Bodies: We all have them. But what do we KNOW about them? Science suggests that maybe we should know more, whereas religion demands that we know far less. We always side with science here on the sneer campaign, unless it challenges our strict moral codes (haha we don’t have moral codes. C’mon). So clasp our hand parts as we drag you down the twisted, prickly path of learnin’ and we will explain to you the things that school should have covered a long, long time ago. Or, perhaps more accurately, I will expose my horrific ignorance as I tell you about things I never thought about before that it turns out everyone has indeed known since middle school.
As the reader may observe, many people have collections. Some folks collect animal figurines or dolls. Model trains are popular. Geeks galore (myself included) collect comic books. Even crazy things can be collected, like classic cars or human bones! I have begun to notice recently that I have a unique collection: introverts. Yes, you read that last sentence correctly. I am unintentionally a collector of introverted individuals. How is this possible? I don’t know! It is a mystery for the ages, or maybe just me at age 35.
It’s ANY DAY OF THE WEEK and without a doubt every single person who might ever read this DEFINITELY needs to get fit, fast! Faster! Any minute of the day is the right time to inform you that you are blubbery and unsightly and obviously need to start exercising because, honey, that portion control diet that relies on self-control just AIN’T workin’ for you. At least, this is what I have gleaned from watching any television, seeing any magazine, or overhearing anyone trying to make money at the expense of the insecurities of others. And who isn’t, amirite?
Well let me tell you that THIS article CAN’T fail. It’s my very own method towards a better me, and friends, if I use it, then it HAS to be good. It is also probably based on science because I am wearing a lab coat as I write this. And my name tag says “Dr. Amandoll, nutritionology fitness expert.” It’s not like I do anything else but sit around and THINK all the time, right? So I clearly have all the answers. I think that’s all it takes to make me Qualified, right? Right? Well, if you believe it, it’s good enough for me, and let’s never bring the Courts into it.
Is Seasonal Affective Disorder bringing you down? Do you know what SAD even is? It sounds made up, for sure, but who doesn’t get SAD in the winter? Everybody knows that summertime is the best season and that winter belongs in Hell, with chewing gum, and that sigh people make after taking a big gulp of soda. Anyway, Dr. Dollissa is here to help.
There are a lot of methods for organizing yourself out there, especially lately. Sure, we’ve always had to-do lists and calendars and sticky notes, but now we have Bullet Journal and things like Evernote. Some people, as always, still use the Being An Adult Human and Both Remembering and Accomplishing Everything Without a Crazy List and Notebook Procedure, or The Sandy Cohen, as I like to call it.
Here at Sneer Campaign, we do not use any of those above methods. That is because we have our very own fool-proof system for organization.
It is an outrageous fact of life that songs can easily get stuck in your head. Even when it is a song you love, eventually, after enough of a while, you begin to go insane. You might even begin to hate the song in much the same way that when you binge on a favorite treat, you become ill and can’t take the taste for a good long time.
This is certainly terrible, to see something you love turn into poison, but it isn’t nearly as bad as having a song you already hated to begin with get stuck in there. It is a form of torture. There is no silver lining. Terrible lyrics set to a criminally catchy tune will rake at your very being until it is raw and threadbare. You tell everyone of your tragedy, and they understand. We all understand. We’ve all had it happen to us.
Some people call these catchy songs “ear worms,” a fitting name that reminds you of vile parasites draining you of your essence. It’s true. This music wriggles into your brain and eats holes in there. There are probably as many remedies for ear worms as there are for hiccups. Listen to another song, listen to the offending song, put a pillow over your head and scream, scream until you hurt: all with varying results.
Well, I have happened upon a new method.Continue reading