Say what you will about astrology and the power of the stars and the accuracy of natal horoscopes. However I say, as of about an hour before making this post, that there must be something to it, and February 5th must be the Day of Weirdos I Wouldn’t Want to Bring Home to Mother. The universe gave birth to William S. Burroughs on this day in 1914 and he went on to become the world’s most beloved queer junkie weirdo whose droning voice blessed all kinds of things, and his addled words made poetry that became dear to people into that kind of thing. Meanwhile, in 1940, a baby by the name of HR Giger plopped out into the world and immediately began drawing demented things that became interwoven into certain pieces of pop culture, most importantly those Alien movies.

We have decided to celebrate these twin souls separated by a few decades, these angels who we assume didn’t know each other and never met, by creating a portrait of the wordy one in the style of the drawy one. Happy birthday, the two of you, we hope there really is an afterlife so that the two of you can sit down together and make friends and maybe make some other ghosts feel uncomfortable somehow.

On December 11th, 1922, a huge black bat dropped out of the sky and left a smoldering crater upon impact. Emerging from the smoke was none other than Vampira, fully formed and ready to present herself to the public as a mistress of the dark, put on this earth to provide ghoulish puns and introductions to bad televised horror films in the 1950s.

Her fame might have been fleeting, according to this Wikipedia entry, but her legacy is eternal. She was an inspirational figure to anyone who has ever loved dangerously arched fake eyebrow lines and a waist that is so small that it defies logic and reason. Her waist, supposedly seventeen inches around, belongs in a Lovecraft story that loves to not-describe the indescribable geometries of things which are cursed. Her waist could bring on madness, and that is what happened to me after I saw a random simple picture of her today, which I will draw for your amusement so that I am not infringing on a photographer’s copyright. I am not exaggerating her angles in any way.

Vampira! How! Did you not have organs? Could you eat? Inside, were you simply a few scoops of sawdust and faux-Satanic prayers? Whatever the cause and whatever the circumstances, hearing that she had a seventeen inch waist caused me (in a fit of insanity) to measure the Captain, who, with his twenty-one inch barrel, would split her precious black garments if he tried to wear them. The Captain is bigger around than at least one adult human woman who has existed, and I told him that to his face. I measured him, and told him that while drowning out his meows requesting kibble. And there is the story of how I wound up drawing the dumbest thing I have drawn all year.

vampira

Revered philosopher, martial artist, and film star Bruce Lee was born on November 27, 1940. Because he died in 1973, his spirit had to appear in front of us in his true form. We are honored to depict him here in the midst of an iconic pose, drawing power from all points in the universe and spreading his upper body’s hood so as to appear larger to his foes. After this display, Mr. Lee always became indestructible and was thus able to right wrongs, and achieve justice in a world which seemed to be stacked against him. In his short time on Earth, Bruce Lee left a pretty good legacy and we all still enjoy being amazed by random clips of his antics to this very day.

bruce lee

garboo

 

The first olive martini flavored cereal, Garboo Berry was originally launched on September 18, 1905. Turner Classic Movie Guidelines recommend three or more servings per week. Most U.S. adults get less than one. Why should that matter? It matters because regular consumption of Garboo Berry cereal guarantees a touch of class to an otherwise humdrum and unsatisfying existence.

*Garboo Berry Cereal is high in alcohol content. According to the Surgeon General, women should not eat this cereal during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects. Consumption of this delicious breakfast food impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.

One thing is absolutely certain: we have an extremely long, and storied history. Earth has been around a really long time, and humans have been around for just a sliver of that time but so much has happened! Thankfully, God gave birth to historians, so every nook and cranny of historical happenings are being examined and researched and thoroughly covered in books and in papers.

world history

On TV, we can settle in for some learnin’ from the History Channel, NatGeo, the Smithsonian, and now even hulu and netflix offer some of these fascinating and well-edited glimpses of our shared past. Everything from why the key nations were catapulted into its second world war to individual battles of WWII, no stone is left unturned while investigating about five thousand years of recorded human history.

