Any time a new animal friend enters my life, I find myself considering what name would suit it. I don’t mean that I take fifteen minutes before settling on the forever-name. I mean I draw up charts and make lists and say each word hundreds of times. I consult numerology and tea leaves and the phases of the moon. I read baby name books and dictionaries and look at the shapes of clouds hoping that one will inspire me suitably.

Perhaps many of you think I am going overboard when it comes to this sort of thing, but I used to stress over naming my Sims, too, so this is how seriously I take names! A pet will live out its entire lifespan (which it will obviously be spending entirely with you, responsible pet owner), so the name is crucial. You will be saying this word repeatedly, and eventually, engraving it on a little stone monument to mark its place in a pet cemetery. It’s the most important thing to this animal, after food, water, shelter, and pettings.

gimme name

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If you’re like me, you think that time spent in the bathroom could be used for some other things. Multitasking is essential in 2017 and if you aren’t doing something while you piss no matter how few seconds it takes, it’s wasted time.

learn always

June is Bathroom Reading Month, so clear off that shelf of toilet paper and toss it under the sink. Dust if off and turn it into your Bathroom Bookshelf or your “Poop Library,” if you’re feeling elegant. Show up to your social events with new and interesting things to say, all because you drink the right amount of water or ate too much fruit.

 

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intro to comic

I joke around all the time but I never really “tell jokes.” That’s just not my style. On the particular day of this comic, I told one of the very few jokes in my arsenal and it did not play out as it should have, as usual. However, also as usual, the result was something that I found to be far funnier than the original punchline. That is really the only value in traditional jokes for me. I like to watch them get out of hand and turn into their own thing that probably makes only me laugh.

That is also my style whenever I write any article, fyi. I do what I can!

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It’s May and that means, without a doubt, that it is Spring! The birds and the butterflies and bees are coming out, along with the flowers, grass, and big leafy trees.

Well, today we’ve got a simple craft you can do to make an adorable bird feeder just in time for your local feathery pals to visit and have a snack. This craft is brought to you by our nonprofit charity Wilder Friends, where we help bring bird feeders and butterfly gardens to public places and to organizations who need it.

feed some friends

 

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As someone who is not a practitioner of magick, my experience lies mostly with pop culture. However, from that, it’s pretty clear that you are not supposed to do love spells. They come with heaps of warnings, implications of “you’ll get what you deserve,” and laced with the irony of a Disney movie wish. Why does it come up so often? Because those are the spells everyone wants to do, obviously.

But in this day and age, you probably can’t use those old-timey love spells to enchant a handkerchief or to seal a spell with your very first kiss ever. You’ll have to update your witchery to the modern era for these, so get out your smartphone and your social media accounts, your sage, and your love/lust/obsession.

voodoo cupid

Here are some spells that you can maybe use on the object of your desire:

 

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Normally I make a point of it to not cover ground that has already been covered to death. I just don’t mess with it. I know many of you are saying, “But the internet has a million seduction guides up already.” That much is true. They are all well and good, or not so good, and could probably net you a person of average ability, appearance, and expectation, if they are among the better variety. Fine if you are into that kind of thing. Personally, I’m not much for child’s play. So while the other guides might get you some ass, I’m here to get you some class.

Now I’m not giving you ALL of my secrets here. It isn’t fair to the women of the world for me to unleash an army of men they have no ability to resist. Sorry guys, you ain’t leaving with a full stomach, but I ain’t so mean that I’m not going to throw you some scraps. These tips will help you get a leg up, possibly a second leg up, but it is up to you as to whether or not you get that third leg up. As for the rest of you with the manly gender as a target, I am sure these same suggestions can work for you. Hell, any human being of any orientation seeking any other being can probably use this guide just fine. However, I can only really speak for my own self − and I have no complaints.

get it get it

 

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Ordinarily it is a fact that you “get what you pay for” − but not on the Sneer Campaign! We do love to give you quality art that is guaranteed to work, however it’s supposed to work. Usually it is a coloring page, but today you get some nice cards to print out at your leisure. The only thing it will cost you is in printer ink. Or possibly in an entire printer because they have been making it so that it is cheaper to buy a new printer than to buy an ink cartridge. Save those angry letters for the printer manufacturers! We are here to earn you some affection and, dare we say it? Truluv.

say you love me

Actually we will cater to the millennials who are banding together to kill the printer industry, and allow you to just do the ol’ right-click and copy image url, or save the image, if you want, AS WELL AS an option to print out a paper card which you can then write inside of. We will even give you some possible sentiments to scrawl inside of them with your lunatic writing. This is how much we care about you and romance.

 

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Almanac Cover

According to the ancient art of Almanackery, each day of every year is not just a good day to do a thing, but it is the BEST day to do it. Previous almanacs are there to tell a farmer when to plan certain seeds, or slaughter certain animals, or any number of extremely useful things. I’m not sure if doing these things on certain days mean that the activity will go smoothly, or maybe grant abundant crops, or… maybe it gives the farmer good luck, generally? Maybe they appease the almanac gods by going along with their whims of the year.

The good news is that we at the Old Sneerist Almanac have come up with dates and activities that are actually useful to YOU, Junior Sneerists and well-wishers! We used the twin sciences of Intuition and Deadlines to conjure up a perfect year for you. Not all activities will apply to you, each entry is simply a fact that you can cash in on. Following our calendar will bestow you with general good luck, a lack of negative consequences for your actions, and/or praise. You can’t lose! And if at any point you feel like you are losing, remind yourself that any time you suffer, you will be rewarded with dizzying success at a later date. Everything’s okay!

Print out each month below, as you need to. Good luck, Sneeros! We love you.

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know the future based on anything at all

For millennia, human beings have desperately wanted to be able to see into the future. Originally, they needed to predict which way the herds would roam, or when the chieftain would die. Eventually, the focus turned to the weather. Droughts could destroy communities. Floods and storms could wreck lives or sink cargo vessels. Blizzards could kill whole herds of meat animals. Livelihoods really depended on which way the wind blew.

Nowadays, the climate and environment obviously doesn’t matter anymore. Natural disasters? Pfff. Merely an inconvenience to some, a surreal topic of conversation to others, and ratings boosts to still others. Most of us will be caught wholly unprepared for a rainstorm on any given day, and we don’t care because if we catch a cold it won’t turn into a fatal consumptive disease. At least, not yet.

It is time to update the folksy folklore to reflect the interests of now. It is time for little rhymes to guide your actions, to remind you of the things that are true. Or could be true. Or are true enough. Just act like they’re true. In this instance, it’s not going to hurt you if you do.

 

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