As we sat around the figurative sneer round table, counting all the reasons we are thankful, it dawned upon us that the source of many of our blessings is the one and only Dollissa, co-founder of this site. But who or what IS Dollissa? What function does she provide in our group dynamic? Quite simply, she is the living embodiment of charm, beauty, nature, human creativity, and charity. She is all three of the Graces of ancient mythology, and sometimes more than that!

What has she given us lately? Say, in the past twelve months?

  • Food
  • Liquid, life-saving nourishment that is easy to digest
  • Inspiration to go on another day
  • A whole house
  • Tickets for traveling
  • Cropped pictures of cat feet
  • Charitable donations that benefit the world
  • Jewelbots
  • Billion dollar ideas
  • Exposure to new music
  • A gambling habit
  • Memories
  • Sound financial advice
  • Quality content
  • Another year of the sneer campaign
  • Coffees
  • Free cat hair
  • Polaroid camera
  • Friendship
  • Information on any episode of any tv show
  • Hope
  • Real fly shoes
  • Conversation
  • Ten thousand laughs every week
  • Understanding
  • Acceptance
  • And a lot more but I’m running late

So thanks, Dollissa! Thanks a WHOLE BUNCH. Here’s a depiction of you in your true form as a gift. Thxu

Graces

My spooky review of the iconic murder movie, Clue, fell apart due to the distraction of Yvette the Maid. So instead I’ll do a worthwhile public service announcement and tell you how to avoid a chocolatey deathtrap this Halloween. I won’t lie to you: you can get hurt while trick-or-treating and celebrating this satanic holiday of the damned in other vile ways. Given that I do not find pleasure in celebrating much of anything these days, I am relying on the good folks at www.halloween-safety.com to help me properly explain what a harrowing time is in store for you. Directly lifting quotes from their site means that I respect them, and doesn’t have anything to do with being a lazy writer who is very busy.

“Anytime a child has an accident, it’s tragic. The last thing that you want to happen is for your child to be hurt on a holiday, it would forever live in the minds of the child and the family.”

halloween safety

 

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Everybody loves France. So – oh, no? That’s not a thing? Well they should. Their tendency to surrender is exaggerated, their cheese, whilst smelling like the olfactory equivalent of the Westboro Baptists Church, is known to be delicious for some reason, and they discovered radium, without which I wouldn’t be able to find my glow in the dark mouth guard when the combination of my saliva and grinding teeth inevitably shoots it across my bed like so many bars of prison soap. I’m sorry, I’m not doing a very good job of celebrating France. I must, as I often do, turn to poetry to communicate my deeply felt, depthy feelings about France to you all.

poetry

 

 

America is the best, isn’t it? There’s some weird stuff going on nowadays, but pretty much always actually. Sorry, marginalized people, we are working on it! But meanwhile, America is still great.

Are you from here but have trouble showing your pride? Are you from elsewhere and needs tips about how to show love? I’ve created this guide that everyone obviously needed, just in time for Independence Day.

usausausa

 

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clipclop

At first glance, this looks like another post about horses. And maybe upon second glance, it looks like it is just showcasing that I am an uncharitable, selfish person when it comes to sharing my toys, as though I am a six-year-old, rather than an adult. It’s about both of those things, I guess, but actually, this is mostly an excellent example of how my mother is patient and long-suffering. You could even go so far as to say that she is a saint! I wouldn’t argue. Well yes, of course I would, but not very seriously.

 

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Another Presidents’ Day has come and will soon be gone, ladies and gentlemen, and I find myself feeling a little older and wiser because of it. Presidents’ Day is a blissful time of year, a glorious holiday that has retained its quiet dignity. Very little commercialism surrounds it. We are not inundated by P.D. cartoons, mascots, hassles, guilt. In fact, it is mostly ignored. Between Valentines Day and Chinese New Year, mid-February is an active time of planning and celebrating.

I think it is time for a change! Let’s remove focus from that pink and red heart-shaped atrocity known as Valentines Day – who needs it anyway – and begin celebrating Presidents’ Day the way it should be celebrated! I think that it being mostly known as yet another day when the lazy postal workers get to not deliver our precious mail, and one more day when mattress salesmen get to host a SALE SALE SALE, is a shame and a tragedy. There have been many great men among our list of 44 or so Presidents. And many not-that-great men, too.

