed by Mexican soldiers. I think the reason Texas considers it a victory is because the Americans held out for an astonishingly long time in the face of such strong adversity. But the Alamo should be remembered for far more important things than that.

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