Around here, we always have lofty goals. We always have had lofty goals! On one such occasion, cchris and I decided for about five minutes that our time would be best spent as a writing POWERHOUSE duo for writing romance novels. I mean, we are both experts, and we have big ideas that should be lucrative. As you can see in this comic, things were actually going incredibly well, and we should write a little of it every day and then release a line of romance novels on Amazon’s self-publishing services. Isn’t that the dream? Isn’t that the reality of thousands of people? Thousands of MILLIONAIRES from their author career paths they’ve chosen. God I mean look at how well I’m writing today!
Clearly this is the best destiny I’ve got going. Click the comic, if necessary.
As you must know, YouTube is great for entertainment, but it is also great for learning and for sleeping and for calming down — all kinds of things! Little by little, I have been expanding the ways in which I depend on YouTube every single day. I don’t maintain manicured playlists of things which get deleted, nor do I upload my own videos, even though some day I will be a YouTube star of some kind. I mean, isn’t that the modern dream?
One of the things I rely on YouTube for is lectures. Now, don’t get me wrong, I generally hate lectures. In school, I had the hardest time in the world paying attention to a lecturer. And really, when I listen to lectures on here, I am not really paying the best attention. I have listened to dozens of them but I probably couldn’t tell you what they were even about! That’s okay though because I use them sort of as a blend of music and ambient sounds. And my favest of the faves, who I return to time and time again, is Aldous Huxley, as you probably gathered from the title. Give him a try with this little one, if you please.
We have previously provided some detailed voodoo spell instructions for securing your love. But maybe you want more than love? It is 2017 after all, and love is dumb and we’re pretty sure it was made up by the brothers Grimm. Having a partner is so 2014, and there are more important considerations, such as money or your video games.
Gather the necessary materials, put on a stern smirk, and find a quiet, empty room. We recommend doing these fake spells on an altar cloth of some sort. Personally, I use my favorite pillowcase. It’s very cute. Just as before, you’ll have to update your witchery to the modern era for these spells, so get out your smartphone and your social media accounts, your sage, and let’s get down and dirty.
The first documented instance of Dollissa Day was held in Sunrise, Florida, in 1986. Two cultures came together to celebrate this birth event of a teeny tiny Jewish-Puerto Rican baby who was no larger than a thimble. Her small size was a surprise to one and all because a C-section had been ordered. A humble granite marker will soon mark the operating room in which this miracle was performed, courtesy of the enthusiastic support of the entire population of the town.
Being an accomplished world traveler, several locations around the world have shrines dedicated to places where she has sat and complained, and to other places where she has fallen over and injured herself in seemingly impossible ways. From Natal to Las Vegas, including Turks and Caicos, Machu Picchu, Italy, and Israel, good people gather ’round to tell stories of her achievements, and boast of personal contact and interactions that they may have experienced.
It’s May and that means, without a doubt, that it is Spring! The birds and the butterflies and bees are coming out, along with the flowers, grass, and big leafy trees.
Well, today we’ve got a simple craft you can do to make an adorable bird feeder just in time for your local feathery pals to visit and have a snack. This craft is brought to you by our nonprofit charity Wilder Friends, where we help bring bird feeders and butterfly gardens to public places and to organizations who need it.
Happy birthday, David Attenborough! And happy David Attenborough’s Birthday to all of you out there in Sneeryland. I am sure you all know of this legend, this gift to the world, and have watched all five million documentaries he has been a part of. An inspiration both far and wide, his love of travel and dedication to studying and sharing knowledge about animals and the natural world is a glorious thing to behold, and characteristics we would all do well to embrace, ourselves. Each and every one of us.
Below, you will find a coloring page that shows just a few of the animals he has seen with his own eyes: tortoise, various birds of paradise, zedbra, bat, sugarglider, gerenuk, tree frog, red panda, sifaka lemur, marmoset, monarch butterfly. And one he hasn’t seen alive: the trilobite. Also, behind them all in pieces are forest, desert, tundra, grassland, and marine ecosystems. I tell you this because it might be hard to tell, and might help you in your coloring efforts. This drawing is a loving, yet meager attempt to show just a little of what he has seen, this great man who is very probably the most-traveled human being to ever exist.
The 90’s decade was a glamorous year for any of us in the teenage bracket. Sure, Seventeen Magazine had “new clothes” that you should buy in order to be popular, but truthfully they were just expensive new versions of the attire the rest of us found in thrift stores, the closets or floors of friends and friends’ family, or, occasionally, pretty much just in the actual street.
On April 5, 1908, little Ruth E. Davis was born in Massachusetts. Always strong-willed and determined, she eventually became a great actress in many classic films and even on stage. She is iconic, an inspiration. Her self-esteem is its own legend and her willingness to be forthright and not at all shy about voicing unpopular opinions must have been very liberating. She’s our chosen face of Sneer Campaign, and we reference her in our daily lives as much as we can.
This brings us to this day, one of the most important religious holidays for us. Although celebrated around the world, the suggested activities are somewhat new and traditions are still being formed for St. Bette Day. However, there are some things that are always appropriate. You can do one of these, or do them all in a whirlwind that other people will have to remember for you because you’ll be having too much fun. You’ll have to just remember April 6th, the Day of the Strangely Satisfying Hangover. No regrets!
As someone who is not a practitioner of magick, my experience lies mostly with pop culture. However, from that, it’s pretty clear that you are not supposed to do love spells. They come with heaps of warnings, implications of “you’ll get what you deserve,” and laced with the irony of a Disney movie wish. Why does it come up so often? Because those are the spells everyone wants to do, obviously.
But in this day and age, you probably can’t use those old-timey love spells to enchant a handkerchief or to seal a spell with your very first kiss ever. You’ll have to update your witchery to the modern era for these, so get out your smartphone and your social media accounts, your sage, and your love/lust/obsession.
Here are some spells that you can maybe use on the object of your desire:
According to the ancient art of Almanackery, each day of every year is not just a good day to do a thing, but it is the BEST day to do it. Previous almanacs are there to tell a farmer when to plan certain seeds, or slaughter certain animals, or any number of extremely useful things. I’m not sure if doing these things on certain days mean that the activity will go smoothly, or maybe grant abundant crops, or… maybe it gives the farmer good luck, generally? Maybe they appease the almanac gods by going along with their whims of the year.
The good news is that we at the Old Sneerist Almanac have come up with dates and activities that are actually useful to YOU, Junior Sneerists and well-wishers! We used the twin sciences of Intuition and Deadlines to conjure up a perfect year for you. Not all activities will apply to you, each entry is simply a fact that you can cash in on. Following our calendar will bestow you with general good luck, a lack of negative consequences for your actions, and/or praise. You can’t lose! And if at any point you feel like you are losing, remind yourself that any time you suffer, you will be rewarded with dizzying success at a later date. Everything’s okay!
Print out each month below, as you need to. Good luck, Sneeros! We love you.