Scientists tell me that Americans know only a handful of our president guys. George Washington and Abraham Lincoln are seen everywhere you look, and Jefferson, FDR, JFK, Ted Roosevelt, and some of the more recent presidents are also pretty famous, too. But what of the early 1800s? What did they have to offer? And the late 1800s, what about them? They had their characters and their scandals, but they go by largely unnoticed by Joe or Jane Anybody. Historians are the only people both good and brave enough to write books for other historians to read, books about these commanders-in-chief, so that they do not fade into obscurity. But I don’t want the historians to fight the good fight alone! I want to help them!

In the future, I will help create a world where Presidents’ Day is marked by parades, and themed parties where people dress up in costumes modeled after their favorite presidents. I will contribute with various desserts and appetizers which actually look like the presidents, or maybe will represent the snacks that they are recorded to have actually enjoyed. There will also be cards sent and given to each other. That is how I have helped this year. I have made a handful of cards highlighting the faces and one short quote from some of the lesser-loved presidents. These cards are drawn on MS Paint and would include the accompanying text on the backs, if MS Paint allowed there to be backs. In fact, these are more than simple greeting cards, these are modelled after collectible Wildlife Cards that you might have gotten as nerdy children who were interested in zoology. I couldn’t have been the only one!

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Tomorrow is Groundhog Day, and little rodents around the country will be telling us whether it will be an early spring or six more weeks of horrible but I guess pretty mild winter. We will creep up on them in their cozy little habitats, throw loud parties and make weird speeches as we wait to see if the poor little fella will have a shadow.

The most famous of these guys is the one and only Punxsutawney Phil. As we look to the noble rodent after this tepid, confusing season, we (most of us) hope for an early spring. Please, Phil, don’t see your shadow! Let’s hope for whatever sort of weather would result in this natural occurrence not happening.

O humble Phil, king of the meteorologists of the animal kingdom! O Phil of the clouds, of the rain and wind, of the cold and heat. Phil of the ages. Sing us your song of fear and hope. Your silent song of understanding. Tell us, oh wise one: what will the weather be?

 

groundhog

 

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The humble kazoo often goes unrecognized by many. We’ve all heard of guitars and drums, flutes and trumpets, harps and pianos. But the kazoo is the best American instrument out there. So here’s a patriotic tribute to the kazoo.

There a quite a few instruments attributed to the good ol’ USA. But, do you really consider the electric guitar totally separate from the guitar? Probably only if you play one. And although the banjo was popularized in America, its origins lie in Africa. A jug is also listed, but come on. Sometimes I use my pots and pans as instruments but I am not going to list them on Wikipedia please.

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It’s a new year! New years call for resolutions, but what IS a resolution and how do you set them? How do you announce them? The preferred method, of course, is to hastily write an article for a website about it because you needed to set a resolution about writing content in advance yesterday, but yesterday’s gone and dead! We have to start now! NOW!

It is important to select realistic resolutions so that you don’t feel like a loser by mid-January. So often, we resolve to achieve goals that just aren’t attainable, once our character flaws come into play (and they always do). Understand your faults, and then, rather than actively try to change yourself, just change your attitude about what it is you want out of your new life this year. I think what I want is to strengthen my ability to outsource. I shall treat my life like a successful corporation. I will get so much done via other people! The dream comes true.

resolutions 2016

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Ho ho ho, or so I am told. It is Christmas Day both far and wide as I write this. Almost everyone knows everything there is to know about this Christian holiday thanks to television, movies, radio, every single store, and the mouths of anyone you might eavesdrop on. Chances are, someone you know might even celebrate it, religiously!

Here at the Sneer Campaign, we enjoy wrapping and giving gifts, and maybe one of us likes decorating a tree. I’m actually not a very Christmassy person, but Dollissa wrote about Hanukkah, so it’s my turn to take one for the team. Also, I didn’t send out cards in time, and that’s the only tradition for this holiday that I actually enjoy. Sorry!

Please accept this drawing as my card to you, everyone who missed getting real tangible mail from me this year.

Christmas Card