The thing about podcasts is that I’ve never really wanted to listen to people just discussing things. I don’t watch talk shows, I can’t stand listening to people read, and I can listen to people speak for about 50 – 100 words maximum, depending on the topic. So it was hard for me to believe that I’d ever want to get into podcasts as A Thing.

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I tried a few. When friends started podcasts, I would dutifully listen to one or two episodes to show my support and see if I’d want to keep going. I couldn’t! It never felt quite right. Sorry, friends. And really, it’s only so much that I can listen to anyone talk about anything, unless it’s Amandoll, about everything.

 

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go go go

It surprises no one, I’m sure, to discover that my secret hidden talent and life path dream is to become the slogan generator of a tourism board somewhere — anywhere! My old pal Esther came to me one day, long ago, with news coming from that harrowing icy land that is so very, very far away. It was a genius effort on their part to generate interest, I’m sure. And that’s all! So I decided to help, too. Then I decided to REALLY help by making it a comic that other people might actually see. I’m sure I didn’t need to convince Esther all that much, after all.

Click on the comic below if you want to see the adorable detail or whatever. And Siberia, you can thank me later for the good I have done here.

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It’s summertime. It has been summertime for a good long while now, actually, but here in Kentucky the full force of summer hadn’t hit me until fairly recently. It must be said that I generally die during the summer time of year. The blistering heat and suffocating humidity do me no favors, and the harsh rays of the earth’s yellow sun give me freckles and a tan. How can I be “Amandoll, Undead Creature of the Night” if I am sporting a healthy tan? I cannot be, that’s how.

I am a girl who enjoys clinging to the silver lining, however, and fortunately I can come up with two things I enjoy about summer: soft serve ice cream cones from locally owned dairy shacks, and grape soda. Grape soda is probably a tasty treat all year long, but I do not thirst for it until the temperatures reach 90F (32C) and above, which actually is a temperature it still can reach in the autumnal months. It is also better when there is a drought on, because walking down alley ways behind businesses while a fine dust blows in your eyes is the PERFECT time to be sipping from a cold and slender glass bottle of that purple wonder elixir.

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Previously, I had been under the mistaken impression that all grape drinks were created more or less the same. How many differences could there be in a product that contained soda water, purple color, and sweetener? Well, actually I don’t really know myself, so I have decided to conduct a Consumer Report for the world to reference as a resource. I am going to select a small variety of grape drink beverages and test them against the horrible summer heat. I will grade them on Flavor, Mouthfeel, Thirst Quench, Packaging, and Arbitrary Impressions. There will be technical jargon bandied about, and an air of scientific study will be apparent. So put on your eye goggles, sneer enthusiasts, because I’m going Purple Drank Sippin’!

 

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As previously mentioned in The Habbo Diaries parts one and two, some of us were recruited into the workforce, for various places, with, well… pretty similar positions. None of us received any wages, in-game or otherwise. Nor did we receive any furni for our time. But we worked. We worked hard.

Habbo Hotel Workforce

The purpose of the Habbo workforce eluded me; it was not affiliated with Official Habbo. They were run by people, kids I assume? I also never understood how they were funded. They had dozens of rooms with what must have been hundreds or thousands of dollars worth of furni. I didn’t get it and I didn’t get to the bottom of it. But we tried our darnedest, by spreading out our jobs and expertise throughout the Habboverse.

 

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Reigning megastar of the universe, Beyoncé, Queen of the World, fluttered into the Sneer Art Studio today in order to be drawn in her natural form today.  While effortlessly shifting from one pristine, awe-inspiring pose to another, she casually spoke a monologue stream of opinions about the state of the cosmos, her family, and most importantly: her image. It is our pleasure to announce to you that she resents being likened to a Queen Bee and that her fans are part of a “Bey Hive,” for really, as you can see, she is a long-legged owl who dances across the sky by night.

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Habbo Hotel has been around since practically the beginning of the internet as we know it. Several of us have been held in its thrall, and maybe still go back to it from time to time. Maybe we are going to it today, in the present year of 2017. At any rate, it seems like a good idea to get the boot in the door and write a first article introducing our readers to the concept, as though you don’t all secretly keep accounts there, yourselves. I have been discussing it with everyone’s favorite Southern Man, Mr. Billy Holiday (my frequent cohort at the hotel a few years ago and actually he might have been on there far more than I actually was). We have realized that there were so many happenings over so many years that there are a few articles within us about this place, this should-be-totally-defunct place. But what is it?

you can never leave

 

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In the future, September 7th, 2016, may be remembered as an important day for many different reasons. I don’t really keep up with current events, so I don’t know what those might be. But the one thing I do know for sure is that children for many decades will be taught to revere this day as the day that Dollissa finally bought a house, casually referred to as “Sneer House,” so that we may concentrate on being more productive and building an empire and all of that sort of thing.

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This just so happens to be around the one-and-a-half-year-versary of the site, too! How far we’ve come in just eighteen months. From sometimes managing to produce three pieces of content a week, to now where we usually do update thrice, and also are talking about bumping it up to five a week: we are on the up! And now, a physical location outside of the internet? Magic is real. Sentences are unwieldy.

We have made much reference to wanting a house. It’s not like any of us are living any sort of normal life, so we can follow our whims and write our own rules and if we want to form a little collection of friends, compatriots, and well-wishers who all live together sometimes, then why not? So after about a year of searching, being thwarted, making vision boards, writing informative guides on the subject, daydreaming, and searching some more, Destiny smiled upon us and now probably a lot of hard work begins because of the inherent challenges of “home ownership.”

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We caught about ten minutes of the Olympics by accident over the weekend and were inspired to invite Michael Phelps, water athlete, to our studios so that he could have a portrait done in his true form. It will surprise no one to hear that Mr. Phelps is in fact a magical sailfish that boldly stole the arms of Poseidon, who is known to be God of the Sea. Now that he is officially retiring, for real this time, with many more medals than any other mortal human, he felt it was safe to reveal his true form. Way to go, Michael Phelps.

 

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There have been a lot of movie cowboys who have had famous star horses as their mounts: Hopalong Cassidy and Topper, the Lone Ranger and Silver, Gene Autry and Champion the Wonder Horse; but none were as famous as Roy Rogers and his Palomino steed, Trigger. Or really, I should say “Trigger and his hanger-on, Roy Rogers the singing cowboy.”

Trigger was a wonderful horse, a marvel. And he was so famous that he even starred in a comic book series! He could walk on his hind legs, sign his name with an “X”, cover himself with a blanket, had a very good rhythm as a dancer, and apparently, he was even house-trained. He had so many tricks memorized that they ran out of ways to teach him prompts for new ones (that amount, for those of you who are curious, is 150 tricks). He was a professional actor and like any superstar, would perk up as soon as he saw cameras or crowds. Trigger was not a diva, though, and was reportedly as sweet as sugar to almost everyone.

trigger

However, in my idle moments of reading about this equine, I discovered several shocking facts!

 

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T.J. Miller, an actor of modest fame, joined us here in Sneer Studios to have his portrait drawn from a small vivarium atop a posing stool. It may surprise some readers to learn that he is not a human actor who stands at just over six feet tall. What you occasionally see acting in films and movies is a shell of a man controlled by his true form, which operates from the inside: a four inch long arthropod whose real surname is Millerpede. He is not known to be toxic, but he does skitter around at an unsettling speed.

TJ Millerpede