watch out

It seems like everyone goes through a phase of life where they hit that bottle hard, and Billy Holiday is no exception to this. He has some exceptional moments, however. Some peculiarities. For instance, he prefers to become inebriated by way of classic hobo wines. He’s a “Strawberry” Cisco man, for any of you keeping track. He also gets sloshed on what I feel are strange choices, such as brandy and “appletinis.” Who are you, Billy Holiday?

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garboo

 

The first olive martini flavored cereal, Garboo Berry was originally launched on September 18, 1905. Turner Classic Movie Guidelines recommend three or more servings per week. Most U.S. adults get less than one. Why should that matter? It matters because regular consumption of Garboo Berry cereal guarantees a touch of class to an otherwise humdrum and unsatisfying existence.

*Garboo Berry Cereal is high in alcohol content. According to the Surgeon General, women should not eat this cereal during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects. Consumption of this delicious breakfast food impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.

In my long and illustrious career as a lifelong internet chat addict, I have collected many good friends who are also able conversationalists. This is how we happen to have all of these little comics from real chats. One of my favorite chattists is Kieron, whom you are meeting for the first time on this site today. He hails from the UK and he is always yelling about something or other. I really should talk to him more often because it is usually along these lines as you see illustrated below. So uppity, always.

Click on this image if you would like to see this fact-packed state history lesson up close in the real size.

kierons yelling again

Get a haircut, ya dang hippie! Really though. Hair keeps growing every single day and it doesn’t even stop after you’re dead, according to popular trivia that might or might not be true. While Amandoll keeps her hair short because she can’t stand the touch of loose hair on her neck, I sometimes can go months, years without bothering. I’m not growing it out for a wig or anything, I just have better things to do.

Every once in a while, however, I reach a point where it’s just gotta go. Or I suddenly have hair motivation and am able to get to a pair of scissors before it fades away again and I become distracted by all of the more interesting things in life, which is apparently almost everything else. I’m even writing this article instead of getting the haircut that I need! Oh well!

hair

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the Real AlexT

I am a conversation addict. I have been chatting on the internet continuously since 1997 and sometimes I want to stop. Sometimes… But most of the time, I am so entertained that I never, ever want to stop. Not even to sleep! In an effort to make my horrible addiction seem productive and valuable, I sometimes turn snippets of my actual conversations into comics like the one here before you on this day. It makes me feel good and creative and clever and funny, even though mostly it is just showing that I can make simple drawings of my friends who are funnier than I am.

Click on the comic below in order to get a better view of the subtle nuance of our expressions. If you look at it in real size, you’ll feel like you are there! You can imagine the sounds of my arching eyebrows, the smell of AlexT’s wine-soaked words, feel the weight of that last little punchline.

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Often in life you will hear certain phrases that seem to crop up fairly often. Some are pretty common sense, and others take a little more figuring out or the origins are so lost in time that they never will make sense. I’m going to speak of a fairly common one that usually isn’t meant literally.  

“You scared the shit out of me.”

Now this comes in several different forms, often pointing out who or what did the scaring, but the end result is the same… the “shit was scared” out of the person. Of course this is never actually true, as the person will just laugh it off and go about their business instead of dropping their head in shame as the smell overcomes the room. I’ve heard this many times from many different people, and none of them had coated their pants in brown.  

However, I am here to tell you that on at least one occasion I can confirm that someone was scared to the point of D’ing up those pants. I share this story with you now.

shit

 

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Everyone likes to drink. It’s a goddamn American pastime as far as I know. And until casual drugs are legalized across the country, it will continue to be people’s preferred way of losing their minds in a social gathering, or just at home by themselves. It’s a great way to blow off some steam, or make your life and everyone around you slightly more tolerable. Generally, it’s a good time for all. Unfortunately a problem arises when someone just doesn’t know how to deal with drinking: the Excessive Drinker. Usually these are the people who are the loudest or most obnoxious people in the bar. They have had way too much drank, and they have no idea how to control themselves. Anyone who has been out on a weekend has seen it, and it’s not a pretty sight. Nobody wants to be that person. And we’re not going to let you become that person.

The below guide is here to help you on your way in the art of excessive alcohol consumption. What? You just thought it was as easy as taking as many shots as possible and hoping you don’t die of alcohol poisoning? That’s a big rookie mistake! Go in with that attitude and you’ll be waking up naked in the middle of an alley with a prolapsed colon in no time. No one wants that. Or at least no one SHOULD want that. Take heed of the following tips, and you’ll be able to enjoy your new-found life as an alcoholic that much more. So get those bottles lined up, we have a lot of things to cover before you get too drunk to remember any of it.

alcoholism

 

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