Sorry about bringing up clowns again, so soon, and outside of Halloween Season, and it’s not like I even love clowns all that much! And I’m not even saying that I am obsessed with them, but even so — obsessions don’t understand your notions of there being appropriate times or places. In fact, an obsession wouldn’t comprehend the word “inappropriate” at all, or “creepy” for that matter. And neither do I!

 

 

Anyway, I saw this beautiful gif the other day, while I was living on the internet as I do, and I became mesmerized with a thought. Mr. Rogers was a good man, a saint, and is very definitely a saint in our Sneerholic pantheon. He represents all that can be good in the world and is without blame. You know how we feel about him. On the other hand, clowns are commonly known to be evil, I guess, in these modern times. They are frightening and often up to no good. ALLEGEDLY. There are plenty of kind clowns out there, clowning for the sick and in parades, but every single one of us suspects their motives. Each of us wonders what possibly-literal skeletons are in the closets of their murderhouses. Thanks, John Wayne Gacy!

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garboo

 

The first olive martini flavored cereal, Garboo Berry was originally launched on September 18, 1905. Turner Classic Movie Guidelines recommend three or more servings per week. Most U.S. adults get less than one. Why should that matter? It matters because regular consumption of Garboo Berry cereal guarantees a touch of class to an otherwise humdrum and unsatisfying existence.

*Garboo Berry Cereal is high in alcohol content. According to the Surgeon General, women should not eat this cereal during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects. Consumption of this delicious breakfast food impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.

Nursery rhymes are a staple for most of us as we grow up. They are age-old classics from yester-century, usually, with some modernizations and updates so that we aren’t teaching children about drowning kittens in wells like it’s just a thing boys happen to do, so here’s a cute little rhyme about it. Or, oh here’s some nightmare fodder about the clumsy egg man who died.

It seems that Mother Goose lived sometime in the 1800s, made a collection of poems for children, and that was that. No one ever tried again because why mess with perfection, I assume they thought. Well except for modern day poets such as Andrew Dice Clay, who I understand modernized nursery rhymes in a more ribald sense. But that is of no use to anyone, anymore.

Luckily for us all, we at the Sneer Campaign have unearthed some “new” versions of beloved nursery rhymes, which the sophisticated children of the 1920s and 1930s enjoyed and learned from. Their lessons were timeless and universal, so children of today will benefit just as well. In fact, the children of today will benefit even more because modern kids have not a lick of urbanity or savoir-faire. So have their nannies and au pairs strap them down and force them to recite these poems. It builds the right kind of character that the world desperately needs!

 

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Animals are great! The world is wonderful! Nature is really nice and we should all do our best to preserve it. I think a lot of people don’t mean to harm the environment and the things which dwell within, but they have never really given it much thought. Like that awful business with palm oil. If most people were faced with the actual destruction of animal homes, they would find it within themselves to read labels and make ethical choices. I think most people know that all of the bees are dying, and probably can now correctly identify a honeybee so that they do not kill one in a panic. Learning things helps you make informed decisions, and that is never bad. Or at least, then, if you choose to do bad, it isn’t just because you are ignorant. It is because you are terrible.

We at the Sneer Campaign believe strongly that knowledge is power, just like Schoolhouse Rock told us. And we would like help you to know things. We want to help the world. We want to do good. Now, we are just beginning this journey of earthly well-wishing. We are not at Leonardo DiCaprio, Eco-Savior levels quite yet. Unlike him, we are only mere mortals with limited funds. Lucky for us all, learning is free, and now we will teach you a handy thing or two on how to care for the wild creatures of the forest, free of charge. Specifically, we are going to guide you on how to keep bears happy.

black bear

 

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In the 1980s, Cabbage Patch Dolls were all the rage. Families tore apart other families in order to “adopt” one of these things in time for Christmas. Some people even to this day have lost their minds to the extent that they pretend their Cabbage Patch Dolls are their actual children. I saw it on a documentary once! It’s true!

As a reaction to the doll fervor, some other people created “Garbage Pail Kids,” which were completely based on the dolls but super gross in that way that many things from the ’80s were. They were rude, and crude, and on the Trapper Keepers of many children at school. Parents hated them, people with an ounce of delicate sophistication hated them, and the Cabbage Patch company hated them. But who cares about those people, right??

A lesser known reaction to the Garbage Pail Kids happened though, and we have unearthed these valuable collector cards ourselves. Over time, we will show you each of these gorgeous Garbo Pail Kids. So elegant that no one was offended, and that lack of offense caused them to be underappreciated and obscure. Not anymore! They were ahead of their time, and also like fifty years behind their other time. Well, 2016 is long enough from both times for them to be their new time! Their REAL time! What IS time, anyway? Halp!

