First came the tentacle rape.

It was the beginning in a long line of horrors that OMGJeremy has subjected me to in his articles since the very beginning in 2002. (OMGJeremy.com was the site that most of us used to write for.) But you know what they say: what doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger. Well, I must be invincible by now. And not only have I seen a lot, but I’ve written about a lot too, articles that have been lost to time mostly, including a review of a site that teaches women how to rape their husbands. But in 2003, I found something that managed to combine all of those and more. It’s as if all my nightmares Go-Go-Power-Morphed into some unholy Megazord and returned to feed me my own ass.

“What is it?” you’re probably asking as you close the door and open a new browser window. Why It’s none other than Furcadia — an online game that let you take on the role of an animal and interact with others in a series of dream worlds. And not surprisingly in the least, it contains the three big staples of the internet diet: furries, cybersex, and MMORPGs.

furcadia

 

Continue reading

We have a lot of fears. Some make sense; others, not so much. This latter type will be featured once monthly until we run out of material, at which point, we might begin accepting the fears of our readers. 

pranks

I’m not sure if I actually have “social anxiety,” or if I just have anxious times while out and about, or if maybe I had it once, and am doing better now. But very definitely for a while this was a very serious concern of mine. Ever since I was a child and saw TV’s Bloopers and Practical Jokes, starring that dream team of Dick Clark and Ed McMahon, I became horrified by the idea that people would film pranks and then air them on television for the viewing public to see. Later, there have been plenty of other such shows, some meaner than others, and of course now there is YouTube and I’m even going to include improv groups who like to make “magic” in the form of awkward public scenes. Shudder.

I’m aware that I think legally, for the most part, they have people sign release forms to be displayed on television. But I am not sure what YouTube does to protect the average kid from being the target of such. Probably nothing. Look! I’m talking myself right back into having this as a strong irrational fear again! I know that this is statistically remote, but oh god, the horror. It is enough to make me never want to leave the house again. I can trust no one.

You find yourself in a maze filled with edible orbs, and you are not alone. Monsters lurk in this place, is it a dungeon? Is it a castle? Is it a level of HELL? You must run from these evil things — oh! You catch a glimpse! They’re g-g-ghosts! Vengeful, doomed spirits chase you, wishing to devour your soul. So you run. You dodge them by darting into unused corridors! Oh god but there are more! Mindlessly being forced to eat orbs as you run in terror, you stumble upon one that causes the ghosts to flee from YOU. Ha ha! Who’s chasing whom NOW, you fiends?! You gobble them up for a few seconds, not nearly enough seconds. Then their fear is over. You didn’t kill any of them. You do not kill ghosts. The chase is on again, and again, and again until you somehow eat all of the orbs. Then it all starts over.

No, I didn’t write out an entry from my Terrible Dreams journal. I just described the basic plot of Pac Man, an early video game from the otherwise glorious 1980s. It was released on this date in 1980, and I was never the same again.

gtfoContinue reading

We have a lot of fears. Some make sense; others, not so much. This latter type will be featured once monthly until we run out of material, at which point, we might begin accepting the fears of our readers. 

don't look

Mirrors, despite being my finest friends at times, are also my greatest fear at any given crazyperson moment. I mentioned before that I have an unease about trying to sleep within view of one. But sometimes even looking into one in the light can cause me to feel a sense of dread. It is a similar fear to when I get nervous about opening closed doors. The irrational fear that reality is not at all what I have thought it is my whole life is a fear that comes back to haunt me fairly frequently, in many forms.

So what if one day, I glance at the mirror, and there are two of me. What if one is hook-handed and murderous? Even what if it isn’t? What if there are interdimensional monsters? What if there’s a demon or something? What if anything at all?? What could be done? I’d have to either die right there or be a strong character and surprise us all as I make my own destiny. You gotta do what you gotta do.

