On October 19, 1945, Baltimore was introduced to a little bundle of joy called Glenn Milstead. About twenty years later, the WORLD was blessed by the creation of Divine. Let us all join hands and sing praises for this beauty queen, this iconic role model to young and old, rich and poor alike, regardless of gender, orientation, or social status.

There isn’t much more to say, except that you can click the image to enlarge it, if you need even more Divine in your life.

Divine by Amanda Wood

If you’re like me, then you go outside a lot, despite what the petitions say. And if you go outside, you notice people. Just look at all of those people. Too many people, if you ask me. This is but one of many reasons I want my own private submarine and volcano lair. But I digress.

Frequently on my excursions I see curious people wearing bushy beards, busy plaid shirts, suspenders, cargo shorts, and black socks. They stand out to me not for that reason, but because so many people would curse and fling oranges at them. I thought they were immigrants from some Eastern European country, saying words like “Fair Trade” and “Decemberists.” But it turns out they are “Hipsters,” a relatively new culture that it is “in” to hate, taking the place the emos had until we as a society finally began to realize that it was cruel to mock the mentally ill.

Now, no one wants to be hated, not even Carrot Top. We all know the need to conform to the tastes and expectations of society, and so I have made this guide to help you avoid the unforgivable social pitfall that is having atypical tastes in a non-trendy fashion. Follow these rules and you’ll be a Bold Trendsetter without having to resort to thinking about your personality and deciding how you want to express yourself in a way that pleases you.

Style

I have based this guide upon my own observations, gleaned from countless minutes skipping through Arcade Fire concert bootlegs on YouTube and everything that has ever been uploaded to Instagram. Follow this guide and you will be Popular. Finally, I am going to focus on men as women, you already know that there’s nothing you can wear, no style you can present, no hygiene routine you can follow that will prevent you from being swiftly and brutally judged by all who see you. Just look at yourself in the mirror and see all of the flaws society has taught you are real. Just stay inside in the dark until some man comes to rescue you. There is no other hope. No hope at all.

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In my perfect dream world, legendary children’s show Sesame Street would be populated by old time movie stars parodying themselves outlandishly. I think I would have learned better lessons, and learned them better, if it had been this way. Are children supposed to identify with or look up to a fuzzy green monster with a bad attitude? Well maybe they do, but a magically re-animated Greta Garbo would have gotten the job done with so much more melodramatic class.

If I ever get a wish-granting monkey paw, this will be the reality of children’s television programming.

As always, click to see it in the full size. (You can see the other example of Greta in imaginary kids television in our Yo Garbo Garbo post.)

Garbo Street

Fred Astaire, American dancing gentleman, is a well-known figure of classic cinema. His films are comfortingly formulaic; you can expect light humor, charming romance, catchy music, and impressive dance routines no matter which of his offerings you happen to be watching. He kept a dedicated team of writers on hand to create hit after hit throughout the 1930s. And indeed, he and his buddy Ginger Rogers starred in these hits, winning awards and creating an on-screen LEGACY.

However, not all of the scripts that came to the table were accepted.

Fred Astaire Plague Doctor

In the year 1935, it was proposed to Astaire and Rogers that they should work together once again in another musical romantic comedy following the patterns of their prior successes. However, this time it would be an historical musical romantic comedy! Plague Year.

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We at Sneer Campaign take our promises seriously. We promised you fine journalism, enticing story-telling, adequate comics, fancy paper dolls, and a modest dollop of occasional egomania, among other things. Today, we are going to make good on some of these promises by giving you a dazzling paper doll of our very own superstar, Dollissa the doll-sized girl! For you see, it’s her birthday today, and we like to celebrate important holidays whenever they turn up on the calendar. And aside from my own birthday, I can’t think of a birthday more important than this one.

Take a look at this doll. You might not know her now, but let me tell you − this is a stunning work of pure accuracy. Our sneering writer owns several of these outfits. And yes, she has three cats that she enjoys lugging around when they let her. And what would Dollissa be without a book, a laptop, a tea, AND a coffee? Unrecognizable is what she’d be!

Go ahead and indulge yourself. Click on this image, print it out, and go to town. Cause Dollissa to have some silly adventures. Here are some favorite activities that you can have your Paper Dollissa do:

  • watch Seinfeld for several hours, then tell her friends about the episode plots she watched
  • play Pokémon cards against her friends; she has about a 50/50 win/loss rate
  • drink coffee, and then another coffee; make sure to have a few!
  • learn banjo for a few days every few years
  • log into IRC, then instead chat with Amandoll on Google Hangouts all day
  • put on the Haircut-cat neckscarf and pick up the other two cats; it never works!
  • sometimes she goes to work! do a little of that

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