It’s a new year! New years call for resolutions, but what IS a resolution and how do you set them? How do you announce them? The preferred method, of course, is to hastily write an article for a website about it because you needed to set a resolution about writing content in advance yesterday, but yesterday’s gone and dead! We have to start now! NOW!

It is important to select realistic resolutions so that you don’t feel like a loser by mid-January. So often, we resolve to achieve goals that just aren’t attainable, once our character flaws come into play (and they always do). Understand your faults, and then, rather than actively try to change yourself, just change your attitude about what it is you want out of your new life this year. I think what I want is to strengthen my ability to outsource. I shall treat my life like a successful corporation. I will get so much done via other people! The dream comes true.

resolutions 2016

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The human celebrity is a creature that is much sought-after indeed. For whatever reason, these celebrity people have given up any chance of privacy or normal living so that they can be recognized wherever they go, mobbed by crowds of frightening strangers, followed by photographers, ambushed by undercover police, and hunted by stalkers. I suppose they enjoy all of that attention, and of course also the millions of dollars that are delivered to them by dump truck every morning. It would be all peaches and sunshine if these famous people could get attention, cash dollars, and sprawling mansions without having to feel annoyed or even occasionally terrified. It would be rainbows and roses if they could only be seen in clubs and restaurants and gated communities where only other pretty people with equal levels of wealth and fame could see each other and they’d never ever be bothered by gross icky nobodies like the rest of us.

However, this is simply not the case.

Modern celebrities must indulge us by appearing to be reasonably nice and approachable (preferably without having to demonstrate these traits too often) because if they do not, then their beloved popularity can suffer. And popularity is very, very important. If they fall out of favor, it is sometimes quite difficult to ever return to their former glory.

I am going to explain to you all how to wheedle yourselves into the lives of any celebrity of your choosing by coming across as charming, lovely, and worthwhile through written letters. You’ll thank me when this is all over, although I may get some anger from the famous person quadrant if you don’t get it right, so please pay attention.

Kristen Stewart

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I don’t remember the first time that I watched an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. It’s pretty much all a blur of childhood excitement, waking up early Sunday mornings to watch, sometimes falling asleep halfway through anyway. Nowadays, I primarily watch MST3K with fellow writer Daniel Haun.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 by Amanda Wood

You have probably heard by now that there is a Kickstarter to bring back the show, and I’m doing my part to “Keep Circulating the URL” because Joel asked me to and he’s my favorite. Even if you don’t contribute to the Kickstarter, you should help spread the word if you love the show! As of writing this, it’s already surpassed the initial goal of $2 million, enough to make three episodes! Let’s get some more, though. 3 episodes is not ideal, so let’s make it to 12 episodes and $5.5 million.

Every little bit helps, but especially our support! I think we should all go out and show our favorite episodes to our friends. We should tell them why Joel or Mike is our favorite, and why they’re both great. We should run around in jumpsuits and riff on life! We should make the best of any situation, just like Joel trapped in space, watching some great bad movies with his best friends!

My most memorable episodes may not be the best ones (although they probably are), and I’d like to share them with you. Also, more specifically, these are my most memorable two episodes (okay, one is just a short) that also happen to be readily available on YouTube.

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Recently, I was shopping when something occurred to me: I had left my wallet at home. Also, I noticed that there was a large amount of shelf space devoted to various shaving devices. Lotions, creams, oils, all manner of blades, chains, whips, and soldering irons abound in the shaving section. Intrigued, I started querying a clerk about some of the more exotic items.

Close Shaves by Amanda Wood

“Fascinating items you have here,” I said, holding up a large instrument. “What do you call this?”
“Pruning shears,” the clerk replied.
“Ahh. And how does one shave with this?”
“Sir, this is a hardware store, and that is a weed whacker.”
“In that case, I wish to complain about this Wing Nuts breakfast cereal.”