We have a lot of fears. Some make sense; others, not so much. This latter type will be featured once monthly until we run out of material, at which point, we might begin accepting the fears of our readers. 

swallow it

I eat almost every day, so I should be an old pro at it. However, more than a few times, I just forget how to chew or swallow. Or I think I do? This is one of those things where it has happened enough that I worry about it a little too much, and fear that one day I will just choke because I suddenly am incapable of doing this very basic part of daily life. I have wondered if it is an actual medical problem, but I think if it were, then it would happen more consistently and not during a few seconds every once in a while. Sometimes, food just goes right down my neck while I am beginning to chew, and I sputter and fear death. Other times, I just can’t swallow, and then begin to panic because I can’t remember if it is something I should do automatically or if it is something we have to make ourselves do. Classic overthinking to make everything worse. Once, I even had a real panic attack thanks to a PBJ.

I can’t wait for food to just be a nutrition slurry, IV soup, or maybe a little tiny pill. That would relieve me of this burden.

 

We have a lot of fears. Some make sense; others, not so much. This latter type will be featured once monthly until we run out of material, at which point, we might begin accepting the fears of our readers. 

snow fear

I have seen documentaries and read articles about the Ice Age. There were a lot of great species of megafauna that obsess me here and there. I love them very much. What I have never loved, however, are the discoveries of woolly mammoths well-preserved in sheets of ice. Some of the mammoths still have mouthfuls of vegetation in place, as though they had been caught mid-chew. How fast did the Ice Age happen? How much time passes while eating one bite of food? Did glaciers come down from the Terrible North in mere seconds, trapping all living things and eventually dragging their bodies some of the way back?

Whatever the real answer is (I have so far refused to ever dig around for that information because I am frightened enough as it is), the fact remains that whenever the weather man speaks of a “polar vortex,” I get a little nervous. “Siberian Express” in the form of weather is a dreadful notion. Whenever I so much as see a flake of snow falling from the sky, I wonder if it is the start of our inevitable deaths by frozen ice. I watched footage from a few years ago when it was so cold and so windy that a lake appeared to actually produce glaciers and they ran ashore and broke the exterior walls of houses, and I feared for us all. It happened so fast that I could imagine in a few thousand years, new scientists would find perfectly preserved men and women encased in ice sheets, bites of scrambled eggs in their mouths, caught unexpectedly, too fast.

Horrible winter time. I will not relax until the spring thaw.

I am not the most physically strong person there is. It is a struggle for me to do a single push up, and I prefer to generally never do any sort of heavy lifting. You won’t find me running endurance races, or hurtling myself over obstacles. All of my strength is inner strength, which I think is pretty important in the scheme of things. I’m not some great champion of cryptic crosswords, but I can do them, a little. And I’m not exactly brave, judging by my reaction to the last house centipede I saw… Maybe I’m not THAT strong mentally, or psychologically. But I can do one thing. I can sit through unbelievably long YouTube videos of ambient sounds.

Or so I thought! On this particular day, I decided to listen to the soothing sounds of laughter for 24 hours (if I listened to the video twice). After twenty minutes, I was done. I’m not sure if I was already out of balance when I started this experience, but my roller coaster was so pronounced that I began keeping a little journal of my reactions. I did keep adding layers of difficulty to the situation, in an almost self-destructive act. I just wanted it to end. I just wanted it to ALL end.

Observe my tribulation below. Click on it, if you have to. You can see it better that way.

Continue reading

We have a lot of fears. Some make sense; others, not so much. This latter type will be featured once monthly until we run out of material, at which point, we might begin accepting the fears of our readers. 

a comic by amandoll

The women of my family all love rings. They lavishly adorn themselves with up to three rings per finger, like crazy people. Meanwhile, I can’t even wear a one. Many times so far throughout my life, I have been talked into “just trying on” one of their rings, and I can’t resist, because the jewels glitter. A ring is supposed to be snug so that it doesn’t fall off and you subsequently lose some of your riches. However, if a ring is even the slightest bit snug, the moment I notice, I am gripped with this panic. I scramble at my own hand and am all such as, “get it off of me GET IT OFF OF ME.” Normally, it comes right off, but not before I imagine my finger rapidly turning black and dropping away, stinking and fetid, like I’m suddenly caught in some medieval amputation procedure.

I regret it, a little. I know that rings can get in the way of many daily tasks. And I would hate to lose one, or break away the stone. But I enjoy accessories. However, I do not enjoy the feeling of being trapped, or the thought of losing digits. I keep stretching out my fingers and assuring them that they are free as I write this.