At this point in our lives, in human history, the New Age is feeling pretty old. New Agers are basically great-grandparents or more and who wants to follow in THOSE lifestyles? Not us! And not you, either. It is time for the NEW New Age and what better way than to mash up old trusted things with other equally as old trusted things and then presented in ways that our ancestors couldn’t even imagine, not even with their Free LSD Parties or wheat grass juice diets held for 25 years.

get it get it

Grab your crystals and your multiple computing devices in case you need them and get ready for the latest trends. Don’t get left behind with the fads of yesteryear when you can jump on the latest bandwagon of your choice. We’ve outlined our favorites below but you’ll have to visit Pinterest (we assume) for more information and the strict guidelines.

 

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You know how when you’re bored, you spend your time browsing Kickstart projects, PetFinder cuties, and terrible pop culture products on Etsy? Well here is a new spiral to focus on while you drag yourself further and further from reality. Further from reality and closer to realty!

yessss

Sure you can check for apartments and houses you’ll never buy on Zillow or whatever local real estate company, but while we’re dreaming, let’s go big or go home, as they say. We’ve of course told you about our plans for a deli or multiple delis. Here are our new plans as of however recently we found these great listings that we want very much. Each will have a cat wandering around, we have a lot of cats to place. This plan actually all started because we were talking about how shop cats are great, and that we have too many cats, and then how if we had a store (or stores) we could technically have more cats. This then immediately led us to planning for businesses we will start and then plant our friends there so that they may grow as vast and robust as our fortunes definitely will.

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It’s the goddamn future! We were expecting a lot of cool things, but all I ever hear is where are our jetpacks and where are the hoverboards? Well I want some other stuff, I have no intention of flying around. I want things that make life actually easier! I want my instant gratification to be more than instant! Struggling and hard work should be part of the tedious, awful past! We have things to do that we would rather have finished long ago. Chores are antiquated. Effort is so old-fashioned.

now!

Let’s get down to business. And by that I mean you should start a business and please make these for me.

 

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norma

Have you ever watched Sunset Boulevard starring William Holden, Erich von Stroheim, and the unconquerable Gloria Swanson? If not, I won’t mind if you open Netflix or find some other method to stop everything you’re doing just to watch it right now. I can wait.

As you (now) know, this film is a masterpiece of cinema which laid bare the cruelty of these things: aging, celebrity, Hollywood, youth, pride, vanity, EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE, and probably some other stuff. I’m not writing a thoughtful essay here! It did nothing to fix any of it, as far as I know, but it is interesting to see how the old silent stars were thought of and treated in the 1950s. I imagine that the cycle continues and the young talent of today considers the actors and actresses of the 80s and 90s to be weird old fossils from another time. I assume that the fate of Norma Desmond is what every actress fears for her future — or maybe kind of wants it, who am I to say?

None of us will ever be as rich as she was, or as influential in any industry, that is a certainty. I have made a little maze so that we can pretend to know what it’s like. From the comfort of your ostentatious manor, embark upon the wobbly journey to your great return. You will encounter all kinds of obstacles from nostalgic reveries to suicide attempts to homicide, but if you can keep your focus, you’ll be in the pictures again. You’ll get the attention you deserve, you icon. You legend.

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We know you love to color, and you know we love to make delightful drawings of ourselves in our ideal lives, living together, as a group of actual friends. In the same place. Ideally, that place is sometime in the 1920s but only for purely aesthetic reasons. According to illustrations of that era, everyone was abnormally thin and lithe. They didn’t walk, they slithered. And that’s how we are too, on some level.

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masks

When two friends hold a casual conversation, sometimes it turns into an unexpected confession. Sometimes, it is revealed that one or both of the conversationalists are terrible people, on the inside. In this real life chat that really did happen, cchris seems like he is maybe worried, or at least taking mental notes for some purpose or another, but I’m sure I was just saying what he had already thought for himself before. I’m CERTAIN.

Please, enjoy this comic. And please, don’t run away from me.

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Too often I find myself searching for a cult to join and finding only religious ones, or creepy death cults, or what could turn out to be a highly illegal sex cult. Much like shopping for trouser-pants, it’s so hard to find a perfect fit! But what is a cult? Why, it’s anything you want it to be, baybee, and therein lies the appeal.

You hear about cults a lot in the news, from time to time, and it’s everyone’s dream to be on the front page at some point. Stop waiting for Fate to strike, and instead take Destiny into your own hands. Attract people to you, make them chant and obey you, dress them however you like, and pick a snazzy name. It’s as easy as that! Enjoy the thrills of having a mass of people flock to you and believe you to be the answer to all of life’s troubles. Who needs a significant other when you can have a modest assemblage of worshipers?

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Zelda Sayre Fitzgerald was born on July 24, 1900, and was the original quintessential irrepressible flapper of the times. Her life was a tumultuous roller coaster of good times and high drama, sailing high, young and beautiful, and then crashing into an insane asylum that burned to the ground with her still inside when she was about forty seven years old.

Not only did she inspire F. Scott Fitzgerald’s entire literary career, she was also the inspiration for a video game series I have never played: the Legend of Zelda. I can only imagine that it revolves around F. Scott Linkgerald wandering around a warped and terrifying fantasyland, trying to locate the eight pieces of her sanity, which she smashed to pieces due to some prophesy or something. There are villains who also resemble F. Scott and a lot of confusing social situations involving elixirs of booze and bathtub gin.

I have drawn Princess Zelda in honor of all of this.

princess zelda by Amanda Wood