Halloween is a time for scares, intrigues, mysteries, and unearthing ancient horrors. We have done all of these things with the post we bring you today. Once upon a time, when the earth was young, there was an infernal website called omgjeremy dot com, founded by Lucifer himself, probably. During those times, a writer named Billy Holiday turned his talents to art, and decided to give Amandoll a run for her money in the comics department. What you see here today is three YEARS worth of effort, incomplete because one installment was lost to time, just as we all fear about ourselves the most, deep inside.
Proceed with Caution! You have been warned!
Whether you are lazy, forgot about Halloween, didn’t have time, or even just hate it, you may have missed your opportunity for a heavily planned out costume that matches your friends and/or lovers and will blow everyone’s mind. The time has passed. And we’re here to help.
These costumes cost nothing or very little. You may or may not have all of the pieces necessary already in your home. You can throw these together in just a few minutes with little preparation, and it’ll be just enough that your friends will shrug and say, “well at least you tried.”
So open up your closet and get some tape. It’s fucking Halloween. Special thanks to the Sneer Writers and Helpers featured below.
Music makes moods. Everyone needs to get into the spirit of the season so we decided to scare up some holiday appropriate music for you! Now, a lot of this is not our normal listening pleasure. As it turns out, a lot of “Halloween Music” is goofy! Wacky songs describing absurd monster parties and little jaunty tunes about skeletons or whatever don’t really inspire a person with a thrill of terror suitable for the time. However, sometime in the past, it was decided that Halloween Music should be silly, and preferably some version of rockabilly. Call us crazy, but we don’t think the saxophone is a particularly ghostly instrument, but whatever.
So we have added some good old-fashioned Satanic music, and music that causes one to think of death and dying. It’s good to have a mix. Organs, harpsichords, waltzes, and lamentations feature in these songs. And also we included some popular hits, and Aleister Crowley. Who doesn’t love that guy? Listen with us.
So haunted houses are a thing and we all know that they are terrifying. We have seen videos of people crying their way through haunted halls or screaming while running out of the house. But I’ll tell you what’s really scary: recurring nightmares.
I have these nightmares often. They blend into each other, so I never know how much I dreamt one time vs another. They continue during later nightmares, they go back and do prequels. They are insidious and everlasting, presumably. They’re always a little different, but similar enough that they are definitely the same situation in usually the same place. It’s awful and I don’t want to interpret any of them. DON’T HELP ME INTERPRET THEM.
Halloween parties are mostly awful. It’s unfortunate, but it is basically how things work. The main cause for just about every shitty Halloween party is the fact that you have to invite your friends. Face it: your friends fuck everything up, even Halloween when given the opportunity. What should be a fun gathering of semi-drunk friends will almost always end up with someone vomiting on your cat, sexual harassment charges for the guy that tried to eat candy corn out of some girl’s bra, and unusually large amounts of property damage that no one wants to pay for. This isn’t even counting the amount of time it takes you to prepare the entire thing, which is more like carefully building the Jenga tower up just to watch it all fall down within three minutes. In the end, it’s just not worth it. Especially for a group of people that probably won’t remember it come morning anyway. So if this is what we can expect, why not at least be able to enjoy ourselves at the expense of these assholes anyway?
This is where we come in. Today we’ll give you all the advice you could ever want about how to host a Halloween party that will be just as much sadistic fun for you, as it is un-fun for everyone attending. After all, it’s your house. Why not be able to torture all that dare enter? Below you’ll find more than enough tips and tricks to make your Halloween party the most fun YOU’VE ever had at one. Just don’t expect anyone to talk to you for a while after. Hey, that’s another plus! So get to reading!
My spooky review of the iconic murder movie, Clue, fell apart due to the distraction of Yvette the Maid. So instead I’ll do a worthwhile public service announcement and tell you how to avoid a chocolatey deathtrap this Halloween. I won’t lie to you: you can get hurt while trick-or-treating and celebrating this satanic holiday of the damned in other vile ways. Given that I do not find pleasure in celebrating much of anything these days, I am relying on the good folks at www.halloween-safety.com to help me properly explain what a harrowing time is in store for you. Directly lifting quotes from their site means that I respect them, and doesn’t have anything to do with being a lazy writer who is very busy.
“Anytime a child has an accident, it’s tragic. The last thing that you want to happen is for your child to be hurt on a holiday, it would forever live in the minds of the child and the family.”
As we sat peacefully in our Sneer Studio on this sunny late October afternoon, a terrible thing happened. The ground began to shake and a writhing, wriggling column shot up through the floor, causing many thousands of dollars in damage, both to the HQ and to our delicate psyches. The peak of the living mass formed a mouth and bleached hair, and after carefully placing some coolguy sunglasses, raspily whispered, “immortalize me” with a voice of a thousand cicadas rattling at once. Science is more horrifying than any horror fiction, boys and girls, and it is a known fact that for each and every human being on this planet, there are 40 tons of insects. Except for the celebrity, Guy Fieri, who IS 40 tons of insects along with some incredibly unhealthy foods (which are themselves comprised mostly of insect parts).
Well, it’s once again time for my favorite holiday to roll around. A holiday of lighthearted fun, fanciful masks, eerie flickering candles, and the taking of loot from total strangers. That’s right, this Saturday is “Mug a Furry Day.”
No! That was only in a dream I had that featured 50 Cent and Elmo from Sesame Street, and I have decided that I’d best not speak of it any further. No, this Monday is the holiday devoted to visions of madness and carbohydrates almost as unsettling as my dreams: Halloween.
Halloween is a great holiday. It’s not over-commercialized like Christmas, there are no Halloween-bowl games, and you’re not expected to eat too much of a mediocre dinner while being forcibly polite to people you hate. And it’s not like Thanksgiving, where you starve yourself the day before just so you can engage in acts of gluttony not seen since the vomitoriums of ancient Rome. Halloween is about fun, pure and simple. If you’re a kid, you get to dress up like a ninja or a ballerina or a cyborg skeleton zombie hellbeast or Khalil Gibran and go door-to-door asking for candy. If you’re an adult, you get to dress up as a robot or crack whore or acupuncturist or Karl Rove and, well, drink. If you’re lucky, you’ll also get to inflict some psychological scars on some trick-or-treaters.
The history of Halloween is a long and exciting one, filled with wars, aliens, potted ferns, knife fights, and even a musical number. The word Halloween comes from the Senior Citizen English Hall O’ Weenies, an annual fall festival where the British would gather in a large hall and drink. Soon they would pass out under the table, and the Druids would come in and rob them. It was in this manner that Halloween came to be used to refer to the Druidic Fall Festival of Savings, where the Druids would sell off their old hooded robes at or below cost while their boss was away. Obviously, these were truly crazy times in which to live.
Greetings fellow cryptozoologists, Halloween freaks, monster lovers (not in that way), and general aficionados of the arcane, deformed, and peculiar. Today, in honour of the spooky season, Sneer Campaign is pleased to introduce to you a menagerie of horrors too deviant to imagine. Luckily though, you don’t have to imagine them. Amanda has drawn them for you.
Warning: terror ahead.
Today is a cold and windy night. Can you feel it? The breeze is howling through the trees like some sort of representation of the spirit of air, sending leaves falling and branches tapping on the dusty windows all night long. Beyond the windows is a hill, where I can see poor Daniel Haun approaching a mysterious light. Is he alone? Does Haun not know of the buddy system?
He appears to be following the light, which creepily floats up the slope and toward the spooky hill-top forest. Music starts to creep through the trees as his silhouette disappears behind some rocks. The soft yet abrasive twang of a banjo flutters through the leaves as the darkness encloses the forest.