Some lucky people are staying home from work, everyone is remembering another instance where indigenous people suffered, families are eagerly awaiting a new coloring page to color together – that’s right, it’s another Monday-observed holiday, but this one is wonderful!

Columbo Day is when families gather around their televisions to marathon-watch episodes ofColumbo on Netflix, YouTube, or from your personal collection of the complete ColumboDVDs! We are slowly introducing the newest tradition over the next twenty-four years: the Columbo Discovers America coloring book, one page released per year. This is the third, highly anticipated page.

Spoiler: In the end, America actually discovers Columbo, and everyone’s lives are improved dramatically. Happy coloring! Click to enlarge the picture and for printing!

color it

go go go

It surprises no one, I’m sure, to discover that my secret hidden talent and life path dream is to become the slogan generator of a tourism board somewhere — anywhere! My old pal Esther came to me one day, long ago, with news coming from that harrowing icy land that is so very, very far away. It was a genius effort on their part to generate interest, I’m sure. And that’s all! So I decided to help, too. Then I decided to REALLY help by making it a comic that other people might actually see. I’m sure I didn’t need to convince Esther all that much, after all.

Click on the comic below if you want to see the adorable detail or whatever. And Siberia, you can thank me later for the good I have done here.

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Zelda Sayre Fitzgerald was born on July 24, 1900, and was the original quintessential irrepressible flapper of the times. Her life was a tumultuous roller coaster of good times and high drama, sailing high, young and beautiful, and then crashing into an insane asylum that burned to the ground with her still inside when she was about forty seven years old.

Not only did she inspire F. Scott Fitzgerald’s entire literary career, she was also the inspiration for a video game series I have never played: the Legend of Zelda. I can only imagine that it revolves around F. Scott Linkgerald wandering around a warped and terrifying fantasyland, trying to locate the eight pieces of her sanity, which she smashed to pieces due to some prophesy or something. There are villains who also resemble F. Scott and a lot of confusing social situations involving elixirs of booze and bathtub gin.

I have drawn Princess Zelda in honor of all of this.

princess zelda by Amanda Wood

We, the writers of Sneer Campaign, are not complete philistines. Occasionally we like to raise our pinky fingers and sip on hot tea while discussing some of the finer things in this world. Sometimes we cover matters of history, other times we may speak at length about books we have read, or scientific breakthroughs that had been brought to our attention somehow. Other days, we sit around analyzing classic artworks — but never modern art because we are not sophisticated enough to “get” it!  

Today, we decided to take a look at the Last Supper, by some kid named Leonardo da Vinci. He had his day back in the 1400s, but do not let that frighten you. Those days were not so different than these days we are in now. So take our hands, readers, and appreciate the history of art, religious beliefs, flippant artistic subterfuge, and yes even a little Last Supper Day Miracle!

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There are many kinds of mysteries in this confusing, mixed up world. We often find ourselves trapped in darkness, trying to solve a murder case, maybe, or seeking to understand what on the surface appears to be a supernatural phenomenon. Whole civilizations have been lost and we still don’t know why. Statues may weep tears of blood, drawing crowds of thousands of hopeful people, yearning to see a miracle.

Some mysteries are on a much smaller scale, but are no less perplexing and miraculous. Some mysteries appear on your own body! A mystery appeared on mine.

candiiiice

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In the unending quest to understand all of the mysteries of the world, we are perhaps not as tireless as other people out there. Our lives are more dedicated to the pursuit of sneering, and also laughing (both kindly laughs and laughs that are not so nice). So a lot of the time, if we find ourselves delving into mysteries… well, maybe we aren’t being as studious and serious as the nice people who get interviewed in TV Documentaries.

There are loads of documentaries and books and even a whole movie starring Richard Gere of all people about the Mothman. AlexT and I watched one of those documentaries the other day and decided to do a little investigating of this mystery on our own! We put on our investigation bonnets, slapped a mixed CD filled with summery music into a rental car, and took a road trip straight to the Mothman Museum located in Point Pleasant, WV! That’s really all we did. We took pictures.

not mothman

The museum consists of a gift shop and a room of newspaper clippings, movie props, and costumes. But we learned all that we needed to know to become experts. We have solved the mystery of what this thing was that tormented the good folk of this town. But first, we will tell you what it is not.

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Do you want to know the future? I sure do. If you could tell the future perfectly, life would be pretty great; the obvious example being picking lottery numbers. I mean, sure, money corrupts, but how much fun is being uncorrupt? I’ve tried it. It’s not fun at all.

Other things that divination is good for:

  • finding the “right one” for you
  • avoiding disasters
  • coming to grips with the sudden death of loved ones
  • determining whether to get out of bed in the morning
  • determining whether you should worry about that mole on your butt

Divination: good for Everything

 

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vote for

Ken, one of four quintuplets, was born March 19, 1994 in the neighbourhood of South Boston. He was raised in a small wood-panel home with three sisters. His father, Frank Bonesworth, affectionately known to friends as “Bones” was a hunter with no formal education. His mother Anna, was a stay-at-home carer to her children. Both parents came from 6th-generation South Boston families. He attended the prestigious Academie de Collier, working as a hunter alongside his father during vacation. After graduating in 2000, Ken became an apprentice hunter.

 

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Almanac Cover

According to the ancient art of Almanackery, each day of every year is not just a good day to do a thing, but it is the BEST day to do it. Previous almanacs are there to tell a farmer when to plan certain seeds, or slaughter certain animals, or any number of extremely useful things. I’m not sure if doing these things on certain days mean that the activity will go smoothly, or maybe grant abundant crops, or… maybe it gives the farmer good luck, generally? Maybe they appease the almanac gods by going along with their whims of the year.

The good news is that we at the Old Sneerist Almanac have come up with dates and activities that are actually useful to YOU, Junior Sneerists and well-wishers! We used the twin sciences of Intuition and Deadlines to conjure up a perfect year for you. Not all activities will apply to you, each entry is simply a fact that you can cash in on. Following our calendar will bestow you with general good luck, a lack of negative consequences for your actions, and/or praise. You can’t lose! And if at any point you feel like you are losing, remind yourself that any time you suffer, you will be rewarded with dizzying success at a later date. Everything’s okay!

Print out each month below, as you need to. Good luck, Sneeros! We love you.

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know the future based on anything at all

For millennia, human beings have desperately wanted to be able to see into the future. Originally, they needed to predict which way the herds would roam, or when the chieftain would die. Eventually, the focus turned to the weather. Droughts could destroy communities. Floods and storms could wreck lives or sink cargo vessels. Blizzards could kill whole herds of meat animals. Livelihoods really depended on which way the wind blew.

Nowadays, the climate and environment obviously doesn’t matter anymore. Natural disasters? Pfff. Merely an inconvenience to some, a surreal topic of conversation to others, and ratings boosts to still others. Most of us will be caught wholly unprepared for a rainstorm on any given day, and we don’t care because if we catch a cold it won’t turn into a fatal consumptive disease. At least, not yet.

It is time to update the folksy folklore to reflect the interests of now. It is time for little rhymes to guide your actions, to remind you of the things that are true. Or could be true. Or are true enough. Just act like they’re true. In this instance, it’s not going to hurt you if you do.

 

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