Greta Garbage

Life is what you make of it. This is a truth, it isn’t just one of those things that They say and you’re supposed to pretend it’s true. This is actually a real thing. You take life and you live it the way you want to live it. That’s how you feel happy and successful and filled with contentment and that ol’ inner peace. The best part is that there is no certain universal pattern for this happiness. Everyone’s joy is uniquely their own. The joy can take any form for everyone. And what’s one person’s joy could be another person’s boring torment. I understand this. We all understand this. Some people, in an effort to get the full life experience in, will engage in feats of endurance. For some of my friends, it is this urge to Live that has probably drives them to do those Tough Mudder races. It’s either an urge to live or a compulsion to take risks that could lead to a tragically shortened life. I guess it’s kind of up in the air sometimes. It could be either impulse. And whichever impulse it is, it is the same one that caused me to watch a marathon of films on the Turner Classic Movies station while visiting my parents!

Now, I have probably said this before but maybe you are a new reader, or you have forgotten, or you do not creepily stalk me: I am not much of a movie-watcher. I get bored. I want to be doing anything else. I get annoyed at plots, writing, acting, actors and actresses, directorial decisions, or any little detail. I actually begin to feel distressed and unclean eventually. I get a headache and decline into wretchedness. I can barely sit through one full length feature film, usually. Knowing all of this about myself – as it has been like this for my entire life – I still immediately and eagerly planned to watch an enormous block of films on TCM as soon as I saw that this marathon was scheduled for the next day. Why the about-face on this topic? It is quite simple: John Gilbert is a handsome guy.

hi handsome

 

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In the 1980s, Cabbage Patch Dolls were all the rage. Families tore apart other families in order to “adopt” one of these things in time for Christmas. Some people even to this day have lost their minds to the extent that they pretend their Cabbage Patch Dolls are their actual children. I saw it on a documentary once! It’s true!

As a reaction to the doll fervor, some other people created “Garbage Pail Kids,” which were completely based on the dolls but super gross in that way that many things from the ’80s were. They were rude, and crude, and on the Trapper Keepers of many children at school. Parents hated them, people with an ounce of delicate sophistication hated them, and the Cabbage Patch company hated them. But who cares about those people, right??

A lesser known reaction to the Garbage Pail Kids happened though, and we have unearthed these valuable collector cards ourselves. Over time, we will show you each of these gorgeous Garbo Pail Kids. So elegant that no one was offended, and that lack of offense caused them to be underappreciated and obscure. Not anymore! They were ahead of their time, and also like fifty years behind their other time. Well 2016 is long enough from both times for them to be their new time! Their REAL time! What IS time, anyway?  Halp!

Greta Gordo Lardo

They say that “no man is an island,” but I disagree. I think we are all capable of being islands, but because humans seem to mostly be social creatures, they seem to think that we should not be islands. According to them, it is healthiest to be part of a big land mass teeming with herd animals. But being remote and inaccessible definitely has its perks. Take it from me, a devotee to the School of Aloofness, located on Emotional Isolation Island.

Mysterious

The benefits of being a reticent character might not be obvious to the uninitiated, so allow me to explain a bit before I give you some hot tips on how to improve your life. We all love attention, don’t we? When you are a mysterious figure, you become extremely intriguing. Other people won’t stop talking about you, and you don’t even have to do a thing! Just evade a series of personal questions, and you’ll be a delicious source of speculation. Appear as though a normal social interaction is as invasive as unrelenting scrutiny, and the contrary folks around you can’t help but wonder why. Let them wonder. Let them TALK.

That satisfaction of feeling like a strangely compelling character is the #1 draw, but if I have to have MORE reasons, I guess another one is that it cuts down on having to keep any stories straight, or accidentally revealing something told to you in confidence. If you are the sort of person who feels a little stressed over such possibilities, then just become mysterious. It’s easy once you get the hang of it! Let me tell you how.

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Our favorite moody siren from the silver screen is back again in comic form! Today, she is Greta Garbfield, a wistful and somber cat who has much to say about the nature of her life. Yes, these are real quotes from the historical Garbo, untampered with, and as true today as they ever were.

Enjoy the comic. And click it for the real size, if you are so inclined.

Garbfield

In my perfect dream world, legendary children’s show Sesame Street would be populated by old time movie stars parodying themselves outlandishly. I think I would have learned better lessons, and learned them better, if it had been this way. Are children supposed to identify with or look up to a fuzzy green monster with a bad attitude? Well maybe they do, but a magically re-animated Greta Garbo would have gotten the job done with so much more melodramatic class.

If I ever get a wish-granting monkey paw, this will be the reality of children’s television programming.

As always, click to see it in the full size. (You can see the other example of Greta in imaginary kids television in our Yo Garbo Garbo post.)

Garbo Street