It surprises no one, I’m sure, to discover that my secret hidden talent and life path dream is to become the slogan generator of a tourism board somewhere — anywhere! My old pal Esther came to me one day, long ago, with news coming from that harrowing icy land that is so very, very far away. It was a genius effort on their part to generate interest, I’m sure. And that’s all! So I decided to help, too. Then I decided to REALLY help by making it a comic that other people might actually see. I’m sure I didn’t need to convince Esther all that much, after all.
Click on the comic below if you want to see the adorable detail or whatever. And Siberia, you can thank me later for the good I have done here.
Crystals are all the rage right now. People are lauding their mystical healing powers, imbued from sacred vibrations in sync with the Sacred Earth Mother homeopathic chakra feng shui. Or something. You can understand why, when a hunk of quartz is $7.25 at your local Crystal Emporium and Mud Spa whereas actual medical treatment in the United States is $1850 just for them to print and send you the bill. It’s easy to see the appeal of eating a fistful of quinoa, taping a garnet to your forehead and hoping for the best.
That is not to say that the healing powers of crystals are devoid of merit. I’ve done some research, and while I’ve found countless sources telling you WHAT each kind of crystal or stone is good for, there’s very little documentation on HOW to use them to best effect. It’s hard to find a reliable druid in this day and age.
Once again, Sneer Campaign is here to help. I have tirelessly scoured the internet, head shops, rock shows, Burning Man-type peyote appropriations, and exactly one florist. Presented here is the Sneer Campaign Guide to Optimal Crystal Implementation.
Too often I find myself searching for a cult to join and finding only religious ones, or creepy death cults, or what could turn out to be a highly illegal sex cult. Much like shopping for trouser-pants, it’s so hard to find a perfect fit! But what is a cult? Why, it’s anything you want it to be, baybee, and therein lies the appeal.
You hear about cults a lot in the news, from time to time, and it’s everyone’s dream to be on the front page at some point. Stop waiting for Fate to strike, and instead take Destiny into your own hands. Attract people to you, make them chant and obey you, dress them however you like, and pick a snazzy name. It’s as easy as that! Enjoy the thrills of having a mass of people flock to you and believe you to be the answer to all of life’s troubles. Who needs a significant other when you can have a modest assemblage of worshipers?
We have previously provided some detailed voodoo spell instructions for securing your love. But maybe you want more than love? It is 2017 after all, and love is dumb and we’re pretty sure it was made up by the brothers Grimm. Having a partner is so 2014, and there are more important considerations, such as money or your video games.
Gather the necessary materials, put on a stern smirk, and find a quiet, empty room. We recommend doing these fake spells on an altar cloth of some sort. Personally, I use my favorite pillowcase. It’s very cute. Just as before, you’ll have to update your witchery to the modern era for these spells, so get out your smartphone and your social media accounts, your sage, and let’s get down and dirty.
Do you want to know the future? I sure do. If you could tell the future perfectly, life would be pretty great; the obvious example being picking lottery numbers. I mean, sure, money corrupts, but how much fun is being uncorrupt? I’ve tried it. It’s not fun at all.
Other things that divination is good for:
- finding the “right one” for you
- avoiding disasters
- coming to grips with the sudden death of loved ones
- determining whether to get out of bed in the morning
- determining whether you should worry about that mole on your butt
Divination: good for Everything
According to the ancient art of Almanackery, each day of every year is not just a good day to do a thing, but it is the BEST day to do it. Previous almanacs are there to tell a farmer when to plan certain seeds, or slaughter certain animals, or any number of extremely useful things. I’m not sure if doing these things on certain days mean that the activity will go smoothly, or maybe grant abundant crops, or… maybe it gives the farmer good luck, generally? Maybe they appease the almanac gods by going along with their whims of the year.
The good news is that we at the Old Sneerist Almanac have come up with dates and activities that are actually useful to YOU, Junior Sneerists and well-wishers! We used the twin sciences of Intuition and Deadlines to conjure up a perfect year for you. Not all activities will apply to you, each entry is simply a fact that you can cash in on. Following our calendar will bestow you with general good luck, a lack of negative consequences for your actions, and/or praise. You can’t lose! And if at any point you feel like you are losing, remind yourself that any time you suffer, you will be rewarded with dizzying success at a later date. Everything’s okay!
Print out each month below, as you need to. Good luck, Sneeros! We love you.
For millennia, human beings have desperately wanted to be able to see into the future. Originally, they needed to predict which way the herds would roam, or when the chieftain would die. Eventually, the focus turned to the weather. Droughts could destroy communities. Floods and storms could wreck lives or sink cargo vessels. Blizzards could kill whole herds of meat animals. Livelihoods really depended on which way the wind blew.
Nowadays, the climate and environment obviously doesn’t matter anymore. Natural disasters? Pfff. Merely an inconvenience to some, a surreal topic of conversation to others, and ratings boosts to still others. Most of us will be caught wholly unprepared for a rainstorm on any given day, and we don’t care because if we catch a cold it won’t turn into a fatal consumptive disease. At least, not yet.
It is time to update the folksy folklore to reflect the interests of now. It is time for little rhymes to guide your actions, to remind you of the things that are true. Or could be true. Or are true enough. Just act like they’re true. In this instance, it’s not going to hurt you if you do.
Hello, I am an artist. Actually, that isn’t exactly true. I am a person who has artistic ability, and am skilled in illustration. I have never really felt like an “artist,” even though it is my sole source of income and is practically “”my career”” I guess. I don’t really relate to the term, though. I always say it like it is an absurd claim. I don’t think it is because I feel like an impostor. I generally feel confident that I can do an art, if commissioned to do so. But I never use art to express myself.
I think I have always thought an artist is supposed to create because they are compelled to do so. They will JUST DIE if they do not take what is broiling inside of them and release it onto a canvas or some clay thing, or whatever they are into, artistically. They have these emotions and then use something to portray the emotions to a receptive, sometimes critical audience. Meanwhile, I will like draw a series of frowny faces if I am sad, or if I am angry I draw a scribble mark. Whee!
I don’t really feel saddened by this. I don’t feel like I have a block that prevents me from expressing myself. Sure, I occasionally worry that it is because I am some sort of soulless ghoul that doesn’t feel, but then I remind myself that that is my whole life goal, and anyway I do have emotions! Way too many of them! I just weep in darkness, or confide in one of my few friends, that’s all. I have no need to make a picture to feel better. Or at least that’s what I always thought to be true. But then I joined an app thing called Miitomo.
It’s ANY DAY OF THE WEEK and without a doubt every single person who might ever read this DEFINITELY needs to get fit, fast! Faster! Any minute of the day is the right time to inform you that you are blubbery and unsightly and obviously need to start exercising because, honey, that portion control diet that relies on self-control just AIN’T workin’ for you. At least, this is what I have gleaned from watching any television, seeing any magazine, or overhearing anyone trying to make money at the expense of the insecurities of others. And who isn’t, amirite?
Well let me tell you that THIS article CAN’T fail. It’s my very own method towards a better me, and friends, if I use it, then it HAS to be good. It is also probably based on science because I am wearing a lab coat as I write this. And my name tag says “Dr. Amandoll, nutritionology fitness expert.” It’s not like I do anything else but sit around and THINK all the time, right? So I clearly have all the answers. I think that’s all it takes to make me Qualified, right? Right? Well, if you believe it, it’s good enough for me, and let’s never bring the Courts into it.
Handwriting Analysis is a terribly complicated matter. Like palmistry, it is unnecessarily complicated for the less-than-stellar results you wind up harvesting. I guess that concludes my article! Well, I’ll say more about it, I guess. If you insist.
Graphology says that things like the size of the loop on your lowercase ‘d’ has a very huge significance in what it says about your personality. In the various books on the subject I have glanced through, they all agree that if you write on an unlined page, and your sentences go upward, you are optimistic. But that if it goes downward, you are pessimistic. Or, at least, you are supposedly optimistic or pessimistic at the time of writing those sentences. Or, maybe you just had the paper at an angle when you wrote it. And if you forget to dot your “i” – oh, heavens! That either means that you are forgetful, or the type of person who rushes, or maybe you were in a hurry at the time of writing. But in order to make graphology seem more legitimate or something, they always have to sound all the way certain and take these maybe-statements and turn them into things like: “You forgot to dot an i? You are a lazy, forgetful mess who leaves everything until the last minute!”