We have a lot of fears. Some make sense; others, not so much. This latter type will be featured once monthly until we run out of material, at which point, we might begin accepting the fears of our readers. 

boohoo

I am sure that this is an irrational fear that everyone gets who has difficulty sleeping for a few days. But once you read up on this specific disease, you will REALLY get this fear, even though it is definitely very irrational. Very few people will ever get this brain disease, Fatal Familial Insomnia, and very few people have ever even had it. However, all of this is thrown out the window as soon as Wikipedia uses the words “can also develop spontaneously in patients with a non-inherited mutation variant.” What? Oh no!

Sporadic Fatal Insomnia is something none of us will probably ever have, but if we find ourselves struggling with insomnia, remember that it would set in as we near middle age. Have you been so tired that you get anxiety attacks and hallucinations? I sure have, and those are two things that happen in the early stages of this deadly, horrible disease. However, I thankfully usually konk out after a while, instead of trudging on in this manner, going slowly insane until the big sleep anywhere between seven to eighteen months later, when an exhausted ghost version of myself would escape this tired husk of mine and then find that there is actually no resting in peace after all. Noooo.

When my logical mind steps in to again remind me that I probably haven’t developed this, my paranoid insomnia mind counters with another irrational fear, which is that I have developed a brand new sleepless brain disease that will be named after me after I have died of it and have been studied by science.

get em tiger

Sleeping is a magical world of dreams and rest, but it sure does take up a lot of time! Ideally, you should be getting seven to nine hours of sleep per night, but some you true go-getters out there might writhe in discomfort to imagine spending so much time in bed instead of working or learning or whatever productive things you like to do. “I can sleep when I’m DEAD,” you dramatically scream in between swigs of coffee and other stimulants, as you read more, work harder, exercise more healthfully, etc.

Well, you can’t exactly work while in bed, unless you’re awake at the same time, obviously. You know what I mean. But you can learn while you sleep! Allegedly. And heal in ways that maybe you never anticipated, also allegedly. God knows I have been lured in by the glamour of multi-tasking sleep and bettering myself beyond the beauty rest I crave. Has it worked? Who knows! But here are some of the YouTube Sleepytime University courses I have taken over the years, on nights when I am not sleep watching cartoons or sleep listening to soothing ambient sounds.

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Have you ever woken up from sleeping and found that you have fresh memories of just doing something, somewhere that is not in your pajamas in bed? Have you felt insane because of these “false memories”? Well don’t feel insane, because what you have experienced is a very common thing called “dreaming.” Everyone does it! Even dogs and cats.

Dreams use a part of your brain called the Imagination Zone. When this zone is activated, imagination glands crank out a slime that gives you creative thoughts. Sometimes, it is used when you are awake, in order to imagine solutions, or to predict possible consequences. The Imagination Zone is the bustling factory that allows you, after enough practice, to imagine absurd scenarios that are very impossible, but generally fun.

ok yes

When you sleep, it is not really a little death. Your body still lives without you wakefully monitoring it, and this includes the zone mentioned in the last paragraph. While you sleep, it still produces thoughts and visions. Although without your conscious mind cautioning it for being too zany, it will go off the rails and sometimes even throw house parties even though it is a factory setting. But a factory location can be the best place to host a party, didn’t you know?

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Bodies: We all have them. But what do we KNOW about them? Science suggests that maybe we should know more, whereas religion demands that we know far less. We always side with science here on the sneer campaign, unless it challenges our strict moral codes (haha we don’t have moral codes. C’mon). So clasp our hand parts as we drag you down the twisted, prickly path of learnin’ and we will explain to you the things that school should have covered a long, long time ago. Or, perhaps more accurately, I will expose my horrific ignorance as I tell you about things I never thought about before that it turns out everyone has indeed known since middle school.

huh?

 

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We’ve just had Sex Christmas. A day of romantic love, the only acceptable kind of love for men, as long as it heterosexual. But I’m not here to talk about the isolating effect toxic masculinity has on men and how it drives up their suicide rates. You see, love is like wrestling. Professional wrestling. You may have done well on the 14th, put on the Sequined Jumpsuit of Courage and stepped into the Squared Circle of Sincere Expressions of Feelings, but you never know when life will tag itself in while the referee is changing his contacts and throw you into the Ropes of Insecurity, knocking you down with the Clothesline of Repressed Frustration and finishing you off with the DDT of Angry Outbursts, all while the Screaming Audience of Regret mugs for the Camera of Public Opinion. Then the Arch Rival of Lust enters with the Pyrotechnics of Hubris and okay enough of this metaphor.

But there’s still Valentine’s candy. And now it’s marked way down! But what to buy? None of it will make them love you. But my experience tells me that eating your feelings is a surefire way to kill the pain, and there’s always great candy around this time of year. 

mmm

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Picture it, you’ve just moved into a beautiful new home in a safe and happy neighborhood with manicured lawns. You’ve unpacked all your essentials, changed your address, and turned on your utilities… now it’s time to make an impression. A big one. You want your new neighbors to know how charming, intelligent, and definitely innocent you are.

childlissa

We’ve gathered a few ways that you can really make a name for yourself in your new town, while only raising a little bit of suspicion, instead of a lot. Say hello to your new neighbors in a way that violently screams, “I LIVE VERY CLOSE TO YOU NOW.” It’s a lot of work, but so is the social contract of a suburban neighborhood.

 

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At this point in our lives, in human history, the New Age is feeling pretty old. New Agers are basically great-grandparents or more and who wants to follow in THOSE lifestyles? Not us! And not you, either. It is time for the NEW New Age and what better way than to mash up old trusted things with other equally as old trusted things and then presented in ways that our ancestors couldn’t even imagine, not even with their Free LSD Parties or wheat grass juice diets held for 25 years.

get it get it

Grab your crystals and your multiple computing devices in case you need them and get ready for the latest trends. Don’t get left behind with the fads of yesteryear when you can jump on the latest bandwagon of your choice. We’ve outlined our favorites below but you’ll have to visit Pinterest (we assume) for more information and the strict guidelines.

 

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The other day I went down to my basement for some hot Duck Hunt action. As usual, the NES just blinked and wouldn’t let me play, like it does every time since that beautiful day it created a small carpet fire from being on for two days straight. But I really didn’t want to make the trip upstairs again, so I looked for something nearby to occupy my attention for an hour or so. After a few moments of looking around, some boxes caught my eye. Hurrah! Nothing says “fun” like random old boxes! But as I came closer, I realized that these were no ordinary spider-infested cardboard boxes. No, to my shock, these were a bunch of old board games. I figured these would require special attention, so I found the nearest rickety chair and pulled out the bottom game from the dangerous, towering stack to see what awaited me.

whoopsidoodles

When I regained consciousness, lying in a pile of little coloured houses and paper money, I found that I had stumbled on several of my very favourite board games that I owned when I was a child. I looked at them and wondered why I had ever stopped playing these cherished games of mine that I had grown so attached to before my parents gave in and bought me a Nintendo. The other kids may have mocked and ridiculed me, but the fun I had with these board games were more than enough to drown out their hurtful words. Well, most of them anyway. Looking them over, my brain filled with memories and I immediately starting playing every game I could find until I became tired and jaded — even MORE than I normally am!

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