After I had sorted things out with the store manager, my mind returned to shaving. How was it invented? And why? I resolved to find out. A trip to the library was in order.

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Baby brains are like blank slates, eager to be filled with everything imaginable in a graffiti-like fashion. They are unlikely to be the refined and commercially successful graffiti so many of us have come to know and love, but instead the basest vandalism. Here are some things to watch out for in case you need to set a baby back on the straight and narrow.

Baby Brain by Amanda Wood

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Getting a job in this day and age is like trying to buy a date with a celebrity at an auction: you’re surrounded by competitors both more desperate and with greater resources, the process is shady and creepy, and it’s for something that’s not all that great if you get it. There was a time when your college degree opened doors, now every Sandwich Artist has at least an MBA from an online university, if not a medieval history degree from Brown. How do you get noticed in such a market? What hope do you have to land a job on your career trajectory before you’re as old as the baby boomers who still won’t retire? Well read on, good madam or sir, for here is Sneer Campaign’s Guide to Getting Your Resume To Stand Out From The Enormous Pile In The HR Wastebasket.

Step one is to have had helicopter parents force you on a college trajectory since birth. While your loser peers were playing with toys and having birthday parties, you were practicing the zither and volunteering in burn wards. It also helps to have a frat douche dad – he’ll know what strings to pull. But not all of us have been blessed with parents who had the foresight to rob us of our childhoods in order to shoehorn us onto a white-collar career vector that we would not have necessarily chosen on our own. Here’s how to make the glut of applicants work for you.

Get Hired by Amanda Wood

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Six Months

It has been six months and one day since the glorious founding of this Internet website you are on right this very moment, and oh so much has happened in that time. The earth-shattering effects we have had on all of your lives, fashion, industry, and society as a whole have been very remarkable, indeed. And in our own lives, we have taken the adulation of adoring fans and attention from intrusive paparazzi in stride. It is the life we were always meant to live.

Hello, future chronologists and biographers! We speak to you from out of the mists of the Past, and it is exciting, because after all that has happened in the first half of one year, we can’t begin to imagine what monumental happenings will follow! Well, yes we can, but that will probably become another post some day.

Meanwhile, we have decided to list some of the more important events in the nifty little image below:

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Clown Music

Have you been enjoying National Clown Week? We sure hope so! Merry-making and comic mischief is hard work, but we have made a playlist to make things easier for you. Luckily for the world, I have been amassing a Circus Playlist on Spotify for the past four years and I have skimmed some of the circusiest tracks (plus one rendition of that classic song, my favorite song of all songs, “Brazil”) off the top to present to you. Yes, my personal playlist has almost 700 tracks, and yes, I do listen to it on any ordinary day.

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In this modern day and age, human beings are often too caught up in their busy lives. I’m told they have work to do, bills to pay, stressful situations to cope with, and entertaining distractions galore. These distractions are what people currently use to “unwind” from their other stresses, but they aren’t really that relaxing.

In the yesteryears before electronic fun, a person had a lot of time to think quietly to themselves. Their relaxation involved peacefully sitting out on the back porch and reflecting on life and problems while watching the sunset. Perhaps they would also be sipping on an iced tea and sitting in comfortable silence with a good friend and a kitty cat, listening to the ambient noises of the gentle outdoors and feeling glad.

Personality

But this article isn’t about how to really get in touch with the real you inside. Heavens, no!

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Note: This was written while Prudence was Emily Yoffe, a wonderful and amazing columnist. We love the others too, but we wanted you to know that this was for her.

Dear Prudence,

Where do I start? I am a longtime reader. I know that there was a Prudence before you, and while I do love advice columns in general, your answers are the ones I love. I can’t get enough of reading your column. You give advice the way it should be given.

I read through your column all day long at work. Don’t worry, I finish all my work too, but I read your answers in between answering customer questions. It’s fascinating and I often find myself 4 years back in the archives, looking for posts I haven’t read yet.

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