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Ordinarily it is a fact that you “get what you pay for” − but not on the Sneer Campaign! We do love to give you quality art that is guaranteed to work, however it’s supposed to work. Usually it is a coloring page, but today you get some nice cards to print out at your leisure. The only thing it will cost you is in printer ink. Or possibly in an entire printer because they have been making it so that it is cheaper to buy a new printer than to buy an ink cartridge. Save those angry letters for the printer manufacturers! We are here to get you and another a sense of relief and satisfaction and — dare we say it? Miraculous and immediate cures. We will, ourselves, be testing each and every one of these out on Daniel Haun, who is still battling his monster of an ailment to varying degrees in various ways.

get well forever

Actually we will cater to the millennials who are banding together to kill the printer industry, and allow you to just do the ol’ right-click and copy image url, or save the image, if you want, AS WELL AS an option to print out a paper card which you can then write inside of. We will even give you some possible sentiments to scrawl inside of them with your lunatic writing. This is how much we care about you and sentiments.

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Honor, stalk, creep out — whatever you want to call it, this loving activity that you can do publicly or very much in secret, with the subject being a dear friend, acquaintance, or total stranger, is a cathartic creative process. We of course know all about what to do and how to do it with a mastery of style and much enthusiasm and we would like to teach you, the whole world, how to do it too.

In my demonstration today, I will use our friend, Frant. It is his birthday and he is deserving of all of the heavy-handed, cloying, and terrifying respect that we can lob his way. The goal is to make anyone you wish to adore feel like they are drowning in it, if they were to find out. “It” could here mean “the pleasure of being worshiped” or “the fear of being trapped somehow.” Different people give rise to different scenarios, but we know that unlike cchris, Frant will enjoy this. At least HE HAD BETTER.

we love you

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We have a lot of fears. Some make sense; others, not so much. This latter type will be featured once monthly until we run out of material, at which point, we might begin accepting the fears of our readers. 

cchris

I love describing my dynamic with cchris to anyone who has a moment to listen, because I never have been able to understand it. I even mention it on here as much as I can, partly because it’s part of my character makeup, and partly because I really am that bewildered by it. Over the years, things have shifted and changed. When I realized that he is very mysterious, my imagination occasionally will step in and try to figure out WHY. Who is so good at not giving out personal facts? For this many years? Is it villainy? Is it because there’s nothing there? Is it to appear more interesting? What is there to hide, and if there is nothing to hide — WHY.

The irrational fear depicted in the comic has OMGJeremy to blame. Apparently he thinks that cchris and I write similarly, and maybe it is HIS irrational fear that I am pretending to be this whole other person. When he first told me of this, I did have a little while where I might have been horrified and fearful at the possibility. That would be world-shattering to realize. But I guess I don’t fear it, exactly. If it turns out it’s all been in my head, that’s almost impressive. I could live with it. I could live with having made a little Canadian Tulpa. That’s fine. Whatever. I would just like to know for sure before I die of old age.

huxo

As you must know, YouTube is great for entertainment, but it is also great for learning and for sleeping and for calming downall kinds of things! Little by little, I have been expanding the ways in which I depend on YouTube every single day. I don’t maintain manicured playlists of things which get deleted, nor do I upload my own videos, even though some day I will be a YouTube star of some kind. I mean, isn’t that the modern dream?

One of the things I rely on YouTube for is lectures. Now, don’t get me wrong, I generally hate lectures. In school, I had the hardest time in the world paying attention to a lecturer. And really, when I listen to lectures on here, I am not really paying the best attention. I have listened to dozens of them but I probably couldn’t tell you what they were even about! That’s okay though because I use them sort of as a blend of music and ambient sounds. And my favest of the faves, who I return to time and time again, is Aldous Huxley, as you probably gathered from the title. Give him a try with this little one, if you please.

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Zelda Sayre Fitzgerald was born on July 24, 1900, and was the original quintessential irrepressible flapper of the times. Her life was a tumultuous roller coaster of good times and high drama, sailing high, young and beautiful, and then crashing into an insane asylum that burned to the ground with her still inside when she was about forty seven years old.

Not only did she inspire F. Scott Fitzgerald’s entire literary career, she was also the inspiration for a video game series I have never played: the Legend of Zelda. I can only imagine that it revolves around F. Scott Linkgerald wandering around a warped and terrifying fantasyland, trying to locate the eight pieces of her sanity, which she smashed to pieces due to some prophesy or something. There are villains who also resemble F. Scott and a lot of confusing social situations involving elixirs of booze and bathtub gin.

I have drawn Princess Zelda in honor of all of this.

princess zelda by Amanda Wood