The human celebrity is a creature that is much sought-after indeed. For whatever reason, these celebrity people have given up any chance of privacy or normal living so that they can be recognized wherever they go, mobbed by crowds of frightening strangers, followed by photographers, ambushed by undercover police, and hunted by stalkers. I suppose they enjoy all of that attention, and of course also the millions of dollars that are delivered to them by dump truck every morning. It would be all peaches and sunshine if these famous people could get attention, cash dollars, and sprawling mansions without having to feel annoyed or even occasionally terrified. It would be rainbows and roses if they could only be seen in clubs and restaurants and gated communities where only other pretty people with equal levels of wealth and fame could see each other and they’d never ever be bothered by gross icky nobodies like the rest of us.
However, this is simply not the case.
Modern celebrities must indulge us by appearing to be reasonably nice and approachable (preferably without having to demonstrate these traits too often) because if they do not, then their beloved popularity can suffer. And popularity is very, very important. If they fall out of favor, it is sometimes quite difficult to ever return to their former glory.
I am going to explain to you all how to wheedle yourselves into the lives of any celebrity of your choosing by coming across as charming, lovely, and worthwhile through written letters. You’ll thank me when this is all over, although I may get some anger from the famous person quadrant if you don’t get it right, so please pay attention.
There are a lot of different kind of gift-givers out there. Some are good, some are bad. Some are confusing, while some give you comfort. Also, some people don’t give gifts (I’m looking at you, little sister). It’s fine though. Being good or bad, there or not, in regards to presents, does not make you a good or bad person.
If you don’t give gifts because you’re bad at it, I’m here to help. If you don’t give them because you just don’t want to, there is no help for you. I’m also here to help if you’re bad at it, and still give them. Hey you, that’s an A for effort!
There are a lot of methods for organizing yourself out there, especially lately. Sure, we’ve always had to-do lists and calendars and sticky notes, but now we have Bullet Journal and things like Evernote. Some people, as always, still use the Being An Adult Human and Both Remembering and Accomplishing Everything Without a Crazy List and Notebook Procedure, or The Sandy Cohen, as I like to call it.
Here at Sneer Campaign, we do not use any of those above methods. That is because we have our very own fool-proof system for organization.
Pyramidology claims that pyramids can have many beneficial affects upon people, using Mystical Pyramid Forces and also possibly Ancient Aliens. Problem is, you have to pay $29.95 for the book, AND THEN get abducted by aliens, escape the Probing Chamber, steal their Harmony Crystal Pyramid power source, and then make it to the escape pods before the saucer crashes into Roswell. Fortunately, I am here to tell you their secretive pyramid secrets, and how to use a pyramid here on Earth to achieve some popular Pyramid Tasks!
As usual, click to make it larger.
We humans have always been preoccupied with the end of our civilization. Sure, we have pocket-sized computers that can send signals across undersea cables to people on other continents virtually instantaneously, but on the other hand, a disturbing number of us use this to send pictures of our genitals to these people, often while driving. So it’s understandable that we tend to think our glory days of international space stations and individually wrapped cheese slices are numbered, and that we’re just one drunken diplomat away from going back to drawing penis gods in caves and killing each other with rocks and twigs.
Some even look forward to this day, convinced that they’re special and chosen and have what it takes to survive the aftermath of a global pandemic, when the fit 21-year-old they watch jog by three times a day from their sofa does not. You won’t be winded after yank-starting your lawnmower then, no sir! You’ll be the leader of a grizzled group of survivors, fighting daily for survival and eagerly scarfing down a bag of dry lentils as your first food in three days. Who needs a coffee shop on every corner and plentiful food? Bring on the economic riots!
This mindset has spawned a subculture called “Doomsday Preppers,” who spend much of their free time converting basements and digging backyard bunkers because they know that a major civilizational collapse is coming, and some bottled water and freeze-dried burritos are going to help them survive a good six weeks longer than the rest of us. There doesn’t seem to be a consensus among this community as to which doomsday is coming. Some wait for nuclear holocaust, others for economic collapse, yet more for ecological disaster, and many just sit among their pallets of creamed corn and rock back and forth while murmuring “Obama” over and over.
I know you want in on this action before you are stuck in the ruins of a major city fleeing from a group of sexual cannibals chasing you on scooters with spikes welded to them while they wear discarded football gear, so here’s what you need to know to build a fortified bunker to escape to, along with several attractive members of your preferred gender who will show up just like in those movies on Showtime.
If you’re like me, then you go outside a lot, despite what the petitions say. And if you go outside, you notice people. Just look at all of those people. Too many people, if you ask me. This is but one of many reasons I want my own private submarine and volcano lair. But I digress.
Frequently on my excursions I see curious people wearing bushy beards, busy plaid shirts, suspenders, cargo shorts, and black socks. They stand out to me not for that reason, but because so many people would curse and fling oranges at them. I thought they were immigrants from some Eastern European country, saying words like “Fair Trade” and “Decemberists.” But it turns out they are “Hipsters,” a relatively new culture that it is “in” to hate, taking the place the emos had until we as a society finally began to realize that it was cruel to mock the mentally ill.
Now, no one wants to be hated, not even Carrot Top. We all know the need to conform to the tastes and expectations of society, and so I have made this guide to help you avoid the unforgivable social pitfall that is having atypical tastes in a non-trendy fashion. Follow these rules and you’ll be a Bold Trendsetter without having to resort to thinking about your personality and deciding how you want to express yourself in a way that pleases you.
I have based this guide upon my own observations, gleaned from countless minutes skipping through Arcade Fire concert bootlegs on YouTube and everything that has ever been uploaded to Instagram. Follow this guide and you will be Popular. Finally, I am going to focus on men as women, you already know that there’s nothing you can wear, no style you can present, no hygiene routine you can follow that will prevent you from being swiftly and brutally judged by all who see you. Just look at yourself in the mirror and see all of the flaws society has taught you are real. Just stay inside in the dark until some man comes to rescue you. There is no other hope. No hope at all.
From time to time, I lose my mind and become convinced that I drink too much coffee. I know people are always doing some sort of martyred brag-lamentation about the truly colossal amounts of coffee that they drink in a day, but I’m not one of those. I drink very small amounts of coffee, only two to four cups a day, but I drink it EVERY day. Sometimes I notice that if my coffeedrink routine gets messed up, my personality takes a turn for the worse. Sometimes when I notice that, I become indignant! How dare coffee treat me like that! So then I resolve to show it a thing or two about dependency and I quit it.
I have heard of people quitting all of caffeine, but I have never done that. I just sometimes quit drinking coffee but then switch off to heroic amounts of tea. As great as tea is, it never seems to be a good replacement for the coffee caffeine that my body apparently has grown to need. Tea is there for drinking after the coffee has been finished for the day. Therefore, I have probably not even experienced actual caffeine withdrawal to the fullest extent. Even so, once when I quit only-coffee for two weeks, I had a seven day long headache that did not respond to medication, as well as feelings of impending death that lasted for the same length of time.
Maybe you have been thinking that you could use a break from coffee? Perhaps you are like me, and resent that you are apparently HOOKED. Perhaps you would like to prove to yourself and your coffee that you can stop any time you want. As a seasoned veteran of quitting the bitter bean, I am here to help you. Quick! Take my tremoring hand as I take you down the dark and frightening path to potentially healthier living!