In this modern day and age, human beings are often too caught up in their busy lives. I’m told they have work to do, bills to pay, stressful situations to cope with, and entertaining distractions galore. These distractions are what people currently use to “unwind” from their other stresses, but they aren’t really that relaxing.
In the yesteryears before electronic fun, a person had a lot of time to think quietly to themselves. Their relaxation involved peacefully sitting out on the back porch and reflecting on life and problems while watching the sunset. Perhaps they would also be sipping on an iced tea and sitting in comfortable silence with a good friend and a kitty cat, listening to the ambient noises of the gentle outdoors and feeling glad.
But this article isn’t about how to really get in touch with the real you inside. Heavens, no!
In my perfect dream world, legendary children’s show Sesame Street would be populated by old time movie stars parodying themselves outlandishly. I think I would have learned better lessons, and learned them better, if it had been this way. Are children supposed to identify with or look up to a fuzzy green monster with a bad attitude? Well maybe they do, but a magically re-animated Greta Garbo would have gotten the job done with so much more melodramatic class.
If I ever get a wish-granting monkey paw, this will be the reality of children’s television programming.
As always, click to see it in the full size. (You can see the other example of Greta in imaginary kids television in our Yo Garbo Garbo post.)
Okay so here’s the deal. I am not originally from New Jersey. I was born in Florida, but moved here at age 12 or so. I have not left since then, not for longer than 2 weeks, anyway (or for 9 weeks, those two times I stayed the entire summer at camp). I hated it at first. I remember one of my first summer camp interactions being an argument about whether or not New Jersey was terrible. I was on the wrong side of the argument back then and I said it was indeed terrible. But I was 14 or 15, and everything WAS terrible.
Later, I learned that New Jersey is not just a wonderful place to be, but also has its own abundance of wonderful things! For example, our state insect is the highly superior honeybee, and the story is that a group of schoolchildren convinced the governor that the honeybee was the appropriate choice in 1974. Our state animal is the horse, what better option! We even have a state cryptid, my good friend, The Jersey Devil.
I am always telling people that our superhero of New Jersey is Cory Booker. I have even probably written an article for one of my print publications with this same headline to that effect. But as much as I love Senator Booker, he can’t do the dirty work that real, super, superheros can do, by virtue of being unaffiliated politically, I suppose.
So, if you haven’t heard, I’m proud to present, New Jersey’s Original Superhero: The Toxic Avenger.
Born in Tromaville, New Jersey, Melvin Ferd III was a standard nerd. While working as a janitor at the local health club, he is literally bullied out a window, after being tricked into putting on a pink tutu. He falls out the window right into some toxic waste, of course. After running home, The Toxic Avenger is born, mutated from poor, bullied Melvin into a superstrong, supergood, superviolent Superhero.
Do you like Seinfeld, trivia, and board games? Chances are pretty good that you do.
Now that Seinfeld is on Hulu (yes, all of it), here I am, providing you with information about a much-needed Seinfeld accessory. What good is loving it, if you can’t prove it to your friends?
This isn’t just a trivia game, it’s a board game, meaning it is the best of both worlds in nerdery. The game boasts more than 500 trivia questions. The questions come in two forms: easy and hard. However, the difficulty differences are indistinguishable and whether you know the answer will be due to a combination of chance, having even seen that episode (if you’re not a super fan), and memory skills.
For more than 5 years I worked in a café serving coffees, sandwiches, sushi, and even Ovaltine. But mostly, I served bubble tea. After so long, nothing took longer than anything else (except sushi, which was later retired at my workplace) and I couldn’t have possibly cared what people did or didn’t order. I loved the job, worked whenever I could, made friends with coworkers and customers, and even spent most of my off-time there. But some things that customers did… some were just too much to handle.
Here I present to you, The Worst Things. Now I know that some of these things may even sound almost normal, if encountered rarely and reasonably. It didn’t happen that way! This is all the time, consistent, terrible.
Taking Forever to Order
Okay, it’s a café. Why don’t you already know what you wanted? Why did you come in? Did you want a coffee? Say coffee, I’ll get you one so fast it’ll make your head spin. Or did you want a bubble tea? I can make three at a time, just pick the damn flavor. We always have the same ones, most places do.
I would try to solve this one in a friendly way, by offering to recommend a drink, but that usually just resulted in a series of increasingly difficult decisions, such as iced or hot, or small or large. We would both get frustrated. At one point, for the bubble teas, we built a spinning wheel to choose flavors. Customers loved it! They would spin and then decide that they wanted the same thing they always get instead. Problem solved.
The exalted humanoid space creature, Benedict Cumberbatch, thrills us today by sitting for a portrait in his natural form. Showing off a super sexy twin-snake headdress made fashionable by the high priests on his home planet, Cumbrachia, the award-winning actor says he is excited for the imminent birthing of his hybrid spawn with new wife, Sophie Hunter, whose current condition is deemed unfit for public viewing.
In honor of the 141st Annual Kentucky Derby this Sunday, we are dedicating this post to one of our favorite heroes of all time: Secretariat. (You can find a Secretariat paper doll here.)
Secretariat is the greatest horse who ever lived. What an earnest and determined guy he was! Big Red, as he was sometimes known, was just about the fastest horse in the known universe (or wherever horses are!) and set records in 1973 that still stand today.
When Secretariat was born in 1970, just after midnight on March 30, nobody knew that little horse would be a household name. He became so famous beyond the racetrack that he was on the covers of Time and Newsweek. Not bad for an equine athlete! He was given to Penny Chenery after birth as the result of a coin toss agreement between the stud owner and the owner of the gentle mother of Big Red. His name was chosen by the secretary of the stable.
Secretariat raced until he was 3 years old, per his contract. Most racehorses are itty bitty little children, runnin’ in their prime. He retired at age 3 with an acclaim that only 10 other horses can boast, winning the Triple Crown of Thoroughbred Racing in the United States.
After his death in 1989, during a necropsy (a normal procedure for a deceased horse), the veterinarian described his heart as a “huge engine.” It was estimated to be 2 ¾ times the size of an average thoroughbred racehorse’s heart. He was put down humanely after being afflicted with an often incurable disease. Unlike most racehorses, whose head, hooves, and heart are buried together, Secretariat was buried whole, an honor befitting the Saint that he is.
Should I really describe the races to you? Of course not. You should watch them, below, with very dramatic music included.
We would like to extend all the well-wishing in the world to Mr. Harrison Ford, an invaluable treasure of an actor who seems to live life teetering on the edge of accidental annihilation. He was recently in a plane crash. He is currently recovering. We hope he heals swiftly and is up and flying around again soon!
Thank you to Justin Pierce, maker of The Non-Adventures of Wonderella, for the idea. You should read all of his comics, because they are excellent. You could also stand to read Wonderella’s Twitter feed.
Here are some important facts about Fabergé Eggs: