get em tiger

Sleeping is a magical world of dreams and rest, but it sure does take up a lot of time! Ideally, you should be getting seven to nine hours of sleep per night, but some you true go-getters out there might writhe in discomfort to imagine spending so much time in bed instead of working or learning or whatever productive things you like to do. “I can sleep when I’m DEAD,” you dramatically scream in between swigs of coffee and other stimulants, as you read more, work harder, exercise more healthfully, etc.

Well, you can’t exactly work while in bed, unless you’re awake at the same time, obviously. You know what I mean. But you can learn while you sleep! Allegedly. And heal in ways that maybe you never anticipated, also allegedly. God knows I have been lured in by the glamour of multi-tasking sleep and bettering myself beyond the beauty rest I crave. Has it worked? Who knows! But here are some of the YouTube Sleepytime University courses I have taken over the years, on nights when I am not sleep watching cartoons or sleep listening to soothing ambient sounds.

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Picture it, you’ve just moved into a beautiful new home in a safe and happy neighborhood with manicured lawns. You’ve unpacked all your essentials, changed your address, and turned on your utilities… now it’s time to make an impression. A big one. You want your new neighbors to know how charming, intelligent, and definitely innocent you are.

childlissa

We’ve gathered a few ways that you can really make a name for yourself in your new town, while only raising a little bit of suspicion, instead of a lot. Say hello to your new neighbors in a way that violently screams, “I LIVE VERY CLOSE TO YOU NOW.” It’s a lot of work, but so is the social contract of a suburban neighborhood.

 

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We all have our different methods for getting some writing done here at Sneer Campaign. I use a few different methods, myself. They all work pretty well, but not always. Sometimes I need an extra push, or just to switch it up a bit. Sometimes I need a whole new method, so one day this list will be longer. And sometimes nothing works, and we put up an old omgj content, thank goodness.

write

If you’re looking to write a whole bunch of posts for your own site, or anything even remotely similar, I have some very specific-to-me-and-to-Sneer-Campaign tips just for you! So please enjoy this meta post, written because I had no other ideas one day.

 

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With Halloween just around the corner, it’s the perfect time for watching good-natured, goofy, scary movies, and it is also the perfect time for reinventing yourself with a bold New Fall Look.

Might I suggest, for both of these things, 1987’s A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors.

dressed

This movie is about a group of teenagers who have been committed to a psychiatric ward because they keep having nightmares about Freddy Kreuger, who is a kind of ghost, I suppose, who appears in your dreams and then tries to kill you. They must learn to work together to defeat Freddy, and they discover that when they are dreaming they each have special powers that relate to their personalities. They become the DREAM WARRIORS.

They also wear some nice outfits, which I think would look good on you.

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As funny as death is, it also has a serious side. It isn’t ONLY fun and games; you owe it to yourself and others to plan for it and treat it as the solemn event that it deserves. I can think of nothing worse than to find out that you do leave a ghost, and that ghost is embarrassed by a lackluster death and shortly-after events. Eternal damnation has many faces.

Many questions arise when one is faced with the great beyond. Where will I be buried? Will my no-good wife and ingrate children have enough money to squander on shit? Will I die while masturbating? As an expert, I will provide you with a few responsible steps to consider when preparing for death.

dr deathtopus

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As a writer, you may hit a point in your career where you’d like to torpedo your reputation and the goodwill that readers have toward you. I’m not going to lie to you: it may be tough. There may be fans who stand by you in spite of anything you could say or do, personally or professionally. Those are the earmarks of true stardom. I’ve got some strategies that you might want to employ and techniques that suit them.

hot tips

 

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We’ve covered some other voodoo spells previously, for love and for life. But it’s the future, and we know that what you really care about is your career and how much you’re making. Work is everything. You spend all your time there, and even more time getting there. Your coworkers are your de facto friends, and your manager might as well be your mother (Hi John!).

Are you struggling with the amount of work you have? Upset that business hours haven’t adapted to the real world in 2017? Sick of spending half the day at your desk just because you’re obligated to appear as if there’s still work to do, lest they decide to let you go?

voooo

 

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Ordinarily it is a fact that you “get what you pay for” − but not on the Sneer Campaign! We do love to give you quality art that is guaranteed to work, however it’s supposed to work. Usually it is a coloring page, but today you get some nice cards to print out at your leisure. The only thing it will cost you is in printer ink. Or possibly in an entire printer because they have been making it so that it is cheaper to buy a new printer than to buy an ink cartridge. Save those angry letters for the printer manufacturers! We are here to get you and another a sense of relief and satisfaction and — dare we say it? Miraculous and immediate cures. We will, ourselves, be testing each and every one of these out on Daniel Haun, who is still battling his monster of an ailment to varying degrees in various ways.

get well forever

Actually we will cater to the millennials who are banding together to kill the printer industry, and allow you to just do the ol’ right-click and copy image url, or save the image, if you want, AS WELL AS an option to print out a paper card which you can then write inside of. We will even give you some possible sentiments to scrawl inside of them with your lunatic writing. This is how much we care about you and sentiments.

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Honor, stalk, creep out — whatever you want to call it, this loving activity that you can do publicly or very much in secret, with the subject being a dear friend, acquaintance, or total stranger, is a cathartic creative process. We of course know all about what to do and how to do it with a mastery of style and much enthusiasm and we would like to teach you, the whole world, how to do it too.

In my demonstration today, I will use our friend, Frant. It is his birthday and he is deserving of all of the heavy-handed, cloying, and terrifying respect that we can lob his way. The goal is to make anyone you wish to adore feel like they are drowning in it, if they were to find out. “It” could here mean “the pleasure of being worshiped” or “the fear of being trapped somehow.” Different people give rise to different scenarios, but we know that unlike cchris, Frant will enjoy this. At least HE HAD BETTER.

we love you

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Communities and cultures both small and large develop their own habits and traits. Along with their stories and traditions, superstitions tend to emerge. We are no different, of course.

When we say, “let’s post before 2 pm” it becomes almost inevitable that anything after that won’t get published until around 11:30 pm. We have to assume that any time we recruit a new writer, they will immediately get writer’s block for a few months or so. And god forbid you start your day by saying your Sneer work will be “easy.”

superstitious fools

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