You know how when you’re bored, you spend your time browsing Kickstart projects, PetFinder cuties, and terrible pop culture products on Etsy? Well here is a new spiral to focus on while you drag yourself further and further from reality. Further from reality and closer to realty!
Sure you can check for apartments and houses you’ll never buy on Zillow or whatever local real estate company, but while we’re dreaming, let’s go big or go home, as they say. We’ve of course told you about our plans for a deli or multiple delis. Here are our new plans as of however recently we found these great listings that we want very much. Each will have a cat wandering around, we have a lot of cats to place. This plan actually all started because we were talking about how shop cats are great, and that we have too many cats, and then how if we had a store (or stores) we could technically have more cats. This then immediately led us to planning for businesses we will start and then plant our friends there so that they may grow as vast and robust as our fortunes definitely will.
It’s that time of year again, of course, as you’ve seen in candy aisles, pop-up costume shops, and our double-week of Halloween content. Once again it’s time to think of new ideas for Halloween. New costume, new decorations, new scary movies, new parties, and new pumpkin carvings. Let us help you out with the last one so that you can focus on the rest.
Like your costume, your jack-o-lantern should be hip, modern, and a little bit sassy. And since you want it to be unique too, here are the ideas that we don’t want to use.
As the reader may observe, many people have collections. Some folks collect animal figurines or dolls. Model trains are popular. Geeks galore (myself included) collect comic books. Even crazy things can be collected, like classic cars or human bones! I have begun to notice recently that I have a unique collection: introverts. Yes, you read that last sentence correctly. I am unintentionally a collector of introverted individuals. How is this possible? I don’t know! It is a mystery for the ages, or maybe just me at age 35.
This is the most tedious game that you want to play. Most games try to disguise the fact that they are the same thing over and over and are largely based on chance. They try to disguise the fact that you earn points to level up so that you can earn more points. Or it at least takes longer for it to feel like a chore. Or to realize that you’re just playing a clicking game.
But not Pokémon Magikarp Jump! This one is barebones, totally obvious that it’s just a thing to pass the time. And it’s great. It’s finally Pokemon’s version of a clicking/tapping game and the mechanics are superbly mundane.
I know that you’re already thinking, “we get it Dollissa, you love tv,” BUT WAIT. I’m here to help.
When Netflix first came out, I was so excited. I thought, now I will see all of the movies I refused to see in theaters because movie theaters are cesspools of disgusting noises. In 1999 they launched their DVD subscription service, an amazing new approach to sitting at home. I had a master plan. The plan was that I would alphabetically go through every movie and watch them all, because being comprehensive is important.
It’s hard to imagine that ever would have been possible. If you remember browsing the Netflix DVD selections, it didn’t look too harrowing. There was a limited selection of movies, most of which you’d heard of. It was great, except for the fact that in 2 years of having the DVD subscription, I requested a single movie and did not watch it. Ravenous is really good though, you guys.
In 2007, they introduced their streaming service, and everything changed. Everything.
My first memory of befriending an outdoor cat was a long time ago, but I’m not sure how old I was. Age twelve maybe? This was probably the only one in this story that was likely someone’s cat, just living outside. It was Florida and we were moving into a new house. I think we met a realtor at one house, in some sort of gated community. There was a cat outside and I wanted to touch it, so I tried to make friends with it.
The cat seemed friendly enough, it walked toward me and we seemed pretty okay with each other. After some calm and successful petting, I made a mistake I have not repeated to this day. I picked her up.
I have a lot of reasons or excuses for why I picked her up. She was being friendly and calm. She may have been a pet. I wanted to. But those reasons did not prevent the torso-length scratch from the cat trying to escape over the back of my body after hearing a loud noise. Somehow she ran up the front of me and down my back.
It stung a whole lot, of course. If you have never been scratched by a cat, imagine a paper cut that someone pissed in. But I forgive you, cat whose permission I did not have to lift and hold tightly against my body like a newborn baby or a taco box. Scratches heal.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea, they say. You know what else the sea has a lot of? Plastic. Sharks. Pirates. Dead Bodies.
My problem, of course, is not with the analogy, but with the fact that life is hard and I hate trying.
Here at Sneer Campaign we obviously love cats. They are featured many places, but mostly in our hearts. We have 3 each, because we are insane. We like them a lot! Love them. Mostly.
To introduce Cat Lady Week, we are starting with our furriest of friends. Our nicest companions. Our bff 4ever.
We know that dating is the worst. So is internet dating. Where do these people even come from? I tell myself that it’s not so strange. I tell myself that if I use internet dating, so do other regular people [editor’s note: haha – Amandoll]. I tell myself that it’s 2016 and I do everything on the internet. I tell myself that I’ve met plenty of people through The Online, including Amandoll, Hoffman, Daniel Haun, Alext, Grogberries, and Cheston. I tell myself that I’ve met plenty of dates on there and they went just fine.
But oh, the ones that didn’t…
The Official Fan Club of Sneer Campaign is here: Sneer Society! Yes, the thing we mentioned as a pretend subscription service is now here as a for-real lifetime membership for our most devoted fans.
Whether you’ve been with us since our first post or you’ve just recently discovered us, we appreciate you! To everyone who has read our posts, printed our coloring pages, cut out our paper dolls, listened to our playlists, and more, we’re so glad that you took some time to give us a chance, and to appreciate us as much as we appreciate ourselves.
Now, here’s your chance to be a part of Sneer Culture.